It feels like it’s been forever since I wrote here. Probably because of lack of sleep distorts time, but also probably because I have been writing thousands of words, just not in my journal. I guess most of what’s been on my mind has had an appropriate person to discuss it with, rather than having to vent it out into atmo. Work has also been progressing in the right ways again lately since all the acquisition distractions. I really don’t have much to say.

I had a volunteer interview with the American Red Cross yesterday, and that went fine. Still with-holding any judgment on the likely-hood of that commitment returning the results I want. That’s a slow process, I think I applied nearly a month ago, and some requisite classes are only held quarterly. We’ll see.

The counselor made some comments this week, which I will grossly summarize, about how she thinks it is common for men to feel strong emotions early in relationships but that they don’t usually know how to articulate their feelings. Further, she thinks that with my ability to articulate how I feel, it’s likely common that people I’ve dated have been surprised and overwhelmed by my feelings. I’ve said the second half of that a few times before, but I guess I never connected all of that together in one thought. This makes a lot of sense with certain people pointing a finger at my feelings being inappropriate because of their strength, but running away rather than wanting to discuss why they feel that way. I made a comment recently about how I don’t know how to not talk about how I feel.

Holy crap though, I’m happy right now. Which is generally why I don’t write here, because I’m off being happy. Silly.

God. Damn. It.

M says every time you put a big group together and mix alcohol, you’re going to have drama. I’m pretty sure I don’t need the alcohol to make it happen, because my heart suffices. Yeah, I get it, some day, I’ll push, and it’ll be appreciated, and it’ll be all worthwhile. I’m pretty sure at this point I need to take up a hobby like watching television and work on being entirely less vulnerable in situations where feelings aren’t reciprocal. I’m pretty sure that if I stay in, I won’t keep running into social situations where I risk being hurt so often.

Spontaneous drinking and socializing late Saturday night threw the rest of the weekend a curve ball, and after some napping in the evening I’ve been up most of the night.

I’ve been off the forums since I ran into her on a ride. This has proven interesting still being on the edge of the social circle, because I still hear a lot and usually get to make a funny face and move along, except when I sympathize with a friend over it. A friend who offered to give me some bike parts some time ago asked tonight if I would be on the costume ride on Thursday or not, and I told him I was avoiding drama. “Old drama or new drama” he said, to which I replied the former. Granted, there’s plenty of new drama I don’t want any part in, and somehow as A once said after escaping a whirlwind of it at M’s once, it seems to find me. Or I seem to find it. Is it because I keep putting myself out there?

I’m torn over where to go from here. I’m still solidly of the opinion that my newer endeavors deserve the focus of my energy, having more meaning and merit. There really is no reason to continue to make myself vulnerable, to put so much of myself into worrying, caring, contemplating what the right decision is, in return for nothing. I do that, I operate that way, giving without expectation of receiving, but it does keep getting me hurt. Much of it is out of feeling, so it isn’t going away any time soon. I don’t have to worry about everyone acting solely on what is best for them, being “self-full”, and it causing a bunch of short term throw away relationships. My heart naturally works otherwise.

normal: Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical

When I think of normal these days, I think of the social situations where I’ve noticed myself making assumptions that don’t feel quite right, that sit uncomfortable with me, that I’ve gone up to and poked with a stick to see how they move. I’ve had a similar distrust of the academic and artistic worlds because I always conjure images of a disconnected evaluation of reality that feels convoluted. I’ve discussed this a little in regard to chatter about my taste for pop music being shallow. It is interesting to compare how deeply important observing and discussing feelings is to me, but not music, or other traditional forms of artistic expression.

The original Star Trek is supposed to have most episodes rooted in some discussion of the human condition. As I watched some episodes of House tonight I kept thinking about how often I was thinking about my own life’s parallels to the underlying human issues being discussed. As I made T sit through an episode of Kenshin named ‘The Legend of the Fireflies”, I thought back to trying to get M to watch a few episodes. I’ve told the story once or twice, about how she fell asleep, and folks are usually pretty dismissive about the whole thing. That I’m still thinking about it means the point still hasn’t gotten across. I was talking to J about it recently, about how important it is for someone you care about so deeply to care who you are, and about what is important to you.

The theme for House this season, or that which I kept picking up on, was that you have to be vulnerable and connect with people. I suppose that my problem continues to be balancing how much I can give, and as J has been underscoring, that I find a relationship where if I am giving as much as I tend to, I’m getting nearly as much love and support in return.

Conversation this morning glanced my niceness. Am I nice because I’m just nice, or am I nice because I like (like like (like more than friends (crush (limerance (love))))) you? (semantics win!) Going out of my way for others is my natural state of being, because I believe it is important and has meaning. Sometimes I point out that this isn’t a grand ego-free decision I’ve made and deserve a pat on the back for. The same is true here, this is just the way I am. However, if I blush and squirm when you thank me, well maybe I like you too.

why do i always ignore your alcohol asides when i otherwise jump in and start a sidebar on the tiniest thing? because i didn’t wanna risk losing being approachable.

I can’t think of ever being in a place where I stopped approaching someone because they had honest ideas and feelings to express. I’ve definitely stopped approaching people who can’t respond with maturity or can’t be bothered with the burden of my having feelings that affect them.

M must not be a good friend. Friends are not notified if you remove them. Are you sure?

Finished Love and Limerance. What I circled in the last chapter:

Limerance is not the product of human decision: It is something that happens to us. Its intrusive congnitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary at the moment but that defies control seem to be the aspect of limerance in which it differs most from other states.

I hope that it may be possible for limerants to cease that self-hatred that sometimes comes from being in the grip of so uncontrollable a force.

At the time, the diary was the only companion to whom he could confide the feelings he most wished to express.

Perhaps the best cure you can administer to yourself is to remove all contact and all possibility of contact between yourself and your unresponsive [limerant object].

What to do if your [limerant object] becomes limerant about someone else[:] Weep. Sympathize. Feel terrible. But recognize that limerance is basically involuntary.

“I love you.”
“Have you read Tennov’s book?”
“No.”
“Let me lent you mine.”

But those in the throes of limerance did not find that their analyses diminished their passion. What did happen was some relief of shame and guilt. Although they remained limerent, they no longer felt abnormal.

What can be done about it should you find yourself in the role of nonlimerent [limerent object]? Limerence has only one answer: Do whatever is necessary to eliminate any trace of hope.

Nonlimerants don’t know about that. They don’t know how you can’t control your own thought.

And so it goes.

Email searches always seem to bring up more than I asked for.

this may not be an appropriate response but,

i’m really wild about you. everything that you’re struggling with here are additional reasons why.

As per usual, differentiating comments about which M I’m referring to snipped to protect the innocent from the internet while still allowing myself to be meaty.

you know i resent that people don’t respect and appreciate you as you deserve to be. people are dang fools and i won’t stand for it!

And you may ask yourself-well…how did I get here?

I don’t really ask myself anymore. I’ve long accepted (told myself) that relationships are two people and I have no control over the other half. I often think about what I would say, and in my head (which is bizarro-land) it is usually “I have nothing left to say”. All I have to say right now is, fucking ouch.

“I feel guilty, that I should like you more than I do because you are so nice.”

I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better at keeping my mouth shut and not spewing emotion out it when I automatically feel the desire, well maybe except at 1am from a bar (1, 2, 3).  The Draft entries in my gmail stare back at me though. It’s still okay to write them if you never send them right? It really isn’t so much that I think I should learn to bottle it up, that is for the best, it is that no one wants to hear it without reluctance in the way that I want to reciprocate. Under those circumstances, it does feel for the best to write to myself, go for a ride, or meet someone for a drink. Distractions until I pass the apex of the emotion.

What is behind the irrationality that seizes otherwise reasonable human beings, forcing them to set aside other goals and strivings and to focus on a single other individual , who may be of little interest prior to limerance and also of little interest afterward?

I recall reading early in the book about and identifying with  Love and Limerance having thoughts, even fantasies, of tragic events bringing two people together. On the ride home today, I was thinking about the americanized version of High Fidelity, and how the death of Laura’s father brought her back to Rob. I’d be really interested in why the choice was made to write the script that way, doubly so because it is so different from the original book.