Ride to Olympia from Bremerton was nice. Mom drove down so I threw my camping gear in her car and rode the IRO. Need to get a real seat I guess. Still impossible to not think about L and have heartache over it. Had a hard time not leaving the group when I was upset.

M said I’ve lost weight. Yeah. I didn’t drink at all yesterday. Tented alone with the chickens, chatted a bit and hung out by the fire until the last couple of people pulled out sleeping bags.

Met more Sherwood folks, saw Jason from there. Saw Mitchell, other aquantainces. when we went swimming at a public dock we ran into some bike kids. Point83 came up, Chris Jewel, about it.

After a cup of coffee with mom I took off alone on an east route. Rode through Oly and stopped for some boxer breifs and clomitrazol. Made it to Steilacoom in two hours. I’m eating now, and will probably ride through Tacoma and get home via Vashon. I feel beter about mashing and hurting myself when my mind gets stuck on L when riding alone.

“Bags without people don’t make sense”

Or hearts without love don’t make sense?

S was talking last night about not wanting a relationship. She sounds a bit unstable. I get why people get fed up, for an obvious multitude of reasons, but I’ve never felt that way.

Off on the ferry to Bremerton. Made it with a few minutes to spare, up to last call with J, S and roommates. J commented on how weird life is, with S showing up unexpectedly and all.

I joked that just when you have it figured out, at 11:58pm, and you think you’re going to be happy, it’s tomorrow and someone changes everything on you. Dad used to say the same thing about women, but my heart still hopes for one to love.

Still poking at the happiness study when I have time. Case number 141 is chilling.

I think the most important element that has emerged in my own psychic picture is a fuller realization of my own hostilities. In early years I used to pride myself on not having any. This was probably because they were too deeply buried and I unwilling and afraid to face them.

In your last days, you “could not settle down,” You “just sort of wandered,”

“One of the most perplexing and charming people I have ever met in my life,”

Interesting note that JFK was in the Grant Study but his files were removed and sealed until 2040.

Had E watch the video, it’s amazing the feelings in conjures up.

Dry ice bombs, being hooligans takes planning.

Saw Rusty at ACC this morning and chatted about how the showing of Weaponizers went at Central Cinema, the future showings, and the welding rental shop. Sounds like that latter is progressing.

Camping at Clair’s farm in Olympia tomorrow. A few of us will be biking down from Seattle.

Talking to J last night about happily singing sad songs… It’s sort of amazing how much local kid drama can happen in twenty four hours. Every time I stop back in that scene I have to catch up. I’m like, “Yeah I heard about that yesterday.” “No, that was yesterday, and then… !”

Talking to M today it became obvious to me that people are already making assumptions about who M is. In the course of life, I’ve dated what I feel isn’t that many people on average. I suppose it’s natural that each person would assume that I’m talking about the M that they know. There’s an interesting segway there into something else I’ve been wanting to talk about, basically [insular] social scenes and bro-dom and such bullshit. I’ll get to that later or some day. So anyway, the ambiguity is working except that it’ll likely just cause confusion because of assumptions. But that’s cool, earlier I told a friend, “Intentional ambiguity. If they want to know what’s going on because they read it they can ask me.” But yeah, I’ve dated more than one M.

Talking online about L to bike people. It’s so difficult to say the right things to people with everyone else in consideration. Talking about L in this way breaks me apart and I start crying. What the hell. It’s too fucking complicated to take everyone’s feelings into account.

That was fucking hard.

There used to be these advertisements on the bus that were a timeline that was all, ‘born, school, wife, house, kids, retirement’ with ‘change the world‘ scribbled in. A while ago I read a bit about someone talking to some cancer researchers who were saying that when they ask for funding it’s “to cure cancer”, but in reality it is just to fight a small battle against one type of cancer. But everyone wants to cure cancer and change the world.

Not to say that folks need to shut the fuck up and appreciate, because I’ve been told that before by M (heh, “I dated this girl once” as the joke used to be) and that’s a different conversation, and it is its own type of bullshit. Really though, find some humility, and little love, and improve the life of the people you see every day.

Honestly, it breaks my heart that I’ve never dated anyone who I could play Kenshin for and share with them the sense of how vitally important it is to live this way. I probably feel this way due to recent events, but it makes me feel unloved and not understood.

Everything seems upside down in the hood lately. Brigh‘s been starting shit. I don’t know what to do about that. Which, isn’t to say I should actually do something, but I don’t know what my reaction should be. I really don’t like folks interfering with other people’s lives, especially when I get the impression it is only for the sake of their real estate values. Fuck people who value money over living.

I talked to J for a while last night on the street about scenes and how they suck. We agreed being the bridge between scenes can cause you to carry more load than they deserve. I’ve never liked blind support of “bro’s”, that is, standing behind someone because they’re part of your scene, not because of what you believe in. I feel this all drills right back down to this ‘need to belong’ instinct that breeds insular, prejudice social groups. There’s no place for that, it’s not cool. I got a sweatshirt yesterday to make my ‘poser’ hoodie. I gotta get some fabric paint somewhere, maybe I’ll leave here early because I’m upset anyways.

I meant when I was riding in to read a bit about the history of solidarity because I called this shit out, but today got really emotional and I just don’t have it in me. I don’t think I would find myself that far off though.

T was telling me that N went to a show at FBK after not having been there for a long time and found that a ton of kids were covered in patches for political punk bands whose message was lost on them, they were uninterested in politics altogether. They were basically scenesters. Or, I think they’re called posers around there. Fucking uniforms.

I’m glad in this mess of scenes I’m still finding some real people though. You know, like Almost Famous “real people”. Or not really, but said that way.

IRT the awesome conversation with J about moving from the “sad house” to the “angry house”. M says “neither of those houses sound good. can I live in a house called sometimes sad sometimes angry but mostly happy house”, to which I replied, “well the idea is that they’re on the same street. presumably there could be a happy house on that street, but it could also just be a “coming soon” sign on an empty lot.”

Despite all my hard work, woke up pukey today. I can’t sleep enough because of my mind and my heart. The rest of my body feels their pain. Speaking of which, I should force myself to eat something. Herro cliff bar.

It’s 3:30am, and the birds are chirping already. Don’t they know it’s still dark out? I was just out there, it was fucking dark.

Tonights ride started with a comment at the prefunk about how I was the subject of much gossip. That was all there was to it though. Few people in Point83 approach me on a personal level, as opposed to a social level. So that probably acts as enough of a moat to keep the noise down.

I kept my drinking to a minimum. When we ended up at the 9lb, after I while I started feeling sad, so I left and stopped by the show at FBK in search of friends where there’d be some mutual happiness about each other’s company. Leaving 9lb was weird, I left half a drink there, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

Found J & J at FBK, saw some other acquaintances. There was much appreciation for me having some dry ice left over from Russ and I fucking around with it on the ride, with which I made a little smoke machine for the band. J said my ex-girlfriend was stupid, because I’m awesome and have dry ice. Being drunk aside, I could tell she meant it and appreciated it. It’s flattering having folks like you when you feel left alone. The show ended, and with recent neighborhood weirdness FBK went quiet for the night. J and I went to his house, stopped by my house to refill, then over to the Hen House for a bit of an after party. It was a small enough group everyone sort of knew each other and I’m too tired and sad to be working at making friends right now.

J made a comment at FBK about how fucked up it was that everyone was happily singing along to a song that was inherently sad. It’s doubly fucked up with relationship drama, but that all aside, he was right. It is far too easy for us to rationalize away feelings.

A girl at FBK asked me questions about my ‘leather-people’. “Oh, my leatherman, oh, wait, I see what you did there.”

Bike camping again this weekend. It’ll be nice to get out of town.

J and I talked a bunch about relationships and heartbreak, moving from sad house to angry house, the tragedy of running away from good things.

Every email I get, every text I get, I want it to be from L. If I was fourteen I might think it pathetic. I own my feelings now, at this age. It’s sad that they aren’t reciprocated.

Hiding in the bathroom for a bit where I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness of someone popping in to ask me a question while I’m crying, I think I’ve finished a bit of the roundup of the last 27 years. This will probably sound cliche, because the words lack the ability to harness my feelings. If happiness is love, then losing love is sadness.

Besides there being so many things that remind me of L, and there being no hope to avoid them, I have a few memories that would bring me incredibly joy, and happiness having that in my life. Now when sitting and thinking about them, they make me sad, a reminder of loss?

I guess, with realizing that the way I feel is perfectly human, normal, and perhaps unfortunately under-expressed, I see some silliness in looking for answers. Feelings are sort of a religion for me insofar I don’t try to explain love, I’m happy feeling it. It seems like people in my life that get close to me sometimes have issues dealing with how that affects their own problems.

Which is to say, it all makes sense now, and I accept it. I simply miss L, and that’s hard but okay.

And I’m drinking too much.

Tori shared a video from The Atlantic about a 72-year-long Harvard study about health and happiness.

The job isn’t confirming, it isn’t keeping up with the Joneses. It is, playing, and working, and loving, and loving is probably the most important. Happiness is love.

Go heart, go.

Oh FBK.

Conversations with like hearts about not wanting to give up hope, against all odds.

Balanced with a conversation about how numbers are a human construct and somehow the source of all disease.

One made sense inside of me, one made no sense and I eventually had to bow out to come how to sleep.

There was a 2:1 disagreement about “wanting someone to be happy with me” vs. “wanting someone to be happy.”

Guess which side I was on?

Whiskey-nap time.

There’s something about being around people, posers or not, the feels right.

Met up with S at Nite Lite tonight, good to see and talk. J at squid expressed appreciation for the night spent venting at our house.

Talking seems to be the ultimate distration for my mind. Will try to ride tomorrow, despite everything, to see friends.

Want a tattoo now that simply says “love” to remind me that it’s still worth it, despite.

Despite feeling flattered, there’s still something missing, oh, time.

Well it might be one of the only ways to process it all the way, so fuck it. I mean, if it works, then thats what works.

Fuck it.

xkcd is full of awesome. I’ve been flipping through it remembering old comics that I identify with. Must. Not. Do. Anything. Stupid.

You know what? I suddenly realize I identify with a lot. That’s nice. Go me.

I don’t know if there’s time
but you’re always on my mind
oh it’s driving me insane
and I keep thinking of that night
and always wondering if I might
ever see you again

Tonights tickets haven’t been challenging enough to keep my mind distracted. So it goes. I’m too tired and strung out on coffee to wrap my head around this ruby problem. I feel… in denial, that on the other side of what I have to deal with at the moment, that I don’t get to go home to L and simply be. With nothing needing to be said, or done, or expected. It feels… sad. I feel like I’m explaining to a child inside me how the dog has gone to live on a farm in the country.

Yeah. That’s probably enough, gotta catch some rest.

her foot outstretched
grinning abashedly in the sun
heart goes deeper still