One day I will make you fork the word feelings, because depending on context, it can be a cop out. Not to say it makes you less right, but feelings are just a MEDIUM, and if somebody has a problem with the CONTENT of your feelings, it’s a bit disingenuous to tell yourself or anybody else that the problem was expressing your feelings.

I was telling my counselor the ‘I am afraid my feelings cause a burden’ story recently, catalyzed by a discussion of vulnerability and trust, and she laughed. She then apologized, but it wasn’t necessary. It was clear she wasn’t laughing at me, or necessarily my plight, but at the irony and absurdness that is self-evident when you hear that story after you already know what happened afterward.

There’s a bit of comfort in that laugh, because I think it’s absurd, but it hurt, and since I tend to give the benefit of the doubt, it’s nice that it is so absurd to her that she can’t not laugh.

You know I totally would have helped you out if you had asked, but I can’t since you didn’t. I’m sure you don’t give a fuck, even if for a second when you trip up, sit down, and allow yourself to be vulnerable you do… but I hope you realize everything is exactly how you wanted it to be. I still think it is a shame.

I’m looking for someone who actually wants to meet up regularly to do fun stuff and share thoughts/feelings.

Funny stuff, reality. Sometimes I wish I believed in God so giving him the finger had more meaning.

Camped with Point83 this weekend. Hadn’t seen a lot of them in some time due to avoiding the awkward unknown.

My REAL friends who I value the most are the people who I am not afraid to contact when I need help or I’m crying for some stupid reason. They are the people who hang out with me even if I’m in a bad place. I still have fun with these people.

Fucking right.

Built the xtracycle in the midst of a crazy week (hello mystical two day trip to the portland office). Hauled a friend out to the campsite, taco’ing the wheel twice. We took it easy on the way out today and it survived. When I have time I’ll build up some better wheels for it. Maybe a new fork, switch the whole thing over to discs.

Figuring out how to fit all this into the garage now. More unridden bikes of others going to the basement. I do need a garage. Looking for shop space to rent now.

Trying to figure out cross enough to give it a try this season. Oh bikes.

Bryan: So I was swimming in the Duwamish the other day
1: Uh-huh
2: Wait, you said uh-huh like that’s normal
1: Well, I expect that sort of story from Bryan

Awareness. There’s an incredible, fuck-ton, amount of value in the combination of being aware how you feeling and communicating that. Action? I don’t know how much action the world needs, really. I seem to get along pretty alright without it most of the time. Actually, it’s the action without communication that seems to be the hurdle.

And the uncertaintaity. The unfairness of me saying a big fuck you to you, without you even knowing it. That’s fine, really. Means to an end, really.

a couple things. first, uncertainty. There must be no uncertainty for this to end amiably.

Two, “It appears to be characterisitic of the state of limerance that you are inclined to express your feelings in writing.”

From Molly’s photos.

I’ve been talking about this a bit lately, which is always a sign that I’m figuring something out. This story is much better in person, by the way. A friend didn’t realize that I had anything to do with the BMF when I asked him to mention it in a blog post. He had ignored the whole thing because someone he didn’t like mentioned it to him first. I pointed out the two posts I made, first asking for help and then reminding all that the event was upon us. Further, from the post asking for help, you’d probably believe how few people offered. Let’s just say that none of the people who think they are cool did, and a couple people who probably struggle with where they fit in, did.

So the point? It just reiterates to me that my friends that are building cool shit with me are worth my time, my friends that talk to me about their feelings and life are worth my time, and my friends that go and explore the world with me are worth my time. And it comes back to Ben ten years ago at PC Tech telling me he wished he spent less time partying and more time learning about computers.

The same lesson then applies today, you have to actively choose to be vulnerable to your feelings, new challenges and worthwhile people. Otherwise you’re just just going from one shallow relationship to the next, blaming everything and everyone but yourself for something great not having been built in the process. You can only take more than you give, and run for so long.

I have a couple emails piled up I just haven’t had any time to sit down and give proper attention to. One friend asks what sort of things I’ve built. That’s far to broad of a question, isn’t it? Today, bicycle sound system.

Other than that, kind of a waste of a day. Good night though. Fun Ice Cream Social at the hazard house, and spent a little time at the BMF volunteer party before dropping Colin off at the emergency room so he could get a metal shaving removed from his eye. Hope that went well.

Giant day tomorrow with BMF! *dance*

Think about the situations where what she said and what she did were not cohesive. I think you’ll find more of them than you expect.