I joked that I wrote 5000 words a day in here. I wonder what the average is for the last few years by day. I couldn’t find a WP plugin for word count that is actively maintained on short notice, oh well. All I managed was some plugin that describes the readability of my post.

I promised I would embarrass her and write about ‘love jail’ in my journal. On the whole it sounded very cynical, but the more we talked about it and the more she regretted providing my sarcasm such great fodder, the more it sounded like a fear than anything else. Conversations about a relationship limiting you from being yourself seems to be the topic of the day. Why is there so much angst toward relationships? Why are long term relationships pegged “the way the last generation did it?” It’s not so much that it just isn’t hip to be into a long term relationship, but there’s a general distrust for serious commitment or marriage being a good idea, like it is inherently false and shoved down our throats. Like, maybe we’ll put up with it, but only just a little, because we love our parents and struggle with pleasing them, mostly.

In the words of President Denis Leary, let me just say that I am pro-tit all the way. No, wait, I’m pro-long-term-relationship. Yeah, that’s right. Via facebook, “marriage is over rated.” Way to pull the cliche card sir, congratulations on bringing something thoughtful to the table. You’ve joined this debate on a day full of talking to interesting people with interesting thoughts on the topic, so it is feeling kind of pathetic at the moment.

One conversation today was about struggling with having identity and contentedness outside of a relationship, and then bringing it into the relationship. Another was about how relationships tend to squander personality and isolate you from friends. Yet somehow they were the same conversation. I don’t mean that in a meta way. They’re not the same because they’re both about relationships or both about the human condition. They are the same because they are both about how our relationships affect who we are. Here we all sit, waiting for a relationship to finally “work out”.

Yes, I’m happier in a relationship, with someone I can trust [or at least believe I can until the end] to care about my emotional well being, my interests and my life. Someone I can love who will appreciate that in a way that comes out as more than nice. I’m going to keep trying until I meet someone who gets that.

Google. T sends We Feel Fine, I poke at it while starting at network traffic diagnosing a firewall issue. I’m hungry, craving coffee. WFF stumbled me onto a journal entry about death. I cried. The traffic keeps coming.

My brain reminds me not to confuse missing _ for something emotionally ordained.

I feel like all of my personal relationships have boundaries that are limiting me from letting something important go.

Certain things come to mind every time I hang out at Mobius that are hard to ignore. At least breathing and spoons have returned to being general enough, but you can’t avoid the specifics.

It was a sad weekend. Dad blames the season, and I wonder if I’ll have to admit to my genes some day and winter in a sunnier climate.

I’m happy overall, I really am good. Maybe I need to learn to be more choosy who I’m honest with about how I feel. I think about _ saying that she felt [that] she didn’t want to be with someone [so] sad [but] not saying about it to me. I found out [later that] she thought that through another angle and explained why I was sad at [that] moment and she then understood. However, that [is] a good example of why not being completely honest about how I feel [can be for the best]. I was struggling with how open to be, trying to establish boundaries, and it [only] seemed to dig a bigger hole.

But I’m setting larger boundaries, and it seems to be the best for everyone else. It’s funny that I always feel [that] boundaries are for others benefit. Always the martyr, so distant.

[edits for readability as a result of posting from a mobile phone]

In regard to short term versus long term pleasures, “[t]here has to be a happy compromise somewhere in there.”

I think if you’re feeling uncomfortable about the quality of your activities, it is a sign to actively do something more meaningful or productive. On the other side, if you’re feeling stressed out, it’s probably time to go out and just have fun. Being an active participant in our own lives this way should achieve balance when we’re otherwise healthy.

As the wheel turns seems to keep turning my fun into stress, but that is a bigger issue with relationships, feelings, and being disappointed with not finding what I’m looking for. My independence and introversion makes working on projects alone a stress-reliever. I don’t know I’d call it fun compared to tomfoolery, but I enjoy it and it typically produces some fashion of wealth, re-defined.

Identity came up again recently in email. ‘Who am I’ is most often what do I value, who do I want to be, and who do I want people to think I am. These questions steer us in big ways and in subtle ways. I’ve thought about the big ways for eons, questioning where I fit in and what is meaningful. I’m pretty sure it is a product of my ever-growing compassion. My mind wanders all over thinking about it, checking myself. How do you value multiple life-styles that appear to conflict? I’ve managed to integrate a few myself. Looking back I recall thinking of myself as a chameleon when I was young, searching to understand why I kept drifting from one group to another. I remember being offended this year when someone implied I wouldn’t fit into a group of blue-collar folks because I’m a middle-upper class professional by day. I think mostly I don’t want to be identified that way, I’m more prejudice toward it, I think because I feel like there’s less time spent creating and that is pretty core to me. The stereotypes are interesting, professionals are supposed to be more educated and open-minded while the lower-class more prejudice. It can go either way, as stereotypes typically can.

Defending myself aside though. I recently read an excerpt in which the author found herself one of two white people in a laundromat in a culturally diverse neighborhood. She lived there, I believe, and was perfectly comfortable, but apparently the other white person in the room was a business person and was very uncomfortable and kept trying to make eye contact with her. She presumed it was because he wasn’t used to being the minority, and went on to rant about how fucking lame and a piece of shit he was for being prejudice. Which sounds a lot like prejudicing that person and placing a lot of blame for other peoples actions or the results of other stereotypes on someone that is suffering. Maybe she’s right, but you know, a lack of compassion never gets us anywhere.

Because you just don’t know. I think I’ve always been quiet, but jumping from one social group to another, wandering between video gamers, country-folk with automotive tinkering habits, open source people, adventure motorcyclists, bike assholes, working in startups, consulting for the successful, volunteering for many different events and organizations, growing up in the woods, drinking with drunks, and so on and so forth, it is really important to walk in and be accepting. It doesn’t mean they’re right, or a point shouldn’t come when you speak up against something you feel is wrong, but choose your battles and give other people the benefit of the doubt.

And I guess, keep in mind that far too often we blame other people for our own problems. Don’t sever your feelings, your humanity.

*exit soap box*

Waking up early when I’ve regularly been waking up late leaves me feeling quite tired after a long day. More training today at ARC. The ‘interact with your classmates who are strangers’ bit is always uncomfortable at first, I’m sure, but I made friends with my partner and buy the end of the day we were surely joking more than we should have been; “Wow, your splint completely healed my open fracture in seconds!”

T had company over so I read in the garage for a while looking for some quiet that wasn’t too dismal like the basement or sleep inducing like my bedroom. After a chapter or so I started cleaning and while moving a door-lock set we’ve had since we’ve moved in for the nnth time, I decided I oughtta put it in already. I kept telling myself I was going to get it rekeyed to match the front door. It’s funny that cleaning up made me put it in, while all the times I’ve come home and had to walk around to the front door didn’t.

A couple of years ago I was talking to my father about movies on the phone and he told me that he had to stop watching movies because they intentionally played on your emotions too much. That was a turning point in figuring out my father. I’m well known by my friends for being pretty emotionally affected by movies or my patient compassion in situations. Plus some ex-girlfriends know all about how big those emotions can get when I’m really open. I’ve thought about that a lot, and over the summer finally came to stop feeling like something was wrong with me for feeling the way that I do. I was sort of forced into that by a breakup earlier in the year, but sometimes life steers for us. Today while watching some training videos, I got caught up in even the slightest hint of dramatic sequence. I couldn’t help it, and started to cry each time. Again, while I’ve come to accept my feelings as being legitimate, I’m worrying lately about the point where I become too sensitive for someone close to me to be able to handle the balance. Not that it matters a whole lot to worry about it now, sometimes you just have to wait and see how amazing the people in your life are.

How much of it is not wanting to miss a good time, and how much of it is wanting to be someone that has a good time? Which could be having crazy stories to tell, or getting other people to identify you as fun/wild/crazy? The more I think about meaning, the more I’m afraid of missing out on the larger opportunities. Do I want to spend my evenings drinking and fucking about with friends, achieving short term pleasures, or prepare for something greater, more long term. I’m tempted to compare this to relationships. I want a meaningful long-term relationship. I joke about how much I’ve been dating this year, but quantity wasn’t what I wanted. I’m on my way to doing more with my time, and it’s better this way. There’s some social turbulence, but so it goes.

From facebook: Bryan McLellan This makes me feel sad, old-fashioned and aggregating: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/opinion/03brooks.html?_r=1&hp

As the journalist Wesley Yang notes in a very intelligent analysis in the magazine, the diarists “use their cellphones to disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about people using ________ “to disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs.” _ says, “Man. I’m glad you’re doing a lot of introspection, because I sense that I need to do more.” Maybe, I just can’t help it? Hard to say. This kicking the coffee drip thing is hurting my head though.

Sleep? I think I need to make another effort to return to a only couple cups of coffee a day, and in the morning. This is why we don’t do drugs kids, they’re habit forming. T told me something about _ that made me respond with “All the same, the thought of that connection makes me want to die.” physically tired but I was emotionally defeated. I had a nightmare about wandering all over a large apartment with multiple roommates avoiding _, only to still be hurt by her being with another, and then being tormented by being unable to find the layers I had shed everywhere so I could leave. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling more defeated than I was an hour ago. I think I’m behind on honest rest being out late the last couple nights with J. But I feel incredibly sad.

Somewhere I found a recent Op-ed piece, Cellphones, Texts and Lovers, which lead to A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers’ Sexual Habits and Anxieties. The second is longer an better, I think the first was catalyzed by it. I could quote all of these articles, and so many parts reminded me of people, some of whom I sent it to directly to read. I don’t have it in me to go through and read it again right now. I could quote huge swaths, but I’ll just give you the part that hit deep and reminded me of _.

they all agree on how you lose: by betraying a level of emotional enthusiasm unmatched by the other party

Currently listening to: Whiskeytown – Don’t Wanna Know Why

I appear to have not posted my last entry, and then deleted the draft while cleaning up from multiple open sessions. Lame. T commented on the _ making my last post difficult to read but then interesting. K though I should consider cutting back on the whole girls thing.

Lets assume falling in love is a good thing, by any other name is still love, would bring us happiness. Further, assume fear is meant to protect us from being hurt, abandoned, left unloved. The general course appears to be meeting someone I like, cautiously expressing these feelings against what feels like better judgment but is mostly fear, to see if they have similar feelings and if they are interested in dating at all. On the latter point, the benefit of online dating is people are much more up front about what they’re looking for, you’ve got to figure out by feel or conversation if you want a similar relationship now, and down the road. I’ve got that pretty well down, it just has mostly been my luck that lately there hasn’t been a desire for a relationship that I desire or to reciprocate my feelings. I only have strong feelings for a single person at a time, although when there isn’t an intimate relationship in my life my feelings of longing are much stronger and I miss people more.

Which comes back to the reminder that 100% of your previous romantic relationships have ended, for whatever reason. Not necessarily failed, some are still great relationships, just not romantic ones. I’m worn out. I’m let down. The bliss of chatting with a cute girl also reminds me that I don’t have it in me right now to keep being disappointed. I have no victimizing misconceptions like feeling that it isn’t fair, that I’m being mistreated, I’m not _____ enough. It is just that the people I keep falling in love with aren’t interested in a long term relationship with me, and that’s fair, provided they’re honest, can communicate and don’t make decisions for me. That’s not fair. It seems incredibly difficult finding mature individuals living meaningfully with compassion and intent who are also aligned with dropping out of society in some form or another and similar alternative lifestyles. I digress.

If we’re pushing these boundaries of fear when we’re starting a new relationship, how do we handle them with existing relationships that have gone too far and are being recalled? It seems like feelings are key. If you don’t have the desire for more with someone, it’s easy enough to have a relationship that resembles a friendship. For someone like me, I’m feeling, and I’m wanting to express those feelings. I want to be more open, closer, intimate. Thus far all I’ve been able to do is avoid the situations that would make me feel; stop talking, stop hanging out, try to avoid situations that make me think about them.

I’ve been sinking a lot of time into ARC volunteering lately. Time that would have been social has been replaced by this. I’m still just as busy, and it is further convincing evidence to myself that I’ll always been this busy, but I feel it is more meaningful. There’s also much less of a chance for me to be let down, hurt, disappointed. When you can’t move on, you have to find distraction and just keep busy.

Sometimes I wonder if people who believe you can move on realize that it is only because it wasn’t what they wanted. When it is what you wanted, you don’t move on, time just passes.

Currently listening to: Johnny Cash – Bridge Over Troubled Water

This is pretty absurd.

_ asked me where my feelings for _ would go if I had a relationship with _ and I told her that having my feelings reciprocated is what is most important. I never bought into the myth of romantic destiny. Lists of desires are funny things. I sat on the couch while waiting for _ and picked up After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship from the shelf. The stereotypes in it got me thinking about how I don’t fight. The closest memories I have are of dating people who got emotional and took it out on me, typically being mean to me and blaming me for how they felt. The main topic of today if there’s any way for me to cope with my feelings for another outside of avoiding them. I don’t know. I just know it was sad. I miss _ when I see her or think about her. _ was talking about still seeing _ everywhere for years and I can relate. Nobody believes me when I tell them that those feelings don’t go away for me in the long run. When I’m in a position where I can at least tell myself I’m special to someone, they don’t matter, but when I’m not, back they come. It isn’t just being lonely, maybe it is just opening my heart far too wide. _ said, “you have to get over her, you don’t know the half of it.” but I told her I didn’t want to know the half of it. It won’t make my feelings go away, it will just hurt. What did I just say?