Today was a particularly sad day. I got a phone call from Tori though, and it was wonderful to get to chat with her again. I spent most the day putzing around the garage building up the second version of my CX bike, including a bit of welding tomfoolery. Otherwise, toiled around the neighborhood with mom, and a bit of a trip uphill to spend some quality time with a friend and be close to someone.

Before the rough bought of introspection, last night was awesome. I look slightly less grossly middle aged in that attire compared to the ones from Rogelio’s birthday party.

Cross race tomorrow, gotta get some sleep. Maybe a Portland trip coming up early this week for a meeting or two at HQ.

It’s been a while since I rode back from the UD wet. A very specific while.

I’ve been trying, and I’m just disappointed all the way around. I’m starting to lose hope.

At least I have some warm comforters to keep me company and about 40 and 25 miles in each of the last two days respectively to build up some need for some sleep. I got called a machine tonight IRT biking due to my uphill sheninages yesterday. I usually get called that by tech people who can appreciate what I do.

The sheer number of people I’ve been dating this summer makes me sad.

I’ve been making some efforts to confront prejudices lately and let people speak for themselves. It’s been enlightening all in all. Lots of hills, miles, booze, and some hugs. The hugs make me happy.

A distant friend asked me what I’m afraid of. Hurting someone, or getting hurt.

I’ve been talking to her about that, and we’ve both agreed that I can’t be afraid of battles that are only manifestations.

All the same, this sounded awfully familiar.

I keep reconfiguring the cross bike. I’m going to move everything from the 63cm Schwinn Sprint frame to one of the two 58cm Schwinn World Sport frames I have. That should be a much better size. The STIs are better than the barcons, and I’m happy with the bars, but something still isn’t perfect. I have some Hutchinson Bulldogs on order. They’re about 34mm I think. After I space the World Sport for a 135mm rear, we’ll have to see how these fit. It might work okay, since the Bulldog’s lack much side tread.

Some introspection was catalyzed recently by a profile I stumbled across, which became the majority of the conversation today with the counselor, and ended with some interesting conclusions about the emotional unavailablity of the majority of my ex-partners. This train of thought has been somewhat emotionally distracting and exhausting. I see only goodness in exploring it further and leaving the bygones behind. One step cautiously forward to see what is there, while acknowledging that the past disappears gangloiers style with each moment.

Continuing funny Smarty Pants bar tabs, Jason always enters me as ‘dude’.

Talking to a friend about having done okay at the sprints, she says, “of course you did, you’re good at everything you do”. Well, you haven’t seen me dance apparently, but I’ll take that.

Forgot to check my personal email until about 5pm today, what a crazy day.

I think I’m starting to be willing to trust my heart to someone else again. Maybe I’m just cynical. It’s a toss up. Maybe I’ll just keep flirting for a decade or so. Depends on who you are, I’m sure.

Still tired. Long day. Need to not buy coffee at All City one of these mornings and sprint in, see how that feels.

Divide finally got his photos up of the contraption that we built for the downhill. Carnage pictures too: here, here and here.

First cross race complete. I think my muscles held up much better than my lungs. I got a chest cramp about three laps in, Mom guessed we did seven laps of probably 1.75mi or so. Maybe when the results are posted online we’ll get more information. I placed about 47th of 60 or so that appeared to finish in my category. According to the last results I saw I was second to the last person who wasn’t lapped, but Mom was sure otherwise. No matter though, I did pretty well for my first cross experience.

I ran into a new Cross friend after my race and she asked how I liked the clinic on Saturday. When I told her I didn’t make it because I was out friday night drinking at bike parties and too hung over to do much Saturday, she said “I like the way you race”.

A friend saw me and contemplated yelling “Go Beardo!“, which is awesome.

Because I bought a season pass and showed up to the kick-off party right on time, I ended up with bib #1 for the season. It’s been a great conversation starter as people ask me about it. The best was today when a woman yelled “hey number #1” from her car, and wend I turned around she apologized for having her pants down and being half naked whilst changing.

Besides Bike Sabbath, Meg and Colin road out separately, although no one made it out early enough to see me race it was nice that they came.

I road back with Bike Sabbath to around Eastlake and continued home from there alone. With another 20+ miles tacked on and not a great sleep last night, I’m definitely pooped now. I’m sort of fighting to keep distracted to not go to sleep this early and wake up at three or four.

Bar end shifters are definitely all but worthless. I need to swap them for the brifters on the Volpe. These “road cross” tires are going to be useless in the mud too. I was most uncomfortable in the woods sections I think, maybe I should go down to the Colonnade or over to Pack Forest sometime. I’m also still too programmed to try to clip one foot in as I get on the bike to be able to remount that large frame that quickly. Between the two options, practicing jumping on the seat is probably cheaper than finding another frame. I can’t really afford more parts right now between building what I did and the xtracycle. So we’ll see how all that goes.

Doctor: You didn’t comb your hair
Bryan: … I never comb my hair
D: Why not?
B: … I get up and throw on a bike helmet and bike wherever I’m going, no point.

Also,
Nurse: Where do you sleep at night?
Bryan: … My house

Lately I’ve only been writing thoughts here with no adequate home elsewhere. That’s to say that I’ve been doing much more than what is written here. Mostly bikes.

Went camping with .83, and towed Liz out with a broken wrist. The xtracycle has been built on the cheap and thus has given me a bit of trouble, but it works. Also hauled a few people and bikes out. Seven, inclusive, to be exact. Doesn’t look like it on the roof rack.

Went on a .83 “dress-up” ride. Was glad to get to see people I haven’t gotten to for some time. Laughed at myself riding home at around 4am for being a bit absurd, but that’s me I guess.

Converted the Schwinn Fixed to a cyclocross bike. I’ll be riding MFG races. I’m due to break something having just gotten passed the one year anniversary of breaking my scaphoid and two year anniversary of my motorcycle accident, so here goes!

Been hanging out with different groups this summer to avoid burdening grumpypants. That emotional void has been filled by building some new good relationships. It was nice to wake up to two voicemail messages the other day thanking me for being such a good person. I went out on the Memorial Day Cargo Bike Ride. Had some issues with the xtracycle again. Four flats in a couple hours to be exact. Felt defeated, took the bike home and dumped it in the garage and went to a pie party at Monstersorri.

Oh, there’s work too. I don’t know what to say about that. I’m doing very little technical work lately, which is sort of discouraging. Still, something is getting done, right? I hope? That reminds me…

I sent myself a note from my conversations with my mother tonight about family,

If I challenge what you think it is because I value your opinion.

The internet offers some quotes to identify with:

I respond defensively only when I feel threatened.

being around defensive people can lead to one-sided conversations or emotionally draining situations

You know, I’m awfully fucking hurt by opening up my heart and getting that in return.

Talking to a friend this weekend she said,

She is willing to share her body with others but not her heart.

My jealously twitches first. I recognize it, swallow, step away. It’s all you can do.