For those just joining us, original problem, voltage gauge on the dash of a 1993 K2500 (4×4 3/4ton) Suburban showed a solidly low voltage, around 10V when running while both battery posts on the battery isolator showed a good 12V with the engine off and 14V with the engine running, as well as the alternator post.

The isolator and second electrical system are additions that I added for touring, mostly for running the electric cooler over long periods without running down the engine battery.

For those involved in the general debugging conversations:

I moved both battery systems and the alternator to the same post on the isolator to rule it out, no change.

NAPA didn’t sell alternator diodes alone and a voltage rectifier rebuild/repair kit was nearly the cost of a new alternator, so I saved myself the trouble and went with the latter. This unfortunately didn’t solve the problem. I should pull it and return it, but I don’t think the time is worth it. I debating keeping the old one as a spare and eating the core charge.

I took some jumper cables from the ground post on the engine block to the body inside the engine compartment. The voltage on the dash returned to near normal and I saw the newly installed ammeter show a reading, obviously charging the batteries. Bad ground.

I went for the low hanging fruit first and pulled the battery ground attached to the negative engine battery terminal that goes right to the passenger side fender. I took a steel brush to the fender, and the contacts, tightened it up good, and retightened the battery posts for good measure.

Problem solved.

I should add another ground strap, I thought I had one, but I’m not going to put more effort into this project unless the symptoms return.

as far as naps go, that may have been the most amazing ever. Woke up to:

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

Thanks.

Holy fucking crap, I forgot the awesomeness of talking to a professional counselor. I talk to a lot of people about my feelings, so I’m not sure where the magic actually lies. Perhaps it’s in telling your story to someone who holds no stake in your life (other than being their customer), or that they’ve heard a lot of stories and can shift through the bullshit. There really is nothing like telling a counselor a handful of stories and watching them piece them together and say, “that’s what she did to you though.” as you stop and the light bulb joins you too.

I almost felt happy enough to go join the .83 pre-funk, but based on more people in that group actively marginalizing my feelings than not, I still decided to stick to my earlier plan to stick around the people in my life that actively care [as opposed to saying that they do].

So two major positive accomplishments today. I feel pretty good about it. So good in fact, I think I can take a nap without feeling like something worth missing, is.

Me: I’m incredibly despressed, given, but, somehow I’m still positive? I don’t know how to say that.
E: You just did.

Talking about the Montana trip I came up with the notion of an emotional glass ceiling. I’m still circling that idea, poking it with a stick. Maybe I should try waterboarding it.

Got this email this morning:

So I went over and over with myself, wondering if I should send you this message. I discussed the other day with T that it feels weird when I talk to you and it doesn’t involve a near endless string of insults and fake hatred. I hope this doesn’t come off as weird as my self conscious inner child says it is.

If there’s anything that has been beat into me from listening to a bunch of songs about relationships and heart break recently, it’s that we’re all trying to figure out our feelings (or most of us at least, maybe some of us have already traded feelings for strippers). I happen to write whatever I’m thinking about at the time in a public forum that other people can read. I hope that friends, or people that want to be friends, or even just the curious, will then ask me about what I said, how I was feeling, relate, etcetera. Unfortunately there’s only a handful of people that do, but it’s worth it. Because touching each other’s lives is important.

It’s important to underscore that the things that I write may not be what I really think, or how I feel. Sometimes there isn’t someone to talk to at 2am. Sometimes the person you should be talking to isn’t interested in talking to you. Sometimes you just need to see something stupid written down so you can think about it. Anyone who holds something I thought in the past against me without talking to me about it now is pretty foolish. I get that this happens naturally, sure, but growth happens, and having to be afraid to speak our minds only hinders that.

I’d be really stoked if any of you wanted to go get a cup of coffee and talk about anything I’ve said here. Call me.

From High Fidelity:

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

where’s the flickr option to hide my own hidden photos from myself as well? I need time capsule mode or something. “Do not display until ….”

This would probably be a lot easier if I stopped running into L all over the internet all happy and without concern for me. If I didn’t work on the internet, I think I’d move back to Maine and live in the woods for six months or so right now.

thinking about screenprinting for a couple projects, and I got thinking again about needing xkcd patches.

They do have signed prints, which is rad. I should pick up growing up for the room. I went back and looked at jealousy as it was in the list of available prints and liked this quote, emphasis added.

That experience, connecting with a stranger and falling recklessly in love, is one of life’s greatest joys.

Saw Up with Mom, Tori, her sister, brother in law, and nieces. Holy crap that was sweet. I’m totally a romantic. I’m not sure if it’s feeling depressed, or some other product of breaking up with L, but it’s probably worse (better?) than ever. Now I just need to find someone to share it with.

Working on bikes in the garage, talking to passer-bys about bikes in the alley. Got over to Bike So Good today too.

Still fighting that emotional glass ceiling.

D took me to see Icons Among Us at SIFF tonight. Her uncle directed/something/made it/chromatographed, with others. This was simply amazing. There’s a preview on youtube, but I don’t know it really captures it well. The documentary captures that music is about humanity and emotion, and that jazz is larger than using a genre as a label allows to be conveyed. I spent the entirety of the movie on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes from being moved by the interviews. Granted this is likely due to how strongly I feel, but still.

I tried to repay her with a Blood Squad show. It was great to see them again, they’re always a riot. Fun night though. Dating continues to be weird. D asked me if I felt I was ready to date again. I said not really, but I have to keep trying to do what I think is right even if I don’t necessarily feel it.

It’s nice to get out, meet new people, do some new things. I still blame depression for the glass emotional ceiling. Or maybe L. Whatever. Not that it matters to her.

Woke up recently pretty bothered by L + the internet + the reminder that my feelings are met with indifference the other day which spawned a facebook status, to which D replied “… go get drunk and hit a strip club or something…” Fortunately the thread got reined back in with some caring people out there, including some love from Denny in regard to his love of dongs. Una provided a choice Orwell quote:

The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, than one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one’s love upon other human individuals.

Which serves to underline that I fear not becoming jaded because of L, I’m simply disappointed and hurt by her and finding ways to live with that. I commented in the previously mentioned thread that “The cost of not becoming jaded and thinking that I can replace feelings with strippers is that I sometimes have to live with a heavy heart that I can’t reason away by blaming others or myself.”

In discussions with Mom in the past about my heart she’s said that she’d rather live with too many feelings than too few. I like feeling, and being a caring human being. If anything I’d rather have more empathy towards others than less. I regularly spend time thinking about my actions and my feelings. I consider this essential to growth.

With a bit of spite, no, I disagree and say that the ends do not justify the means. My heart has faith in the human spirit, and in turn I have faith in my heart. This has to come first, always. My personal achievements do not compare to the lives that I touch.

D said it’s understandable that L would end a relationship if overwhelmed. I disagreed, but it is all a matter of priorities. I feel like ballast that was ejected in fear. Which makes sense I guess in respect to her history and fears. If you remove the cause of your guilt, you don’t have to feel guilty any more because it isn’t there to remind you.