Author Archives: btm

poke and observe

Mom gave me a book recently written about The Community School, an alternative high school that she graduated from, called Changing Lives. The book came out fifteen years ago, and from the chapter on my mother I was around ten when it was written.

Reading the chapter about my mother is interesting, but I was mostly struck by the Forward. I’d like to quote the whole thing, but I’ll hold short with the first paragraph.

I realized recently that we weep with joy at our children’s weddings — even after we have outgrown fairy tales — because we long to believe there will be someone there for them when we no longer are. Someone to kiss away the bruises, to stand up for them to nurse them when they are ill and defenseless. Yet we know better; what they really need is the competences and the will to overcome.

I was raised to figure life out for myself, and so I have. There was much doubt in my youth that this was an appropriate way to raise a child. Despite all of the tragedy, the ups and downs life throws at you, I persevered and I’m a more competent person for it. There’s no sense in arguing the course, I turned out pretty all-right.

What shines through is that they have developed the habit of being unsentimentally reflective. Their inward look includes a startling willingness to take responsibility for their own lives. There is no hint of grievance-collecting, not a whiney tone in the lot, not even a legitimate sense of self-pity! They have a past to tell about and a way of thinking it over that does not lack for psychological insight. Their way of putting the pieces together gives them strength, endurance, and a confidence that they’ll resurface if they hold on to two unshakable beliefs: the power of intelligent thought and the importance of being responsible.

“There was an environment…that nurtured self-thought,” says Pat. “I had much more freedom…but with…responsibility. What you do not only affects yourself but other people — thats the big thing I learned.” She acknowledges the toughness but also the need to “take what you are given and mold it into something that makes you happy.”

And so it goes, and so I’m trying to take what I’m given and find that happiness in it. Carefully, but, without the hindrance of too much fear.

bryan mclellan, plaintiff

Defendant’s first set of interrogatories and requests for production of documents to plaintiff

*sigh* I’ve never been a plaintiff before. New experiences aren’t always life enriching.

Every once in a while when I’m thinking about how dating is difficult I have to remind myself that most people actually don’t. Another one of those activities that I think I’m a fool at until I look around and realize my peers aren’t really trying.

Lots of meetings of the lonely hearts clubs it seems lately. It’s good to talk to these people. Mostly I have been getting some raised eyebrows and reminders to be careful. There’s a little bit of talk of violence on my behalf, perhaps only somewhat sarcastically, as well. I’ll sum that all up in a quote you may recognize,

She still has the advantage over us.
Everyone always does. That’s what makes us special

not listening

I have to consciously question my motivations and what exactly I mean to gain when I feel like people in my life misunderstand me because they fail to try to communicate and understand. As I further separate my choices as coming from my heart or my mind, isolate fears, accept them, identify where others are willing to go and not, their own motivations, oh, and well, everything else. It, feels, unfortunate, that I have had to write off so many people because of this. I suppose it makes me sad.

In the end, I love the rest of you. Thanks for being humble and vulnerable.

on writing

I’ve had to consciously change a few habits lately. Most relevant, writing here from my heart has been suspended because there’s simply too much drama unfolding in every part of my life right now. I won’t name these places. Ry sent me this about feelings and writing, it’s worth a read.

I was talking to Jarrod last night about “complicated” and he said, that he’s fine with complicated, because complicated just means you need to think before you talk and act and that’s a good thing. That man gets a cookie. I’ve had a couple conversations with folks from the ‘hood over the last few weeks about drinking tattoos, having “why not?”, “don’t do it”, “go home” tattooed on your index finger so you can see when you take the next drink. “Think” might make a good motto. Which, in the midst of so much drama, “think: who am I going to hurt by what I’m about to say or do, and am I selfish enough that this hurt is how I want my life characterized”. I know a lot of people that I think would blow this off, or find justification in “just having fun” or something similar.

I can’t escape some things that make coping with depression really hard. I’ve tried to draw some firm boundaries and remove destructive people from my life, but I’m not living in the woods. It’s not entirely possible. Mostly I’m finding better people and embracing them.

I got an email from a date today that expressed our date was abysmal and not to email her again. Sometimes I need that reminder of how different people are, but I’m pretty sure I have enough of it right now too.

weeks end

Ry saw my last post and came by to help me work out the suburban’s latest electrical problem. Turned out to have a bad splice in addition to the grounding problem. Charging up the batteries and we should be in pretty good shape now.

The day was filled with anger and frustration. These aren’t familiar feelings to me. It’s pretty annoying that my depression keeps me from being ultimately happy, but is totally cool with letting me be angry. If it’s going to strip me of positive emotions, you’d think it could take a few of the bad ones with it.

After a lot of stammering, wrenching, pacing, and biking, all in spurts based on what seemed best at the moment to let out some energy, the day started to conclude, I calmed down, and got some untainted thought in. Some chatter with mother brought us to agreement that I’m being dealt a rigged hand. There’s nobody at this table that is interested in talking about it so I can play along or get up and leave. Insofar as the analogy applies, I’m choosing the latter, which basically amounts to letting it go and not trying any longer to get anything worthwhile out of the situation.

I got the 3-speed back together, although I couldn’t find the official diagram for mounting a Sturmey-Archer hub. She rolls again. Mom bought an Electra Townie at the LBS in Eatonville, so she has a bike down there now and the pressure to get this one 100% perfect was relaxed a bit. I got the blue Schwinn back together as well, whose rear wheel was being used as a crutch on the 3-speed until I got the very specific rare parts in and the time to fix it. It’s all tuned, although it’s still on rear wheels and the freewheel sticks a little causing a bit of chainslap. Mostly the steel wheels are crap and should go, but this bike is rarely ridding since nobody in my house needs such a small bike, so it sits. I got this silly little Honda Prodigy fixed. Who knows what to do with it. It’ll probably be a silly bike for riding around the neighborhood like the Dahon.

What else. I don’t know. Depression sucks. People making it harder suck too.

Point83

I’ve been thinking for a few days and talking to Monica about not riding with .83 anymore. On that note, I have to give her a truckload of credit for being a standup friend and there for me when it may not be easy for her. I’ve stopped to think a few times about who has been willing to talk/listen and who hasn’t, along with what the cost is to them and each time I leave that thought impressed with her.

Recently I went through google reader and removed a couple feeds to sites that were just serving to upset me. Point83 was one of them. I made a post about this a while ago, realtively out of context, that started sort of a shitstorm of emails that gave me the best closure I’m going to get to my past relationship. So it wasn’t all terrible, insofar as I have a couple talk-terminating-cliches to drop now when people ask me what happened.

So I’ve been thinking about the people that trivialize my feelings and those who have been unable to deal with my feelings, how they’ve responded, by saying so, or by running away. I’ve been reevaluating which people in my life are worth my efforts and it’s lead me a bit to remember that I have more decent friends and hobbies than I have time and that I should probably shed a few of them.

Point83 in particular has a few people I don’t want to see right now. So if you don’t see me around, you should be able to find me elsewhere with little effort (the internet is always a good place to start) if you want to.