Perhaps there comes a point when you’ve transcended busy and are instead “regularly engaged”? I’ve thought a bit about my sleep patterns and when I’ve been sleeping less it makes not much difference. The balance of thought and sleep don’t sway much. Even sharing a bed with someone doesn’t seem to add a whole lot to the deepness of sleep. So I think everything is normal, sleepwise.

I just sent an email to folks in the Portland office (I had to double check that I posted that we were acquired) about coming down there for a visit. Then I remembered there is a bike to be built before the downhill, and of course the downhill. Plus a couple people I’ve said “we should hang out this week” to. Christ. What was I thinking?

Awesome day taking the canoe up river (Duwamish/Green) to Tukwila with Meg. A little swimming, the hilarious regular taco bell stop, and a lot of great, meaningful conversation. Again, I’m so fucking appreciative of the friends that take the time to share their life with me.

Yesterday was moving day, as I helped a couple friends move. After dark I ended up with friends at a benefit in an underground industrial space in the ID. There was a tree hanging from the ceiling with headphones hanging from it that appeared should have been playing something. At one point a giant stuff something was violently torn apart by the crowd. Bikes were all about, but overall the scene felt quite mixed. I only saw a handful of people I recognized and even then they were from disparate scenes. Music was good. Which reminds me that I saw another rad show at Chop Suey, “Quintron & Miss Pussycat” last week. Life seems to be changing again socially, and I happy for it.

Speaking of change, holy fuck it’s nice to think, grow, and change. Best part of so much deep conversations with people lately? I’m super at terms and confident about so much.

It’s interesting to view rejection from the perspective of “fight or flight”. Comfort can make it easy to stay in a rut, or make choices that anxiety or other fear may otherwise inhibit.

On one hand I feel like I’ve made a number of choices that make my life incredibly complicated, on the other, I feel alright about that.

Still, affirmation holds higher value than it deserves.

“I still think you are an alcoholic”

“I’m taking care of Danny, and he’s taking care of me”

“the kids in Georgetown call you ‘really really nice Bryan'”

“My, this is going to be a blast!”

“The White Stripes are like a flat Led Zeppelin”

“You are really difficult to read in a group”

All in all, I’ve found I’m pretty lost, but comfortable with that. All you have to do is take the time to talk.

It was announced yesterday that Widemile (where I work) has been acquired by Webtrends (PDX). I’m not going anywhere, life continues on. Should present some new opportunities for my one man operations department. Needless to say this has completely changed my work plans this week.

The SBMF volunteer meeting went well, despite a few dropouts due to the heat. That’s all exciting.

I don’t even know. A ton has happened. Rode with .83 last night, wanted to see people, had a lot on my heart and my mind. Drank enough to stick around and go swimming, which ended up good because I had a good time going to a show and hanging out with a friend after as well.

“Haven’t seen you in a while” says the coffee girl in the building. Yeah, I get a cup at All City on my way out of Georgetown these days (oh right, there’s that too, and stickers!). So OSBridge was rad, Toorcamp was rad, OSCon was rad, which means Portland, the desert in Eastern Washington, and SJC/SFO were all rad respectively. Lots of bikes, friends, and good conversation have been happening.

Looking forward to the Dead Baby Downhill, have cool plans for that too with Divide. Then back to the grind for SBMF I think? Who knows what else is to come, I can’t even keep track of what’s already happened.

At what point does owning who you are cross the line into being unwilling to take responsibility for your own growth?

[and generally avoiding responsibility, because, you know, life is hard, and you’re fine without it?]

“Yearned for, dreamed about, and, for the fortunate, reveled in, limerance inspires even ordinary persons to verbal excess.”

Gilly, you’re awesome. Thanks!

Do you describe yourself by who you are or what you do?

What personality trait do you want people to associate with you? Why?

“we should talk”

Holy fucking crap, it just hit me like a brick shithouse how awesome it would be someone said that to me. Not in the stereotype way of it being synonomous with “we should breakup”, but in the way that’s “I want to talk about what I think and feel”.

In the course of thinking about value, and being valued, or specifically not, this makes me wax sentimental over the vulnerable ones.

Dad explaining to his parents why I didn’t fly to San Jose: “knowing Bryan he probably showed up with his bike, backpack and his laptop.”

I’m glad he gets it.

On the Coast Starlight headed north for the PNW. I finally got tethering working in Linux, so I have internet at least until we get out into the mountains again. I’m pretty sure Ubuntu Jaunty helped a lot, I just had to setup resolv.conf.

I’m happy about everything now, and excited about the future. I’m a little regretful about the past. I’ve never considered myself a regretful person. Upon thought, the whole idea that one should never be regretful is far too black and white, immature and idealistic. Regret teaches us much like the pain of touching the hot stove. My own vulnerability made me mistread. That’s okay. I can live with that.

I wish I had some way to visualize my journals and my writings over the last ten years. While I wrote recently about how time doesn’t change anything on it’s own, it gives us a certain amount of perception, and angle upon which to peak other than that of the present. Perhaps because I just wrote a cathartic email, I feel good. Most of all, I’ve been facing some fears and while they don’t always not hurt, it is the right choice.