NASCAR announced that a Toyota Camry hybrid would be the pace car for the Coca-Cola 600 at Lowe’s Motor Speedway next month. “I’d prefer a stock car, knowing how exciting it is to hear the engine roar,” said driver Denny Hamlin, “but I think NASCAR drivers are embracing the green outlook of hybrids.”

Man. Really? Get me out of here.

In a cruel twist of bioengineering, the romantic craving actually gets more intense post-dumping.

It’s pretty interesting stuff, actually.

T: How do you really feel about driving to montana tonight? Serio. I have government money and J on board
B: Haha. For how long? I have a job, remember.
T: Um a week?
B: I can’t really ask for vacation time at 2am.

You know though, leaving the state for a few days sounds like a pretty good idea right now. Maybe the coffee isn’t working.

And like I really deserve a chance to,
Sit across the table,
And tell you that I think you’re wonderful.
And I think you’re something special.
I guess this is my only chance to,
Say I wish I knew you,
Because I’m sure you’re wonderful,
If I’d get to know you

I deserve this, or did it to myself or something. But I absolutely didn’t need to hear this song. Thanks iTunes. I have a deadline today. But now I just.  Christ.

Found on facebook, which is funny. (S told me today, “I think you and I have different definitions of funny”)

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.

Because it is a beautiful experience, remember?

I haven’t listened to Iris in years. I picked up a some kids hitching across Maine from the end of the rail in Jackman to Cherryfield once. I was listening to this song, and the girl riding in front with me turned it up. This made me happy. So much changes, but some things never do.

What a night. You can probably tell from the random posts that make little sense due to lack of context and use of completely wrong words. I don’t even remember where the last one came from, I’m still piecing bits together. I bet it was because M said something like that once, about how she dated me for who I could be. I have no idea why I would have said that. I woke up with this typed out in an unpublished post:

A fifth of Jack with J to finish off the night with falafel and tales of adventure;.

A lot was said, and I’m glad we could be there for each other.

So, obviously, not drinking was a failure. Talked last night about how it always seemed stupid when jocks punched walls when their girlfriends upset them in high school. But then, you know, the emotions totally give you all this shit inside of you, I can’t find the words for it, but you want to hit something. And yup, it’s stupid. Learning is hard. Or as I said on Okcupid (holy shit, remember okcupid? That was soooo long ago), “growing up is hard. hrmf.”

C at the market asked how my day was, to which I responded “That’s sort of a loaded question.” How do you say, “my girlfriend dumped me and it totally wrecked me.” Oh, yeah, just like that.

Work beckons.

I was certainly much happier then, than I am now.

“I don’t love you for what you are, but I love you got what you could be”

3/4 of a 1/5th with J, looking at a photo of an ex. Talking about making paper-mache hearts. oh love.

I woke up from a bit of a nap, considered trying to stay asleep but failed. Per usual, I immediately checked my email to see if L had written me. God I miss her so much.

J was telling me about an uncle whose wife left after having four kids together, and how he never changed the house because he still believed she would come back. Dad told me today that he was impressed by my social skills out here, and that maybe I’d find someone better. I’m tempted to be cynical in both circumstances.

Sadness has me gripped pretty well right now. I don’t really want to go out and drink as a distraction. Mostly I want to sleep, but that’s not going to happen because of the heartache. I’m trying to not drink still, my mind is scattered and I have trouble maintaining focus for even a few minutes on anything mental.

I was talking to J about feeling like everything you do and say is ruining your chances of being happy with your person. I feel like everything I do drives L further away from me, which matters because my heart isn’t letting go any time soon. You tear yourself feeling like you don’t know what’s going to happen, but even if you’re really told, I guess the hurt fights back.

I guess another person asked if they should be worried about me. I’m still not sure what that means. I know it’s an expression of concern, but it always sounds less like, “I’m going to give Bryan a hug and see if he wants to talk because he’s probably feeling pretty emotionally hurt and alone right now” and more like “Do we need to have an intervention and have him hospitalized to keep him from hurting himself?” Which, you know, I have the benefit of being an asshole and being okay with it, but with the sarcasm removed that’s sort of what I’m saying.

G asked me who L was and I sort of waved it off. I regretted it afterwards, because it didn’t seem right to end a conversation where someone was actually asking about me, but I decided it was, in the end, not a “how are you?” question, but more of a unsubstantial question about who I was dating. I don’t blame her, but it’s not really the conversation I want to have. I mean, does it matter who L is? *indulge* *indulge* *whine*. L is a great person who I care about deeply who decided that being a part of my life was too much guilt and burden to bear in consideration of the rest of her life. And that’s fine, whatever, you can’t do anything about that.

Which isn’t to say that I didn’t try. Sometimes emotionally charged. Like J and I discussed sometimes you try to stand back and give space. I feel like I failed at communicating both my feelings and my expectations completely because of how it turned out. I have to remind myself it was her choice and that I couldn’t have done anything about it.

Struggling with wanting to go out, but reluctant to go drinking, and when I think of going out to eat I realize I’m not going to be any more distracted that way. It’s like, grin and bear it, but it’s a hollow pain, not a sharp one.
G: who’s leah?

47 miles from the farm in Olympia to the Vashon dock in Tacoma. Olympia was nice, as well as out around the fort. Kind of a bore otherwise. Got lost for 45-60m in Tacoma trying to stay off the main roads. I met a cool old squid and road with him for a while in Tacoma after he gave me a thumbs up for catching up with him. Two hours from Oly to Steilacoom, about 45 minutes to Tacoma, then a lot of time spent lost getting through it. Riding alone the shore and looking at the Olympics was just amazing and must be repeated. The narrows bridge looked pretty cool from up on the hill too.

About an hour across Vashon sticking on the highway. That was just an exercise in climbing hills. 13 miles. Pretty, except I was mostly focusing on not having a heart attack on the hills. A more casual route when not trying to get home right away would be better. Should take the WHa(?) out there one of these weekends I’m not on a bike trip. Hopefully there’ll be one before the end of the summer.

Then about 9 miles from Fauntleroy back to Georgetown. Came within a foot of getting by a car looking left while making a right turn on red when I was on the path. That was good for the old blood flow. Saw the bike sabbath kids at the north end of the Duwamish trail too, but had plans to meet Mom and Tori for food at Squid. That was about a half hour.

So I guess that’s just shy of 70 miles, which isn’t much more than the 63 coming down on the other side. Mom said not very many people biked back anyway, so I’m glad I took a different route, got to see some new places, and could go full bore with little regrets. Seven hours, including an hour long lunch, the two ferry rides (bout 40 minutes total) and getting lost in Tacoma. That makes, uhh, 4.5 hours travel time or so, which wasn’t bad at all for the IRO.

I think it took us six hours including stops to do the 63 miles as a group down the other side yesterday. This was basically Bremerton, including the Belfair Valley Road (detour suggest by Brandon) to Belfair, then south on WA3 to US101, taking side roads starting at the intersection of US101 and WA8 to add a little fun.

I failed to find a working hose at Squid, so I ran home for some ice cream. Next time I need to bring heavier sunscreen, the spray works fine when I’m not out in the sun for six hours but I’m a little warm. Now I’m going to try to squeeze in a nap before going out to lament loving and it not working with J.