Currently listening to: Whatever the bar is playing, including “If I go it will be trouble. If I stay it will be double.”

My memory is surely exhagerating, but I feel like J is alwaysasking me if I like her, or what she represents. Started watching “Adventureland” under the impression it was cute, but got turn to shreds for so many reasons. Turned it off halfway through and went to he bar, despite.

I’m convinced I should stop trying for a while, years, to step back and let someone chase me. As always, that is such an infintismal and minute part of what would make me happy. Such a naive and immature feeling.

I’m completely convinced I should trust my heart in the future, but what to do with the blackness that comes from my heart of the past?

I’m so close to having everything figured out that I used to think mattered. Upon arrival, it is all charisma and confindence. Valuable, but only skin deep. None of this is what I was looking for.

I kid about about having all of life figured out except relationships. Really though, I’m confident about all of it, or at least knowing where I stand and what the path is if I want more.

This may be the only challenge I feel is a net loss.

Time to turn in my “Sailor Jerry” chip for a free drink.

So I dealt with missing work Wednesday for Habitat by working 24 hours on Thursday. And I’ll still behind. Fun. Maybe I’ll work some this weekend. I caught up on sleep this morning and I need to eat, but I’m to put a little time into the introspection first.

All talk with J continues to be about relationships. Do we sense a trend? I’ve been thinking for a bit about how December has been stable, and how continuing to articulate those feelings contributes to that. The more I think about one relationship being only a different set of problems than another, the more I’m inclined to trust my feelings and stick to those guns. However, I have this feeling that it isn’t sustainable, but it ultimately comes from a place where I’m considering problems that haven’t happened yet, and ultimately wouldn’t for some time.

Back before I dated M but had feelings for her, I felt like they needed to be kept hidden lest I date someone who would feel jealous of them. Ironic. Now I worry about when I’ll stop having such strong feelings for M, despite never seeing her. Probably a year. What to do until then? There’s no outlet for that really, I’ve tried a lot. Instead, I keep moving along. It’s all stable, but I’m still concerned about something in the back of my mind.

Some day I’ll learn that drinking coffee when you’re tired, but you expect to go to sleep soon, is a bad idea. It always results in me passing out, then waking up fifteen to sixty minutes later wide awake. Yeah, I know that’s a trick and all, but I wanted to sleep more.

I just realized I’m squeezing in: a really busy week of work, a half day online conference, a day off to be spent working at Habitat again, probably two bike rides including a night of karaoke at Squid, and one dinner with a friend in exchange for bike mechanic-ry. So Far. Is it Monday yet?

This past week feels epic in the “how did it all fit?” department. Maybe its because I’m back in old drinkey habits. Sort of. That’s just my excuse for Saturday morning’s post. Friday brought getting hit by a car, and two crashes on ice. No bike damage, but I’ve got scrapes and bruises up both sides and a smashed pager to show for it. The bianchi volpe xtracycle definitely has too much frame flex for icy conditions.

Saturday brought a .83 calendar photo shoot and with it the most provocative photo of me on the internet to date. Good times.You can currently preorder a Men of Point83 calendar. There’s a few camera phone photos and whatnot floating around the internet, mostly on facebook. I expect we won’t see the bulk of what was taken until after the calendar ships so people will buy it.

I had a really good conversation with A later Saturday night and feel relieved and comfortable with the result. She asked me where I learned to communicate, which was an interesting question that has stuck with me. I can’t help but think about M’s inability to communicate with me and running away. I wonder how many [more] years it will be until that doesn’t bug me any longer. Until that really feels like water under the bridge, instead of only feeling like it should be. Ever?

Today, aka Sunday, was about 50 miles of chilly biking with Bike Sabbath from Fremont out to Vashon and back.

This past week? Shit. I forget? A bike ride or two, hanging out with A. Oh, we’re looking for a roommate for January, as Chris is moving out.

Saturday questions… I made a comment on fb recently that riding bikes is like urban hiking. I like being outdoors and being active. Riding bikes lets you see parts of the city cheaply, and actively, which makes it easy. They interesting, beautiful, simple, inexpensive beasts. I think my problem with 3am is just that it doesn’t feel like a productive time, because its right after last call so I’m often drunk, or just too tired to get anything real done. Girls, well, that I know. I want to connect. I think I’m just whining through the rest of that, playing the victim and pretending that I have it harder than I do. Fucking Lame.

Boys who don’t shampoo their hair was one of many topics of conversation today. I was told my hair looks something like “a mangy dog… a cute mangy dog.” I’m pretty sure they were trying to be nice.

I guess what’s important is that everything feels good right now, except that I don’t have enough time to go around. There are definitely worse problems to have.

why can’t I go out without finding a bike ride?

Why does 3am always feel guilty about having to work in the morning?

why do I keep doing this thing with girls?

why do the people I’m most obsessive about mean the least to my closest friends?

why do I keep liking crappy people who can’t reciprocate?

do I want good people who can reciprocate?

It feels like ages since my last post. I should start considering that a warning sign to take a day off life.

I feel like the older I get, the more compelled I am to be in a relationship, and the less I feel like it is a good idea. Perhaps the drama has been too high.. lately? Or has it always been? My cynicism still lends to the statistic reality of most relationships failing. I’m a little unhappy with admitting internal pressures are such a significant force. I think we all like to believe they aren’t, even if they always are. Like if you drill down to happiness, or feeling good about yourself, egoboo, always being at the core of every one of our actions.

I think I just need to be more honest with people about all of this, and not worry so much about the fear of disappointing others.

J and I spent some time talking about cultural, social and parental pressures to meet certain markers of success by particular times in your life today. After I finished laying out my conclusions as to why these are unlikely to apply to me, she offered that biological pressures were probably driving me. Shit.

ISO charismatic thoughtful alternative passionate partner with a reliable hoodie seeking active adventure and to build a life in shipping containers together.

On the ride in, I was thinking about the aggregate “should have a house, be married, have a kid” expectation, or something substantially parallel, that seems to be floating around as of late. I was fucking around with new OKC features recently and saw a question about if you would date someone who was smart but had never accomplished anything. I believe that all depends on what anything amounts to. Which is core to the question here. How important is it to you, or to those whose approval you yearn for, that you graduate high school, college, get married, have kids, da da da. How important is it that your career is successful, or that you help people, or win at sports or something else competitive?

Extrapolating on “I have a way? Is that better than a plan?” I’ve always had the approval of my parents when I’ve asked for it. Has that been enough to keep me from worrying? When I think about relationships and not being in a long term one, I can certainly show that I’ve tried and put a lot of energy into making that work while checking to make sure I’m not settling for something ultimately not right. While certain measurements of my progress may go up and down; socially, financially, my happiness, I can’t look back over any six month period and claim I haven’t substantially grown in some way.

Although, often the ways in which I have grown nobody sees, or few can appreciate. Perhaps I’m just floating on years of built up confidence in my own ability to work out of any rut, further up the climb. Hmm..

3:30am, giggling outside the kitchen window. I put down my chili and walk up to it just wearing my long underwear. Punk girl reaches out her hand through the window standing on the shoulders of a couple of friends, “Hi, I’m Jess.”

The lameness of showing up loud and bothering sleeping roommates aside, I was already awake so it was kind of nice to have friends stop by. I’m tempted to compare it to bike rides though. It’s fun, but how ultimately sustainable is it? In the balance of identity, how many people do I know that are accomplishing meaningful goals, but still stay out drinking all night? It becomes a matter of energy.

As I wrap up my first on-call week for ARC, I’ve been thinking about my drinking habits a little as I’ve been playing with them. I avoided drinking at all for the most part because of being on call, and when I did I tended to have a beer over the course of a couple hours.

A commented recently on the machismo growing up in Texas surrounding eating spicy food. Drinking has that. Bikes. I think about M’s comment about her GPA after a rare bike ride. I feel old. I feel tired of feeling like the only open and communicating person. I know I’m not, and I know I’m just focused on the people that matter, or have mattered to me, and frustrate me because they aren’t.

Chris let us know today that he’s moving out at the end of the year. Nym and Una are moving into The Bucket. Monstersorri has an opening in January. There’s a lot of moving. It feels restless and unsettling. Chris said he’s getting his own place. I think about that, and think about how I’ve ultimately never lived alone. I don’t think that is by accident.

Conversations lately have been about direction, moving on, putting past relationships behind oneself. Everyone seems to struggle with not wanting to lose all of a good thing, but not wanting the commitment of it either. Which feels… ironic?

I’m tired of thinking about identity, specifically other peoples problems with it. I feel like I’m doing most of the right things, but I feel unmatched, isolated by not having intimacy in which someone else is trying as hard. I’m just tired of the energy to return ratio.

Rode up to Fremont to catch some bike kids, ended up talking with S mostly as everyone had or was peeling off. Talked about the great girl-free November, how much energy seems to go into relationships. I mentioned my staying away from girls that may be uncomfortable around me, work, and volunteering as my reasons for not being around so much. I feel good about November. Just a few more days and I’ll reassess those goals and make some new ones for December. Everyone was surprised that I made a 10mi ride (20 RT) to just wander out. I had a beer with S, but nobody was around to pester me to drink so I didn’t have to bring up the excuse that I’m on call for ARC this week. Conversation with S about the girls I’ve given space to, I try not to give anything away. Not that I don’t trust S, I just really try to keep that out of bike rides. I don’t know, give more thought I may have said different things but I played it cautious. S talked about M and I didn’t say much. Yeah, things are fine with M. I guess. I can never tell with her. Or at least they seem fine, she just never tells me if they’re fine.

I think back to two years ago. Dating S, just started at Widemile, busing to work from the Awful Shark. I talked to M for a while tonight. Asked how she was, how the holidays were. She’s not even there. Talking to S tonight complaining about younger girls that think they have it all figured out.

Relationships are tough because there always seems to be something to not work out, but it seems like two people wanting to make it work out is all it would take. It seems like it’s always only one of us.

Sticking my arms like a plane out while riding at night reminds me of the Jared Leto 30 Seconds From Mars video and makes me feel awkward. Funny.

Dad called while I was at an HfH site this week and asked if I was going for volunteer of the year when I told him where I was. I realize the majority of my social group isn’t the volunteering type. I aim to change that.

Watching Star Trek for the second time in two days, I’m both reminded of being disappointed that I didn’t get to watch it with M, and how grown up I realized I’ve become since moving to Seattle. It seems I’ve always had more responsibility than is normal for my age, which has sort of blinded me to the change. Sort of makes me worry a bit about getting to where I’m going without too much cynicism.

And so it goes.

J had interesting things to say about a majority of my recent relationships being with people who were functionally stuck in some lifestyle. It isn’t really a plan over a way issue. I’m inclined to nail it to the wall with a label of perception.

If this isn’t where you expected to be, where did you expect to be? Why aren’t you there? This is a rhetorical question that aligns nicely with the swimming upstream cliché. However, this is not an indication that you should conform and go with the flow either. It’ll just go a lot easier if you stop fighting it.