Talking with friends over lunch about people coming back into my life recently feeling that something isn’t right, not knowing what it is, but that they think it is somehow related to me. One friend felt like they’re going through a learning curve. That sounds like an insult at first, like calling someone juvenile, but of course we’re all constantly learning different things about ourselves and most importantly we’re all on different tracks. Life is not a straight line until the end. To some degree, I feel like I’ve been disrupting these approaches when I start to respond to them, like I should be some kind of third party observer to them, even though it is a two party interaction. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t appear as open from the side of the road as I believe I am. And perhaps I need to remind myself that not everyone is as comfortable and interested in dealing with their own problems as I am.

I know I’ve said that certain xkcd + asw comics define life for me, but I’ve got a new direction.

J laughed trying to imagine me in a wine bar. As we parted she expressed that she couldn’t get out of her mind my mention of the McLellan martyr syndrome, and how M was likely repulsed by it, even if not actively. I agreed, expressing that the energy I put forth into trying to support her always came back as accusations that I expected her to cry on my shoulder, or that I expected her to get ‘fixed’ so everything would be wonderful. I expressed my frustration over how much effort I had put into trying to communicate my support; be it a car ride to her sisters, a trip to another state, being there, or just being somewhere. Frustrating because to this day she still talks around this elephant in the room like it was never there, projecting others disappointment in who she is upon me like an expectation. How frustrating it is not being able to have these conversations, and hard it is to not hold her still and have a “Look!” conversation. The sheer level of absurdity in loving someone because of who they are and constantly being accused of trying to change them is mind-boggling drama. It’s probably a lesson for the best, as that level of energy isn’t sustainable. Caring but having to keep it to yourself is probably what having a teenager is like.

Well look at that, morning. I sat for a bit, thinking way back to M being upset with me for being defensive of H after this incident where she said a bunch of shit about her ex-boyfriend’s actions at a small party. In retrospect, I gave H too much credit, but I ponder how much of it is my normal giving people a lot of credit, and how much of it was influenced by my relationship with H. I spent some time thinking about the leeway I afford M. Perhaps A’s comment about commitment the other day, and admitting the origins of those comments are all rooted in the absurdity of some interactions with M. Of course, I put metric fucktons of energy into trying to work out a relationship of some kind with M; energy spent on communication, support, compassion, to no avail. Which is evidence that I have been extremely tolerant of attitudes and actions I wouldn’t have put up with from anyone else. Put up with… What would I have done? Walk away.

After spending time at a dinner party for A’s birthday, the one whiskey drinker among a table full of wine flights in a crowd talking about growing up in “towns” of 80,000 people, I had some conversations lately with A about people worth knowing, and the amount of available time to afford to them. Unless we’re tagging along on an activity, I very rarely afford time to anyone. My really close friends get all there is, which there isn’t a lot of, because as indicated last night I am involved in so much that a single day doesn’t go buy without a lot going on. I used to tell M that the degree of our relationship was up to her. This wasn’t going to help, really, because how she keeps people at a distance, and it wasn’t avoiding responsibility for the situation on my part because it took an incredible amount of energy to keep that option available to her, to move plans, schedule projects around, to be available. It seems I’m always open to having meaningful discussion about life with people, relationships pop up here and there purely based on this like with G. But getting together to hang out? Pretty rare, and almost always involves sharing a meal since that’s a decent time to stop doing something anyhow.

So, as people at work start realizing I’m awake and asking me about projects, I’ll finish up for now. How far have I been bending over backwards for M to compensate for her lack of effort? How hard has it been to carry that? How much relief is in saying goodbye to that?

You know what’s awesome? Corporate DNS servers that cache results from other Corporate DNS servers. You know how great it is sitting around waiting for a DNS server to expire some cached data when you don’t have administrative access to clear the cache? IT IS AWESOME. Do you know what time it is? Really? Should I call the emergency pager for IT? “Yes, no, I just need you to clear the cache. Yeah, I know it is 3am. Please?”

What else have I been up to? Besides being sarcastic. Alleycat Acres is awesome-town. Shmoocon 2010 network/labs planning is in full swing, albeit a little premature, we’ll see what’s up when we hit the ground on the 4th. But really, how much could I do in the day since my last post (lets just ignore the one the middle, call it a mulligan).The cluster I was building in IRL on EC2 got put on hold to build a development cluster on EC2 near SJC. I’ve got to get that done by start of business on Tuesday. Er. Today. Morning. Sunrise.

Oh look, DNS is working again.

Truth? Compromise? Balance? The mouseover hits a common theme for me. Todays commute was brought to you today by the the pondering of my own intensity. I emailed my grandparents a little about M, and haven’t heard back from them. I recall years ago emailing them about Dad’s alcoholism, and only accidentally getting a response because the AOL interface confused them. That side of the family often talks about being worriers, and combined with Dad’s statements about our heritage having great strengths, but tremendous weaknesses, I further try to add it all up to something. Both sides of my family are very hard working people, I consider them “get shit done” people, and thus I identify strongly with a hard working “blue collar” stereotype, my professional career aside. Weaving multiple threads from last night together with theses notes about worry, strength and weakness, perhaps we’ve all been emotionally intense people to start with, and our strengths are a product of dealing with and distracting ourselves from those emotions.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last day or so about “someday never comes” as well. The origins are interesting. I don’t think I’m drawn to it because of my parents divorce, although I recall writing recently about the time I asked my mother about why they were splitting up and effectively getting that response. In search of that passage, I stumbled across some thoughts about divorce from when N was flying out of Seattle. All I can do is smile and shake my head, mimicking my father as I think, “life is funny sometimes.”

Every once in a while I realize nobody on this planet can always tell the A’s and the M’s and the whatevers apart. I sort of feel bad for a moment, then I remember it is sort of the point. Vaguery successfully filters.

ARC was fun this weekend. I got to play one of the Shelter Managers in the Shelter Simulation. One person on my team asked how long I had been doing sheltering for, since I knew a lot about it, and I told him I hadn’t before but that I’d done a lot of training. In most classes, when we introduce ourselves we talk briefly about why we’re taking that specific class. I’ve gone through a couple iterations of answers looking for a good short one. In long, I’m preparing to fill a role in the next major national disaster and part of that is cross-training to make myself as useful as possible Since I’m on a Disaster Action Team at the local shelter, it applies here too. Having an understanding of multiple positions allows me to better anticipate the needs of other teams, and makes me available to fill any possible holes that may pop up in short order. After I wrap up a couple online bits I have left, I will have finished training for Client Casework, Disaster Assessment and Mass Care Sheltering. In about another month I should have Material Support Services and Mass Care Feeding finished up as well. I’ll stop there for the general tracks, but continue to pick up whatever I little bits I can here and there. The RC LMS has addition online courses beyond my requirements, and I’ve stumbled on to some FEMA courses as well.

Speaking of volunteering, my little HfH habit is picking up more interested people to come along. That’s exciting.

A was very supportive today. Multiple times she picked up on my mood and approached me about what I was thinking about and how I felt. At one point she confronted me about my definition of commitment seeming to be an agreement to work through problems together, and how that seemed awfully low. I told her it wasn’t really my definition of commitment, and that it was an emotional response of frustration from communication barriers with M. She then commented, partly based on a conversation earlier about the old “you don’t include me in decisions about where we’re going in Texas” fight, that I do seem to make a lot of snap judgements and act on them, not giving others enough time to respond. I had commented earlier on how I can’t believe how much has happened in the last week, and agreed that she was right. I’m thinking I may need to spend more time writing here and hashing out my thoughts, or maybe go back to writing unsent emails again. I’ve very appreciative of her thoughtfulness and genuine concern right now.

I’m also thinking a lot about distraction lately, having had been thinking about M’s pattern of keeping busy and searching for empathy in my own patterns. I know sometimes I actively search out some hobby work to distract me from anxiety or emotional distress. How much of keeping busy could be self-conscious perma-distraction? When I say “that’s just the kind of person I am,” should my bullshit flag be going off? Not sure.

While there’s a lot of real conversation about friends to be had, as opposed to my really heavy sarcasm lately (is that a sign that I’m more, or less stressed?), A brought up usually not having friends under thirty because they’re typically not emotionally mature. Stable? I’ve had part of this conversation with J, about the awesome ability of the older girls I have dated to communicate their feelings clearly without being defensive or accusatory, and the pretty reliable pattern of the younger girls I have dated to not be able to. How does my attraction to a base level of passion for life play into that situation? Then there was that conversation with J about M’s pattern of blaming others, and her asking her age and commenting about thinking that most people under twenty-five haven’t gotten over their own self-importance yet. Is that an integral part for supporting a partner in a healthy manner?

Anyhow, big day tomorrow, meeting some folks about urban farming is going to break up my day, and work is all big-time still. I have a feeling we’re not going to ever get back to the simple days of startup-land where we just made awesome product.

When talking to A recently about her wondering if my emotions ever felt like a burden, M came up and she said “no, that’s a burden ON HER,” and reiterated asking if they felt like a burden on me. I think I was clear about this in that entry, but the distinction has been interesting hence. Years ago I came to realize the ways I could have satisfied what M really wanted, that is what she wanted but wasn’t communicating directly. That has come full circle recently, as I give a nod to what M says, which isn’t the same as how she acts. There isn’t anything to be said about it, because she is not interested in the conversation. So I must draw the lines, and redraw the lines on my one. Kind of like an emotional sketch artist.

While breaking computers for their own good, I caught the end of BSG again as Tanya was watching it. It is emotional, but there is one particular scene that tears me up. And I wonder because of that how much more is conveyed through emotion. Like “a picture tells a thousand words” so does empathy(?).

Finally finding closure with M made a lot clear in ways that are too significant for me to verbally articulate. Like being told a life lesson when you’re young and it making sense alright but it isn’t completely clear and appreciated until you’ve experienced it.

I consider A’s comments about justification in hindsight of our actions, comparing April with January. It’s interesting to face a very similar choice in both circumstances but find that much has changed. I feel like I “should” stamp all of this in some standard way, like fingering immaturity or fear, pointing out others failures or victimizing myself. I’m tempted to say something about “the way I am,” and I catch myself. Is emotional the way I am? I can’t reconcile that, in that way. It’s clear that my words are a fucking burden. Perhaps that was the catalyst for aforementioned mystical clarity.

As I sit and consider the judgements made, I try to remove myself from the situation. Not to be logical and devoid of emotional influence, but to be fair and limit the bias. The accusations? Maybe. Something made me engage the same escape techniques I use in meetings, that I use when bailing out of a situation that I’ve given the opportunity to prove my suspicions wrong and it’s sliding right where I expected it to. I don’t feel like it’s throwing my hands up, there’s no frustration. I’m reminded of sitting on a ledge on Double-top Mountain in Baxter State Park, some ten years ago or so, thinking about the insignificance of… baggage? life’s troubles?

The meeting analogy is interesting, thinking about the compromises and movements I make to satisfy someone when we’re simply not able to communicate on the same level. Focusing on what it is they want, what they’re trying to achieve. This is an empathy skill? A tech support skill? Is this the same thing that creates all those large recipient emails I write that garner “well said” responses? Is this a product of many hours thinking about other’s passion? Hard to say. While my words being a burden has interesting implications, I can’t do anything more than remove myself. I discern the easiest way out, and walk away. Go sit on that ledge again. Not just away, on. It’s not sad, or unfortunate. It’s probably partly a product of making sure I had no regrets, of making myself vulnerable and offering that openness and repeatedly having it not be embraced. Trying wasn’t so I could tell anyone else that I did, it was so I know that I honestly and openly did the best I could at the time, and there was no interest in that.

And so today (friday) was the one year anniversary of the public release of Chef. There’s so much there I still wish I could share with M. Everything that I’m excited about that’s transpired; debian packages, ubuntu bugs, ruby code, essays, talks, implementation, soap boxes; why it all matters. Perhaps that part is a little sad, because I feel like I’ve lost part of that, like I’ve lost part of the excitement for that because of settling into a place, a classification if you will, that is the past and not the future. Maybe that was what changed, the realization that there is no future to that relationship… it won’t grow into anything. It will always be what once, for a short time, was.

Look, a photo of me from ‘calendar photo shoot Sunday’ with my shirt on.

I’m waiting still. Actually, that “waiting for” that I wasn’t sure what it was but decided was for “someone”, being a partner to magic those somethings exciting that I have piled up, that I think I’ve put to rest. I said my goodbyes to that. Right now, I’m waiting on computers, again. I think. Some days I wish we had four day work weeks so I could have another day to work when nobody was around to distract me with other projects.

After my nap, and the Integras network exploding, I took Dan out to lunch. He’s in town visiting Opscode HQ and it turns out he’s moving here in a couple weeks. Good times. Chatting with venture capital firms about configuration management has been fun too.