Some people want to live their lives miserable, it defines them. Often people who’ve been through trauma. Letting go of that feels like surrendering who they are.

I feel like talking about identity at this point is kicking a dead horse. I’ve done so very much writing here, writing emails, early morning chatter over coffee, late night chatter at a cafe or bar. The subject may very well deserve it. We talked this morning about elbow macaroni + tomatoes, about “chop suey”, about pants, and the city versus the country. I’m really buying into taking the financial market concept of survivorship bias that we took to open source, and taking it into identity as well. Perhaps some days you just have to get through, because distractions keep the demons at bay, or you feel you have a duty to do so. I do feel that as relatively entitled human beings that our personal growth is our responsibility. I think our ability to make a meaningful impact on the world requires honest introspection, and as part of that we can’t allow ourselves to justify keeping part of ourselves around only because it has survived.

I hate sleep. You know that question, if you could fight anyone in history who would it be? Sleep. Slippery bastard… Laying, breathing for fourty-five minutes… Finally, I thought of something I had to write out. Soon it’ll be early enough to make a bowl of oatmeal and watch the sunrise anyway.

I was thinking about “that is just the way I am.” Is that a thought-terminating cliche? Not cliche. Maybe not thought-terminating. Conversation-terminating excuse. When said to oneself, denial. Lack of ownership. Lack of responsibility. There’s an implication that, yes, you don’t believe you should be that way, but that you can’t change it. Yes, of course you can. Maybe you don’t realize that. Probably you’re just frustrated. When said to another? Frustration… ‘get off my back’ level frustration. The conversation has ended and we’re defensive now conversation. Thus the earlier “conversation-terminating” label. I’d like to think that sort of statement isn’t in my life anymore. Like joking with my father about “fine, be that way, see if I care,” this will only be a shared moment of recollection henceforth. Is it? I think I feel like I’m still too much in the dark to know. Excluded? Maybe. That feeling is probably a construct. Solving problems that don’t exist again.

But you know. I’m here. I’m solid like that. Time and distance may ebb and flow, but that doesn’t change.

In parallel with my earlier post on politics, I was thinking about the implication of “a simpler time”, a product I believe of a Sean Hannity remark clipped on the Daily Show. I got thinking about needing to finish The Way We Never Were. I’m three or four interesting books deep at the moment. It’s like the wikipedia affect but with books over here. My friend Adam over at Opscode has been promising a blog post about community that I’m anxiously awaiting and I’ve been thinking tonight about his insight into survivorship bias in open source (distracted giggling over “Bryan McLellan is looking out for you” release ensues). Anyway, I got thinking about “research” as noted in my last entry, thinking about The Way We Never Were, and got thinking about our (my?) tendency to read things we agree with. Now, I think I read things that I don’t yet agree with, but generally do in the end. How do I filter that? How do I really only buy books that I’m going to agree with, without having read them yet? Why don’t I ever bring home an Ann Coulter book? Is this a pattern similar to survivorship bias?

I took Client Casework today at ARC, which really should be called ARC Forms even though the point is empathy but I suppose it is more traditional to teach forms than empathy. The manila folder that you put all of the client paper work in? It is itself a form, 901 to be exact. The checks you give clients to give to hotels? A form, called a Dispensing Order, in carbon quadruplicate, form 140C. I jest, sort of. It was good anyhow. Anyhow, there is some emphasis in the other materials about active listening (and the aforementioned empathy) and two interesting terms are listed separately: pseudo-listening and rehearsing. Those are being distracted by other thoughts or events and acting as if you are listening, and when you start thinking about how you are going to respond before someone has finished talking. I’ve thought a little in the past about the stereotypical western cultural discomfort with silence and I’m thinking theres a relationship there. I’ve tried a little in the past to do my thinking after someone finishes talking and before I start talking. Socially this is typically impossible, because you often have at least one or two people in a crowd that don’t stop talking on are uncomfortable with the silence so they fill it quickly. One on one, I think it is usually possible, especially with more intimate conversations. In any case, I think it is worth some additional consideration and effort.

What else is on my mind? This year starts off busy. There is an important anniversary coming up next month that’ll make up two significant six-month btm-life-units, worthy of reflection. I’m not going anywhere this month but I have ARC training every weekend. February brings Shmoocon, although I don’t think I’m going to SCALE at this point. There are some work releases coming up that are going to be big changes, some of which I’ve pushed for and need to get more time into. The thought of a trip to Maine is still on my mind nearly daily, although I can’t shake the desire to want to take M more than anything. Mostly I think I feel such a strong desire to connect with her, and at the root of that it isn’t a new feeling, it is exposing itself in a new way. That’s fine. I’m thinking about physical feelings, like hunger, and comparing them to emotional feelings, like love, or maybe something more of a construct like attachment. Intensity aside, how are they different? Hunger makes one jump to pointing out that it comes from your stomach, where does one feel love and attachment? Speaking without metaphor, the chest, personally. Especially loss. All that aside, I’ve been thinking about the “this is not who I am, this is a product of my brain” concept I’ve picked up from The Mindful Brain and how it immediately strikes a fear of compassion-less existence in me, despite my siding with the science of love.

It’s a weird feeling, trying to reduce love to organic compounds. Fisher’s been doing it for years and is often asked if it takes all the fun out of love. She says no. “I can know every single ingredient in a piece of chocolate cake, but when I sit down to eat it, I can still feel the joy.”

“What were you doing five years ago?” he asked. I was in Maine. “Had you been to Seattle yet?” She asked. Not for a couple more months. Five years is a lot of units. I gave Tori a ride to work this morning and brought this up with her. Who was I a few years ago, and should I take this into account when interacting with people, especially loved ones? She offered that our twenties are often cited as being the most self-defining decade of our life, as opposed to our adolescence being more focused on our group and social identity. Perhaps later we find our cultural identity? Or that is merged in typically during the earlier periods? Regardless, the most stirring possibilities are still the ones requiring the most trust of others. And there it s.

We are nobody alone.

When I think about accomplishments, I take along humility as a worthwhile endeavor. Like everything, it is a balance, as it is not the absence of self confidence. Shirky chimes in:

Arrogance without humility is a recipe for high-concept irrelevance; humility without arrogance guarantees unending mediocrity. Figuring out how to be arrogant and humble at once, […] is the problem […].

I’m attached to the popular Isaac Newton quote,

If I have seen further than other men, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants

There’s an interesting note about how it isn’t about humility, but neither is this. Perhaps it was learning early in my life that there were limits to the feasibility of knowing everything, being the best at everything, and even being good at everything, that led me to the belief that my successes are all on the shoulders of other’s great successes. Perhaps in there I initially found my inklings of true humility. Maybe it was just in adolescent social torment.

I once told J a story about M (somewhere in the archives?) and she asked about her age. I did the math and noted she was (until recently, granted) under 25. That number is a shocker right now, while not being that far away, my earlier ruminations about what I was up to when I was 24 made me joke with Tori that I don’t know if I would hang out with me from three years ago today. Tori said she hung out with me three years ago and I reminded her that was three years ago for her as well. Anyhow, I told J about M being 24, and she “ohhed” and followed up with a comment about how it is usually around 25 that people realize their own insignificance.

I think about November, and this summer, what I’ve done, and how I’ve grown. Putting aside my current fascination with mirror neurons and how empathy for other people can give us empathy for ourselves for awhile, I’ve grown a lot. That keeps happening, funny. Most of what I mentally circled as lows have gotten better. Most? All. Goals were achieved, and that which wasn’t written out as a goal has still improved. Lets separate some of that out.

Building sheds, bikes, and whatnot have mostly been personal projects. To at least some degree, they’ve built on the experience I’ve gained from others from the Internet, friendships, and shared projects. Other “building” such as ToorCamp were definitely social events that were only so great because what the “collective everyone” committed. I suppose to some degree or another, it’s a matter of choosing a personal direction and while you’re walking along that path see who you meet headed along the same way. It takes both personal choice and courage, and the companionship of fellows along the way.

In thinking about a comment I made that “structure inhibits,” I find that incongruent with the previous statement. Structure that is immalleable inhibits. I think that is what I ultimately want to find in a partner, and perhaps what is necessary but often unrealized, is the agreement to draw on the strengths of the companionship while remaining open to life changing. Which does not mean that there is an inevitable parting of ways, as divorce and whatever you label irreconcilable differences in relationships as is… from the companionship one can draw the strength to steer something with more meaning than our independent personal musings.

As the whole is greater than the sum, perhaps after a certain point, who we are is less important than the collective we for those reasons.

I was just thinking about one of my conservative uncles and his habit of ranting at the dinner table, and I was getting frustrated just thinking about it. I haven’t seen him in years, although my mother has, and has stories to tell. Last night while waiting for pkg-ruby-extras to svn up on the laptop I was watching the 1/4/2010 episode of the Daily Show. The core news piece was the December terrorist attempt, and lots of clippings of republican legislatures, Fox newscasters and the such complain mostly about President Obama not calling this a “War on Terror” and whatnot, followed by clippings of the same people vehemently defend President Bush years ago when there were any implications that he wasn’t doing enough. Stewart goes on to ask what more they expect of Obama, and lists off many actions that should have satisfied them; additional troops sent to Afghanistan, delaying the closing of the detention center in Guantanamo, and such.

After all week of trying to get up before ten, but not really being able to sleep until five, I’m finally up at a reasonable hour. So I sit at the kitchen table with oatmeal and coffee, pondering the world. I got thinking about making arguments against these kinds of people, and what sort of research one would have to perform. It’s typically much more than they do, since you want concrete evidence and they’re satisfied with the implication of concrete evidence possibly existing. I was thinking about how I feel like national politics are so far removed from our daily lives and difficult to reach out to. I think that is why (corruption?) lobbying is more significant on a national level, it’s much harder to reach and be heard.

And then I realized the analogy that ranting about the President is really the equivalent of celebrity gossip.

I think that’s why I have little interest in discussion national politics. Maybe it is more that most that do are frustratingly inept at researching what they’re saying and instead are mostly spewing “news”. Maybe that is really the common thread too.

It’s really hard telling someone you can’t sleep with them because you’re thinking about someone else.

M asked, since I could work from anywhere, why I don’t execute more of my schemes. Because, honestly, those are plans I want to share with a partner. I’ve been thinking the last month or two about how I’m waiting for something, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. That’s it really. I guess I knew that. I went back, thinking I surely wrote about waiting and couldn’t find what I was thinking of, but found this post, which is chock full of some really smart shit.

I couldn’t say I’m thinking more, I guess I’m aware of my thinking more lately. I’ve been thinking about my nervousness with balancing my distance from M. I had a nice bike ride tonight, carrying a pile of trees on the xtracycle and Ken’s Burley trailer to the .83 Christmas Tree bonfire. I always like stuff like that. I spent some time staring out at the sea, feeling it, feeling like it was right there and we weren’t paying any attention to it. Being on call for ARC isn’t really an excuse for not drinking lately, I just don’t feel like getting drunk and I’m at terms with that. I’m still compelled to keep drinking when I start, like some kind of autopilot, but I’m aware of that at least. I watched the crowd, I stood back and talked to M. About everything that mattered. I stared at the sea some more. I wandered over to the Sloop for the calendar party, and felt crowded with all the people. I often feel this on bike rides when I’m not drunk, I’m uncomfortable when we’re not riding. I just want to go. It turns out the photo of Chase and I that I was excited about was not in the calendar, which was disappointing. I knew I was setting myself up when I pushed though, so my reaction wasn’t all that much of a surprise. Still, I eventually left and spent some of the ride home discerning those feelings. The rain at night was beautiful, the glow of the streetlights down long still alleyways.

I made dinner, did some dishes, picked up. I’m sore now, and tired. As I haven’t slept right in a few days, hopefully that will work. Other stuff. Chef. Work. I’ve been writing more essays, people seem to enjoy them. I’m finding a new voice for my experience in all of that. Should eat, and see if I can ride sleep all the way through the night.

Last night when unable to sleep I watched some stupid TV on Hulu, and stopped at one point to think about how calm I was. Distracted, without responsibility? Complacent. Maybe the Matrix analogy applies here, but it was interesting.

Tonight after a while doing a few bits on the Internet, I read, and stopped at one point to think about how much I was thinking (meta-awareness?) about all of the interesting projects that made me excited.

Earlier today I talked to M about stopping. I was pondering distraction, and the things I do when I’m bothered to find peace. Is it short term? Is it merely distraction to keep me from feeling? Does that mean some other day I’ll still have to deal with how I’m feeling and I’m only prolonging the inevitable that eventually puts people in situations like my father, unable to cope with life and using a constant stream of sports broadcasts to keep from from engaging himself?

I’ve been reading about awareness, mostly the science of it, lately. I noticed a differentiation at one point between compassion and empathy that put the former as feeling for others and the latter as understanding how they feel. Oh, Internet?

Empathy is the ability to share another person’s feelings and emotions as if they were your own.

Compassion is a feeling of pity, sympathy, and understanding for someone who is suffering.

I’m distracted by talking to T about bringing up that M I and I hung out tonight to someone responding, “Oh, I know.” Many memories of talking about this attitude, how to cope with it and nurture healing. Fucking identity. Or scenes. I recently read something about the body barrier, the mental notion that develops as to where we end and the rest of reality begins and I found it odd as I’ve always had a difficult time feeling that. On the other hand, my feelings have often dominated a part of me in which I’ve been struggling to accept that they aren’t as real as the seem. Which is to say that they’re some kind of construct that I can acknowledge and accept better than I do. I’ve been struggling a little with the “what happens if you explain love” dilemma as it relates to this. If I remove myself from my feelings, what is left of me? Probably I’m thinking too extreme, and I need to accept that acknowledging your thoughts and feelings, being aware of them being simply part of your brain, doesn’t make them any less you, or any less yours. It is less, I think, about saying “this is not me, this is my brain” and less about saying “this is my brain, and it is all okay.”

Most of what I read tonight touched on the social brain. Like how relating to others, by way of the mirror neuron system, allows us to analyze how they feel. Which in turn helps us to identify how we feel. More evidence about why we need people in our lives.

I’ve been thinking, see earlier post too, about the bizarreness of attachment, or envy. Something in the middle of all of that, I lack a way to label so simply. I’ve always had a bit of a jealousy problem that I usually keep internal, but this is outside of that. Of someone being valuable to you. When I think of friends and family, I know I value them and would be disappointed to lose them. Thinking about someone being so afraid of losing someone that they won’t allow themselves the vulnerability of attachment, I wonder what one would do to support them. The best I’ve come up with is to consistently reiterate that you’re there, and you’re not going anywhere, and over time allow trust to build in that as it is proven to be true.

I rode back to the ‘hood almost the entire way standing. A quarter of the way home I realized this, and noted that I was just doing this because I was happy. Fleeting? Perhaps. Foolish? Maybe. Ultimately harmless, or as Douglas Adams said, Mostly Harmless.

Sitting at Squid eating dinner I suddenly got exhausted, which is bizarre as I slept until past 10am this morning, granted probably only seven hours worth though. This is good, as I’ve been aiming at shifting my schedule back to earlier in the morning post-sickness, but haven’t quite gotten there yet. I’ve got one work task to finish, then poke around a bit and hopefully it’ll be late enough.

I’m not usually one to get too excited about the future. It’ll come soon enough as far as I’m concerned. Some things are meaningful to me, like building a cabin, and thus hold a special place in the Future. I can talk to M about amazing adventure ideas and even say upfront that they would never happen and still be more excited about them than anything I’ve looked forward to before. How absurd is that? I can live with absurdity though, it is kind of home-y.

Talked to dad today about hanging out with M, and he said it was kind of like that song, by Bon Jovi or someone, One Bitten, Twice Shy.

Close.

stressful day, having to write work emails I didn’t want to. Went to Frys because a disk in the house storage mirror died, and had to deal with humanity in the form of consumer and driver.

Tori’s bday party at the shark cheered me up. Lots of people showed I didn’t expect and it was nice to see all of them, although I felt like I was inattentive because there were so many and only the one of me. I’m sure it was fine though.

Finally talked to M about hanging out again. Concerned? For her. Worried. In this way that I want to shelter and protect. Will have to let that brew for a while I suppose.

So much happening tomorrow. What to do? Sleep for now. See if I murder my alarm in the morning or not.