I woke up to about twenty facebook notifications due to people withing me a happy birthday. This is nice. Although facebook wall posts are a little light, it makes me feel good to think about how people were thinking about me and care. I hope for letters every morning. Actually, in the see of notifications I had a message from K, who doesn’t believe in facebook walls anyway. Of course, I thought of M as well, and my absurd uninvited unrelenting longing to hear from her.

Dear M,

Wherever you are out there in the world, abashedly fighting the good fight against the trials of life, I’m thinking about you.

B

I rode the BMW over to C’s for a couple hours for a birthday party. I left in time to catch a bowl of chili at Smarty Pants before the kitchen closed. I noticed on foursquare that a number of people were at the 2621 event, a party on the first friday of every month among the computer security scene in Seattle. One of them texted me, so I headed back out to that for a couple more hours. As I pulled up to the house hosting the event for the first time, I turned the corner it was on to find two other BMW F800GS’s out front. I grinned and slid in beside them. I didn’t catch who one of them belonged to, but another was a friend of mines, purchased about nine days ago. Among other subjects, we talked bikes for a while.

It was nice to get out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clan_MacLellan

Clan motto: Think On.

Huh.

Dad,

I’m watching an instructional DVD for the BMW. It covers tricks for on the road repairs like changing tires and different accessory recommendations for traveling. The movie stars a Norwegian who runs a local company that organizes world-wide motorcycle tours. I met him years ago at a DVD release party at another local company that is the US reseller for a major adventure touring parts company. It turns out one of his colleagues is an old friend of an old coworker of mine. I’ve had a few beers with him over the years. Seattle remains small.

I get a kick out of the video, particularly the accent I think. It makes me think of the photos from the old Haynes automotive manuals and imagine what this kind of video would look like with those guys. This also makes me laugh imagining Stan making an automotive repair manual.

Kate asked me a while ago how to find mechanically inclined folks around Surry and I had to laugh. I haven’t made friends with many gear-heads out here still, despite the diversity of the people I know. It is very much like firearms; I spend more time teaching people about working on motorcycles and automobiles than I do hanging out with cohorts and bullshitting about them.

I had a bit of a warble on the GMC when braking, which drove me to replacing the rotors. This took me a fucking week. I should have known, it turns out I’ve done this on the Chevy as well but had forgotten. It is the 8600GVW weight rating that makes the wheels and hubs built like a tank. It was strange not having anyone to really talk to about this. I’ve told a lot of people, but not being able to tell you about it really made me feel that something was missing.

I’m pretty sure I’m missing some tricks by not paying attention to this video, but it’s awfully slow moving.

I decided I would head to Alaska this year on the BMW. I don’t know that there is anything I need to specifically do or think about, but I think I need some time alone and away. Time where I can stop being frustrated with projects, work and relationship and hear the silence again. I’m excited for the trip. I’ve got to rely on myself right now.

I miss you and think of you every day.

Good day.

J recommended that I write letters to my father, which is probably a good idea. I’m still debating if I’ll write them here or on paper.

Nice sunny day. I’m enjoying biking to work again.

Talked to the boss about time off. Looks like a road trip is on. I’ve started making the purchases for the BMW I had been putting off. This is exciting.

It’s late, and I’m being a lot more brief that I planned to.

I was really impressed with how up front and communicative F was the other day. It’s made me think a bit about people who have avoided conversation, from those on dating sites who haven’t ever met me, to those I’ve dated and known for some time. In a better period of my life, I’d probably take this more introspectively.

I should be asleep.

I was able to smile this morning on the bike ride into work while thinking about Dad. I hope I can keep turning those feelings around. It’s been over a week since I rode a bicycle into work. I was wondering if part of the hardship of last week was the lack of exercise. My ankle still hurts if I run. I may schedule a doctors appointment.

I usually look over the last couple of posts before I write and review how I was feeling. There is interesting value in the retrospective look. I’ve been awfully distracted. Oh well. I don’t feel like dwelling this early on a Monday morning. There’s definitely been a loss of coherency. I feel that way, so this isn’t surprising.

I’m pretty sure I need to be out of the world for a while.

I wake up every morning disappointed to find nothing meaningful in my inbox or on my phone, thus confirming nothing changed overnight. I feel like the energy I put out is getting consumed, and then the world looks back at me and says, “what, were you expecting something in return for that?”

Everyone tells me I’m feeling the way I should because of the loss of my father. I’m not sure I’m doing something right.

I had a date the other night. I’m not really dating, although I am still spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about relationships. She asked me out though, and I figured it would be a good time. I always already pretty sure she was politically a northwestern alt-hippie.

Sidebar. I’ve lost my patience for causes. I still mostly like my volunteering, and they were never causes for me. They are meaningful ways to spend my time. That probably sounds like a cause, except that I don’t expect to save or change the world. I’m kind of an asshole in that I am prejudice against the anti-[anything] work and [whatever]-normative education, insofar as I tend to check out at first mention. I don’t think she was too turned on by that, but she was quite the reasonable and interesting person, and reacted pleasantly to my honesty.

When I was around twenty, I lived in the attic of a warehouse. I always had people around. When it got to be too much, I would head to Dad’s in Surry. Home is so far away now. Mom lives only an hour and a half away, but it isn’t that simple. Even when we still lived in Maine, there was always a couch, but at Dad’s I always had my bedroom to go to.

On a test ride of the GMC after a weeks worth of work, T and I caught in some lyrics a bit about money not buying happiness. I really feel like I need to skip town. On the BMW tonight, wandering around, I kept thinking of L.

R disappeared, which is good for her. It’s not even May still. June is still unfathomably far away.

Where does one buy a headstone anyway?

Or not.

Hooooly crap today sucks. M recommended “maybe you should let yourself be sad,” to which I responded “I don’t feel like I’m keeping myself from feeling sad though. I can’t remember feeling sad and thinking I shouldn’t.” I think my head hurts too much to cry right now. I should have slept when I had the chance. I can’t decide over going to the bar for an hour, or going for a motorcycle ride now.

Everyone I’d like to talk to right now, I can’t. Still, I don’t regret my choices, it just makes me feel alone.

I hate Sundays now. My father and I would talk on the phone every Sunday at about 3pm. Sometimes we’d talk during the week as well, usually Wednesdays, so afternoons aren’t great either. I know in my last post I lamented waiting for the bus for this reason, but Sundays are the worst.

I woke this morning having had a dream about friends, camps, and of course, my father. Having only slept a few hours Friday night due to having Saturday full of multiple volunteer commitments plus spending more piles of cash shopping for truck parts, I tried to sleep in a bit. As a prize, I got a headache. I hate that sleep gives me headaches sometimes.

So I swore, got up, and got my day started. Of course this meant heading to NAPA for more truck parts first, then a class for the Red Cross, then working on the truck all afternoon. It’s on the road again though, so despite a few hacks, there was success.

I forgot to eat. I had some chips, a york peppermint patty, and an assortment of beverages. I don’t eat when I’m stressed out. Sometimes I drink coffee when I am, which just makes me eat less. It’s a problem.

So I had a bowl of soup and talked to mother on the phone for a piece of time. Here we are, nearly at the end of another weekend. I spent time with friends as best I could. I tried to stay positive. I suppose I can sleep it off now.

Tomorrow is another day.