I wandered around the house looking for the vitamin water I swear I had… last year… only to eventually find it empty in my pants drawer of my dresser. Emergen-C will have to do.

And so 2009 ended copying with missing M. No surprise, as it wasn’t all that different than the rest of the year. I had a good conversation this evening with A about how I felt, bits of history of the last couple of years of dating and how that all ultimately rolled up into how I feel about M now. Part of me wants to be distracted at the moment. On the surface, this missing always craves her company as the cure. That doesn’t really get me anywhere. Perhaps I should be reading. It’s pouring out off and on. J says she saw her tonight, and I ponder that for a while.

Now that I have the ARC schedule for 2010 figured out, I’m just waiting to hear about SCALE to make scheduling decisions about a trip I’ve been thinking about. I’m going to go back to Maine for a couple weeks in between big events at work, except that I plan to work most of it rather than be on vacation. I think this way I’ll ultimately have more time to spend with family and not feel rushed through a short vacation. I’m having trouble getting past memories of planning to take M on a trip like this, surely because she’s fresh in my mind.

Okay, more reading, rest, water, less sick. Here goes.

Well there it is. I just awoke and I’m pondering what to squeeze into the afternoon while I still have it. So much happens in a year…. or less. Met M less than a year ago. Chef was released less than a year ago. The Webtrends acquisition was less than six months ago. Speaking of which, last night heralded the move of my production systems from our original startup-crafty in-office Seattle datacenter to a brand spanking new DC in Las Vegas. This is a big deal, and more exciting things to come in the next couple of months. Sometimes I think the key to success is finding the opportunity for lots of growth, which is significant to my life right now in a number of ways. So many other people, different levels of relationships come and gone.

I still have a cold, the throat is slightly better. I don’t officially have work again until Monday although surely I’ll be doing some and my ARC rotation starts at 8am tomorrow because of the holiday.

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the effort I put into communicating what I want to people, and that on the whole I feel like I get less than that level of effort in return from most. I wonder if that puts [unfair] pressure on others? Was discussing “I’m not hitting on you” with Tori the other day, and we considered the “no means yes” stereotypes in the way that “whatever happens, it is yourfault, this is what you wanted.” In that whoever makes the final move, regardless of how others felt all along, may feel like they’re holding the responsibility. Which is sorta chuckle-worthy, since I’m never unwilling to share responsibility. Somehow being part of the solution [and not part of the problem] is ingrained in me. In the, “okay, fine, fault, fine, whatever, what now?” way.

I need cough syrup, coffee and chow.

Spent two nights down at Eatonville. I’m sick still, from a week ago. Still, I’m too stubborn to stay in. The new Christmas bike is done, except for the tires that UPS is holding hostage. I’ve got some road tires on it until them. Spent most of yesterday napping, reading, and talking to Mom.

There is little logic or sanity in having such a strong emotional connection to someone not in your life. While I brush off judgements sometimes by labelling myself a romantic, I have no faith in destiny of any sort. J and I were discussing my fathers sense of duty recently and while I have responsibility I don’t feel I have duty to anyone. Love, feels like seeing her happy. Where do those two meet? Do they usually? Do they with my lineage?

Currently listening to: William Shatner – Real

My drive to link to lyrics is often to convey that they mean something about my mood, man. Somewhere in the depths of this archive I go on about that, mostly about M poking fun at me for listening to Dido. Speaking of M, conversation with J lately about relationships seems to have opened a door. I’m not yet standing in front of it, so I can’t see entirely what is on the other side, but I can feel the additional space to be explored.

While christmas shopping at Elliott Bay Books the other day I finally picked up The Mindful Brain, recommended by J. A picked it up the other morning and expressed that the first few dozen pages didn’t seem to go anywhere, feeling very introductory. After catching up, I’ve made note to go back and ask her about that, as I’ve found it exciting and moving. Three concepts have already caught my attention: resonance circuitry, neuroplasticity and discernment.

This premotor area was the first region that revealed the finding of the mirror neuron system that enables us to take in the intentions and emotions of others and create those states in ourselves as part of a larger “resonance circuit”.

The general idea of the clinical benefit of mindfulness is that the acceptance of one’s situation can alleviate the internal battle that may emerge when expectations of how life should be no not match how life is. Being mindful entails sensing what is, even sensing your judgements, and noticing that these sensations, these images, feelings, and thoughts, come and go. If you have a COAL [curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love] stance, the rest takes care of itself. There is no particular goal, no effort to “get rid” of something, just the intention to be, and specifically, to experience being in the moment as one lets go of grasping onto judgements and goals.
Emerging from this reflective COAL mindful way of being is a fundamental process called “discernment” in which it becomes possible to be aware that your mind’s activities are not the totality of who you are.

Neuroplasticity is the term used when [brain] connections change in response to a experience

I actually came here to note that Andy is hilarious, but got distracted. As I’m winding down from a bit of imposed stress surrounding work, because our product is selling wildly and we are in “the big times” now, I’m craving doing nothing rather than focusing on anything. Of course, I don’t end up doing nothing, I end up doing something, something other than what the nothing was going to replace. So I end up with boundless piles of something. So here it is, something.

Oh yeah, I love Andy. I woke up to a 1:30am email from her including a “HYPOTHETICAL FAQ” of questions I might ask about a project we are working on together, such as “Andy, does this mean we’re done?” with a quite factual answer that could amount to “no, idiot” but is instead sarcastic, funny and great.

Today though, as in Wednesday, well. The day essentially began with a conversation with A about what I’ve been talking to J about, which amounted to relationships and what I’m looking for, and that it essentially isn’t out there right now. Which also meant that it isn’t here right now, which makes it a tough conversation but an honest one. Midday brought an email from M which will need more time to process and likely produce no conclusions that I haven’t already made. Such it is with M. In a ‘so it goes’ capacity, I remind myself there isn’t anything to say that hasn’t been said, but I’m full of everything to say, driven to say it. It must be shared. Yet it remains sequestered. And the day ended with an email from J asking about the state of my jealousy and her relationships with other people.

Speaking of my jealousy, I talked to A about that recently, today? She said she couldn’t see it. I’ve never been particularly chatty about it, always considering it my biggest fault. I think M was the first person I ever admitted it to, so we’re talking pretty recently here. I’m reminded of discernment, above, and consequentially other words in this book about sitting with how you feel and not running away. Distraction. Self-medication.

“Your dating feels more like a data sample to me. Because of who you are, you’re going to need a really big pool to find someone who fits.”

a nice day.  although it feels so long since sun.

A bike day too. After breakfast at Squid with Mom, I biked north and met Wendell, Hannah, Matt and Hannah at Elliott Bay Books and rode to Recycled together where I got some cranks for the SS MTB. I took a jaunt up to Caroline + Jeni’s to donate a spare wreath to their house of cuteness, then back to Georgetown for pizza with Meg, Colin and Tori. Rode around the neighborhood looking for Taarna before finally meeting up at my shop so she could use my MIG for a bit while I trued some wheels I had lying around.

All in all, a nice little weekend. Now another busy week.

Riding tonight was pretty great. I wish there were more laps, but I enjoyed it all the same. Having been sick like a dog, and working like a dog, I felt like I hadn’t seen anyone in days.

Progress on the SS MTB continues, excitement builds. Everyone in my family is buying me bike parts from the LBS for christmas. Funny walking in to talk to Ashok as my grandfather called him and him assuming “B McLellan” was my cell phone pocket dialling him.

Relationships make total sense these days, but, a disappointing sort of sense where I feel like I’ve been trying too hard to make something happen that isn’t going to. I can’t do anything other than sigh when I think about you doing what’s best for you. It’d be nice to not be able to miss you.

To make another point, M asked how I would feel if a friend of M’s told her how they felt how she treated me was wrong. I told her I’d be impressed. There’s an incredible about of significance in the truth of that.

Have a sore throat. Lame. Don’t remember when I had a cold last. Just drank some of the giant fucking Q and I’m going to crash here shortly. Went night hiking with A on Cougar Mountain last night. Nice to get out. She asked about M and mentioned that I hadn’t talked about her before. Yeah. I told her I’m still processing that.

Yesterday I was talking to J about M’s appreciation for open source, and how important it was to me to feel like I was dating someone who understood why it was important to me, how it was a big part of who I was and I feel like it goes un-noted in my intimate relationships. J surprised me by commenting on how having a connection like that is so important that it makes the little issues no unnoticed. I think secretly I was still hoping for more reasons to feel wrong about how I feel, in hope it would go away. Sometimes you just like someone more than they like you.

Yeah. I know better, I know.

A series of events today seem to have changed something inside of me.

A while ago I saw something, I swear it was a dilbert comic, at the ARC Seattle command center regarding doing something meaningful. It bugs the hell out of me that I can’t find it and link to it. What sticks in my mind is the choice to do something good that nobody will notice,  or doing something meaningless for which you will get attention for.

When I watched A Beautiful Mind, I got left with the impression that all smart people are insane in some way. Stopping there though and moving on, I saw a House episode recently about a genius who was taking DXM to cause brain damage so he could feel normal. What is the emotional equivalent of that?

Talked to J about people who watch TV, not even too much, but regularly watch TV, and thinking about how much time they lose to that. To what, to entertainment? And what of being social? Entertainment? But if not all of this, than what? Change the world? No, my life still isn’t a line drawn on an advertisement on a bus, thanks. J asked how I was doing, and I felt one part reluctant to be open because of history, and one part disinterested in how I was doing. I want to say that it doesn’t change, that I get by. That’s a [mis]understatement. Most problems are solvable, they just take time. The others, they feel hopeless and foreign. It is a bizarre feeling of loneliness that I’m not all that familiar with.

It might be time to leave.

Fuck that shit. Remembered this.

At the 9lb tonight with friends, reminded of M commenting on how me being a computer geek there in carhartt suspenders would have gotten me beat up or whatever a few years ago. I brought this up recently, and again tonight. Consensus on the direct implication as amount to literally and figurative “bullshit.” T commented recently on anyone not being able to know from my appearance what I do for work, but further I’ve always gotten along well with tradesfolk due to personality and experience.

All of that aside, of which there is more of, why would M say that? Is this more personal identity issue? K offered that it sounded like social identity issues without my leading. Because who cares, unless you’re worried about this group accepting you, because you get your identity and self worth from it? More posturing. So tiresome and disappointing. Disappointing insofar as it makes her feel so immature and uninterested in growth. Was she honest when she said she never wanted to grow again? Probably partially, a knee jerk defensive reaction. She often seemed defensive about implications that she wasn’t good enough in some way. While talking about owning her problems, it sounds much more like an excuse to be how she is than accepting responsibility for ones flaws and working from them.

I’m feeling tired of falling in love with people who aren’t taking themselves seriously, I’m tired of not being impressed with their depth of character.