I’ve been calling Mom a lot lately with nowhere left to turn. Combined with the bruised ribs and related soreness, anxiety built up again today. Hello there again. Dating felt weird. I talk about my first date with L for a while. Mom says that I’m still not over L, and everyone is going to be in her shadow until I am.

We talk about M, and how I finally came to hold M accountable for what she did to me, and leveraged that to move on. I have to acknowledge, against my stubborn and biased heart, the similarities between the situations. I’m very reluctant to believe someone with much heart and empathy can act so selfishly with so much disregard for what it will do to me. She’s right though. I’ve been here before. It’s my reckless trust that is so deeply ingrained in me, my love, that keeps blinding me to this reality. L specifically said that she was doing what was best for her, not for me, or for us. It doesn’t get any more clearly selfish than that. I should let myself hold her accountable for her hand in everything that’s happened.

Home. The trip was awesome, and would have been perfect if not for matters of the heart. Finally we made it back to Georgetown. We met back up and went to Squid for a bit of a return party. It was great to see most of my Georgetown friends at once and hang out as soon as we returned.

On the long drive back I was frustrated enough I called Mom just to have someone to say the same things to again, that they’ve already heard, that I’m tired of saying over and over again and feeling bad about. She brought up the lack of closure being a problem, and I’m brainstorming again how to produce that myself since I’m alone in this [because of L, not because I lack great friends].

At some point, when I’m feeling down enough again that I have to write it off, I’ll go back to my notes and relay all of that. It doesn’t matter at the moment. I have a few more days off and I’ll probably take them that way to run some errands and be around friends some more.

I won’t be riding tonight. I don’t want to see L if she doesn’t want to see me. That’s too much.

Photos are being batch converted from raw to jpeg now, and I’ll flip through them and get them on flickr. I picked up a Tamron 10-24 before the trip and had a lot of fun without. There’ll be some amazing photos in there so it’s worth the wait.

stayed at uncle mark’s cabin, pretty valley. took some time to relax. walked around the area and watched a movie.

got up late and drove out to Libby and checked out the Kootenai falls and the swinging bridge. Headed to Thompson falls for a cup of coffee with my great aunt and uncle, then over the pass for the long haul home.

Checking my email ever hour to see if L misses me yet paid off with an email warning she’s riding tomorrow. eight hours of driving straight missing her, fail. Talked to mom for a while about, gotta just keep doing what I’m doing.

At least I’m home drinking among Georgetown friends!

Helena was extremely quiet, so we walked out to the railroad crossover on the edge of downtown. A different route back got u a bit off course, but we made it back to the truck eventually. Spent the night camped out in an old fire tower.

Got up and back to the truck without trouble and headed north in search of a place to camp. Ended up in Glacier National Park, but most of the roads were still closed. We camped by the lake and drank in the woods instead of the city for a change.

Day five is starting in Kalispell, will likely head to Tori’s uncle’s cabin outside of town shortly and spend the rest of the day hanging out by the lake.

I got a lot of sleep, taking naps at the park. My chest still hurts a bit and I’m not sure why.

There’s a center for restorative justice here in town. Of course this reminds me of L. Making more conscious efforts to move on, but sad knowing I’m going to have to keep carrying this regardless. I worry about that, I guess you just have to own that.

Burned out from two packed days, but still got a lot in. We went to the Lewis and Clark caves in the morning. Of the caves I’ve been to, this was the most fun. Then north to the “ghost town” of Elkhorn, now wandering the streets of Helena, having a hard time finding much open tonight.

Camped in the back of a dump truck along the tracks last night. We’ll see how tonight goes.

The sleep deprivation made it hard to not think about L when driving. I took notes from my thoughts, but I don’t have the time for that now. Feeling hurt sucks. Thinking about breaking up with M and finally being willing to hold the things that she did that hurt me against her, I wonder if that will help with L. Her guilt about my feelings and the equality of our relationship isn’t anything she had the time to be distracted by, with a relationship and me being low on her list of priorities. That’s all very lame, and holding it against her may help me feel better. All the same, my brain and heart are at odds usualy.

Heart: I miss L
Brain: Yeah, she is an incredible person.
H: *cry*
B: Grow up wuss, go meet a new girl.
H: You’re not that tough yourself.
B: Shuttup.

On that note, I’m going to start dating again. It’s probably too early, but whatever.

Breakfast in town, Yellowstone for a bit, Big Sky turned out to be recently developed, (our guide was 8 years out of date), so we ended up in Belgrade.

After some bars and some hassle from the local cops for using a dumpster in a ‘closed’ park (10 feet from the road) (glad they didn’t realize I shit in that bag), we’ve set up camp in the back of a dump truck on the tracks. Hopefully we’ll wake up still here.

Finally arrived in Bozeman. Sitting at an abandonded rail terminal along the tracks drinking beer.

In an effort to not want someone I can’t have, I’m actively reminding myself that L chose to remove me from her life without any interest in keeping the good things I have to offer. This was shorter in my head. That is, I wasn’t valuable enough to try. Bullshit rationalization probably doesn’t really help, but I should probably let myself believe in it.

So moving on, using being left as a reason to move on, despite my feelings.

Talking to D, she really liked my comment about my heart disagreeing and “being all hearty”.

It smells like burned down buildings here. It’s a disturbing smell.

Getting ready to leave, check the oil in the truck, pull the hood release and it pulls right out. Great.

Cut a hole in the grille to get my hand in there. Fumble around and get the hood open. Replace cable with a foot long piece of bicycle brake cable that you can open from the front. And we’re on the road.

Plans for Montana are shaping up. Exciting.

Also, looks like I’m the “official tanker driver” for toorcamp. Having a big truck and a commercial drivers license comes in handy, no?

So it looks like I’m going to leave town towards the end of the week and head to Montana with T & J. I’m excited to get out of town. I’ve been getting some work done, and feeling less distraught, but it makes me think I can think about L and not be upset. This is pretty quickly proven untrue. So I’m getting out of the state on an adventure. It’s been a while, and I’m sad that L won’t be coming, ever. But adventures matter because they’re full of the unexpected, so back to living and seeing what happens.

I’ll be missing some bike camping, which is sad, but I can’t do everything. Plus I don’t want to be around Seattle for West Side because it just reminds me of L. Bleh.

I met up with a bunch of Chef related people for drinks tonight. This was really good, in a number of ways. Chef is so exciting.