Well. That was fun. Nothing better than talking about your relationship problems with two lawyers and a court reporter.

Apparently I’m a hipster now, as Monica teased me for BMX helmet, short haircut, graphic t-shirt, and bandanna whilst riding my fixed gear bicycle sporting a messenger bag. Most of those have perfectly reasonable expectations. But they really don’t matter.

Talked to Scott this morning about shit that’s going on, at least what I can talk about, which lead to the timing of M breaking up with me, finding out about A’s death in such close proximity to my birthday and my great grandmothers death, left out dealing with the layoffs and whatnot. It didn’t really matter beyond that it sucked.

Correction, B’s dad’s birthday was the day of my motorcycle accident. I think he would have been 25, which was how old I was when I had my accident. Still bizarre.

Fuck though. Today sucks. I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over. So much on my chest, the implications of which send waves through everything else. I’ll see B in a bit, which will be comforting, then a chance to talk with J for a while, which I wish I had a few hours for before tomorrow instead of one.

Twelve hours of sleep last night, breakfast with Mom, then a forty mile bike ride, including a tour of five water towers with Bike Sabbath. Stopped in the UD to meet a friend to get some comforting, and ran into other friends around the neighborhood as well. Come to think of it, ran into lots of bike kids on the ride too. Recovery and distraction.

Recent external pressure is making me deal with the repercussions of things that happened a long time ago that I still don’t feel ready to deal with. It’s gotta happen some day I suppose.

It may sound crass, but I was in some way happy when the whole M issue spurred you to take up the suggestion to seek counseling. Somehow counseling around relationship issues was something you could do.

Man, why does that just leave me angry at M? More feeling abandoned. So afraid to trust, and so afraid not to. I remember a comment from her expressing her being glad my friends and family were there to take care of me when she left me. As she got more frustrated, that quickly turned into the implication that I wasn’t her problem anymore, she washed her hands of me, and with it her guilt and feelings.

It’s not appropriate to quote all of this at this time, as much as I want to:

… as if something was chasing you and might catch up.

It’s getting very close to time to give up I suppose.

patient encouraged to request meds well before pain gets to level of 7/10

Medic unit reported patient unresponsive with GCS 3

Christ. Just reading these records hurts.

Waiting for development to send me some sql statements to tune up the demo environment for engage this week. I chuckled remembering M’s complaint about how I thought about truck axles when  I should have, presumbly, been thinking about more meaningful bits. I’m pretty sure I’ve always had the thinking too much covered, actually.

I’ve been thinking about M rarely talking about his first wife, about having strong feelings for someone not being enough to make it work, about finding a relationship that you can make work. Someone (J?) was talking with me a while back about often falling for people who were not emotionally available. I’ve had enough strife due to the emotionally unavailable that I’m much better at accepting my losses.

Maybe it’s time to count more of my blessings. Maybe that’s what I’m doing right now.

Carefully.

The day of my motorcycle accident is the anniversary of her father’s death in a motorcycle accident.

Reading through a three or four inch pile of medical paperwork related to my motorcycle accident is interesting. I put it behind me as fast as I could, I try to forget it. I didn’t realize A had come to see me while I was in the hospital. I can’t think of A without remembering when I found out she had died, having just been abandoned by M. I stayed home that day. I wanted to talk to A. When I found out, I went outside to find Tori smoking to get a hug. It was almost my birthday. Star Trek was almost out. Can I quantify how important M was to me? And how much I was looking forward to sharing the excitement that I keep hidden and protected with her? Such a large hole. A year before, my great grandmother Mae passed on my birthday (5/26/1912 – 5/7/2008), and A passed the next day.

That’s a one in three-hundred and sixty five chance right? I never took statistics. I suppose as years pass the likelihood of all of this happening grows. I was thinking it was my Uncle Yale who shot himself who died on my fathers birthday, but it was father’s really good pilot friend who died in a plane crash on his birthday.

Everything that makes spending time with B great draws really interesting patterns regarding M. Being unable to get M to stop running away aside, I’m fascinated by how important it is to have someone care about me and be able to express it to me without shame. Sometimes it feels like that is all that matters.

Really? Thursday?

M disappeared for over two weeks again. I’m not at all surprised. I guess that was the point of the whole saying goodbye thing.

The other day I asked B what she did on Friday, trying to calculate when the last day was that we did not hang out together. I remembered when talking to J about it later than we went bowling. We’ve been hanging out every day for the last week. I had some interesting conversations with J about PTSD, and how different people deal with it. She’s been more and more interested about how I don’t talk about the fire, the divorce, my accident, or school, and we’ve been correlating that to how other people’s trauma affects how they act, specifically intimately. J and I talked about my hanging out with B, and she underscored, “she makes time for you, because she wants to spend time with you.”

That’s the theme of whatever spare time I have to consider how the last year (ironically, B’s birthday is the anniversary of watching the containers day) has changed my understanding of what I want. What spare time though? Christ.

Anxiety hit me at one point during group activities at ARC yesterday, and I spent some time thinking about the combination of lack of sleep, stress at work, and heart drama. It wasn’t really a problem at the time, but I was thinking about the breathing problems I had while hiking last week and I’m wondering about a doctor telling me I need to take it easy and do less.

My official ARC training for MSS, apparently being renamed to Logistics, finished up yesterday. I have more optional and cross-training, which has been at least half or more of my training so far. Still, it was another nice accomplishment.

Drama physically surrounding M spread, into a strange Georgetown style cloud. It’ll be fine, but it has felt like a bizarre inevitability. I probably shouldn’t be spending as much time with B as I am, but I’m enjoying myself and I have a hard time faulting myself for that.

Somehow, this upcoming week is full from top to bottom. In a way that feels good and full, rather than just out of time. And so it begins.

Coming back 509 from dumpstering in Burien last night, J and I both commented on the view of the city being massive, one you don’t see that often in Seattle because of the hills. Biking back from White Center after giving B a 14 mile bicycle route tour around the parts of South and West Seattle with character, I had similar love for the lights of SODO. The city reminds me of opportunity, which makes me think about M’s comments about there not being anything for her here. Depending on which M we’re talking about, that’s complicated in different ways. I can’t stop finding awesome stuff to get involved in, I don’t have enough time for it all. As I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve changed, I almost get excited about what’s next. Who’s excited with me?

H told B that I “would learn something just to be able to show it to someone,” as a compliment. I got talking about still feeling like a simple kid from the woods most of the time. I was trying to explain to her what I am in my field, I tried to settle on pundit but she didn’t know what I met so I had to say expert. ick. I guess so, but I hate that. It’s performance review time at work. I don’t know if I’ve ever done this before. It felt like a pain in the ass until I really started thinking about what my accomplishments have been lately, and I’m finding that exercise personally worthwhile. Crazy cool technology has been leveraged lately. I keep getting more compliments about my ability to be reasonable, mediate, and discern in tense and difficult situations. The opportunities ahead are exciting as long as nobody steps in and fucks them up. And elsewhere! So much great volunteering right now! Ah! Looking at my calendar for the next few weeks is exciting and full of great things.

Still, lots of conversation lately about coming terms with being unable to communicate with M. There’s a lot going on in my friends lives that I can identify or associate with that, it seems. Oh well. Can’t win them all I guess.