I have unsocial thoughts sometimes too. Reminds me of existentialist angst.

The other day I was thinking about a snowmobile ride when I was a kid. My father was on the big snowmobile with my friend Mike on the back of it. They were towing the dogsled with Derek, his little brother Greg and I on the back of it. I’d have to say our median age was probably ten. We were slowly crossing a bridge over a six foot deep trench made out of trees under the snow, and the snowmobile rolled onto it’s side. Mike didn’t move his leg and it rolled onto it. I remember my fathers adrenaline kicking in as he fought to roll the snowmobile back over. Interestingly, I did the same and immediately ran over to help. Of course I probably didn’t help much, being small and young. Derrick and Greg stood by, probably scared. It’s interesting to think about my response now. Ken and I were talking again recently about the time the suburban caught on fire in eastern Washington recently. That wasn’t why I was thinking about the snowmobile trip though.

Derek and Greg weren’t allowed to ride on our snowmobiles anymore after that, but Mike still was. I’m willing to bet Mike’s father said something like, “You stupid shit, jump next time.” While the other boys mother said something like “I don’t want you riding on their snowmobiles anymore, it’s dangerous.” or something worse about my parents judgment. I’ll never forget Mike’s father once telling me that if I told anyone about a project of his he’d tear off my head and shit now my neck. He was awesome.

Mom and I chat pretty regularly about these type of events, her belief that allowing me to grow up on my own and learn my own lessons was usually the best course. And that continues. Conversations with J about relating my intensity with learning systems being similar to my intensity in relationships, shrouded by my choice to feel openly.

People don’t like to be meddled with. We tell them what to do, what to think, don’t run, don’t walk. We’re in their homes and in their heads and we haven’t the right. We’re meddlesome.

Meaningful action. Definitely honing in on finding terms with transition caused by refined intentions. At times I worry that there isn’t enough for a partner to hold on to, but plenty of wonderful friends have. Ultimately, theres plenty to be done. When the dust settles, who is still around matters more than anything else.

Actions do mean much more than words in this case. Hope isn’t enough.

Is caring really that hard on other people?

I got a lot of flack yesterday when I mentioned the significance of the day. Mostly it amounted to, “today is not going to be important to her, so it should not be so important you.” Which is the common “She doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her.” argument. Those points are relatively moot however. Yesterday only could have been significant to us if there was such a thing.

remember, i made this decision for me, not for you or us.

No, yesterday wasn’t about us. Ultimately everything since those words has been about how I feel, nothing else had legs to stand on after that. Granted, how I felt had a level of intensity that worried or repelled a lot of people, but it was a valuable course to run. I don’t recall that I’ve believed differently. While I’ve had periods of false hope to deconstruct, I long before took personal responsibility for my feelings and communicating them as clearly as possible with the people that I’m close to. The hard part was losing the most reasonable outlet for those feelings.

Not my usual route into work this morning, a bit longer and more peaceful; coming from White Center and going along the wooded Duwamish River Trail. Also was on the 29er and not the fixed, so a bit slower. I’ve been thinking a little about times when I have to sit someone down in a relationship and ask them something; prod them. I don’t mind it, but when it gets common it makes me sad when I’m always the “lets talk about that” person. Are folks so used to what follows being so dramatic or argumentative that they dare not go down that road by default? Are they not as experienced in communicating or just not so optimistic? I was comparing a lot of levels of that, from “what is our relationship anyway” conversations to partners being communicative about how they feel, what they want. I’ve hit a lot of different fears in dating, being afraid to communicate ones feelings is all too common. Uncomfortable, maybe? Afraid seems to encompass that.

No, when I read those words, I can barely remember the person I was a year ago. Which is the point of yesterday’s reflection.

Currently listening to: Whiskey & Company – One Man

Sometimes I’m so obvious I laugh at myself, but often I’m sure I’m the only one who knows what’s going on. There are days that stereotypically seem to call for reflection; new years, birthdays. They never really are, there’s too much going on. Or is there? I suppose it’s more what was meaningful, and such days often feel pretty much like every other day, with the addition of a party.

I’ve been thinking a lot about today. About who was important to me a year ago, what was important to me, and how that has changed. The ridge I was on, the chasm it turned out to be, and where I found myself when I climbed out of it. I’m not the person I was a year ago, or six months ago. Or less. There’s too much to do to sit still.

I’ve been talking to J a lot about my emotional maturity, ultimately she speculated that my desire for intimate relationships is much higher than my peers, and consequently I’m much more willing to put the time and energy into emotional growth than most. And thus today I’ve been continuing my path of pondering M’s reluctance to growth.

I had a conversation with B recently that went like:

B: *you said N and it is dumb*
Me: Do you really think I believe that?
B: No.
Me: Then why are you soapboxing? You’re obviously upset, but not about that.

And she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, thus the conversation died. Maybe she did think I believed that until I said something about it. Water under the bridge I suppose. I so deeply value those that I’ve dated who recognize when they’re upset and don’t take it out on me. Those with the emotional fortitude to recognize that they are frustrated or scared, and admit as much not only to themselves, but to me; acknowledging that we’re in it together. I think J is pretty right. I’ve been leveraging that over the last month. I had felt, or, I had hoped, that M had come to a place where we could talk. As it turned out, she had grown, but not enough, having only allotted a short time to facing how she felt. I mentioned actively thinking about M as someone who was in my past, and J reckoned it was also moving M from the hope of the future.

Thinking about peers has lead into thinking about emotional peers. It is essential someone want to grow emotionally to be a part of my life. Talked a bunch last night with S about how hard it can be to find that, and how absurd it seems to be that you can’t look for it. Opportunity.

B’s grandmother calling me ‘unmade bed’ because of how I look.

Spending the afternoon with J + J after a trip up to Northgate and back with Bike Sabbath for fries.

Can punk rock alcoholics run a restaurant collectively? Do they want to? To what degree does one measure success?

Dating girls, in the ‘girls’ stereotype way, and not being surprised by, but still feeling the absurdity of the stereotypes.

Which leads into, communication. Once again I want to complain about the poor ability to discern thoughts from feelings and communicate as such, clearly, being a trend in girls I date, but A was a great communicator. So complaining is poor form and just frustration with the present.

Tomorrow? Off to the ocean overnight. Off to Alaska soon if all goes well.

Missing M this week, and not because container day is coming up. Probably because of J asking me about who I’ve dated that I felt was my peer, and the resulting introspection.

While up all night for work on Tuesday and waiting on something to finish I was flipping through old xkcds. One ultimately left to being paraphrased on the wall of my bedroom, to say “Spend my life restlessly producing instead of sedately consuming.” I have a few days off coming up here, and B and I instead to head out into the woods for part of it. I think about A or M’s interest in wandering off in the woods, both the excitement of the concept and actually coming to fruition. It has been interesting to continue talking with friends and thinking about my last post, about what I want to do alone and what I want to do with a partner. Can I separate ‘do’ and ‘be’? I’m always doing something, and I feel like while M was fond of that I never was able to convey the difference to her; that I would continue doing on my own, and my desire was more to be with her. Time marches on.

One of my favorite parts of my relationship with M was listening to her talk. I wasn’t specifically interested in the subject, but what she had to say about it was fascinating. How much of this fascination was because I liked her? Would it be paradoxical if I simultaneously liked her because I found her fascinating? I spent some time talking to J about this today, about how I rarely enjoy listening to people talk. After I explained some of the circumstances, she hypothesized that it was because often people are regurgitating [distorted] facts they’ve heard somewhere and not their own opinions; a product of critical thinking. I stumbled across a great blog post about introversion today, with a wealth of related links, including the classic Caring for your Introvert.

I had a bit of an argument with B about veganism, she said it isn’t that hard to be vegan if it matters to you. Which with me, lead to the usual discussion about compromise, extremism, and thinking about your choices. I ranted a bit about the other things that are important to me, which I suppose is part of the point. So much that is important to me is not conducive or convenient to maintaining more of a vegan lifestyle.

I had a meeting a while ago in a volunteer organization where some of the others involved expressed their desire for the organization to ultimately employ them. I said nothing, but was in awe at the naivety. J asked me to think about who I’ve dated, and which of them I’ve really felt were my peers. It’s a frustrating reality to consider. I laughed thinking back to flirting with A at ToorCamp, and while much is said about the importance of people having lived a life in which not everything was given to them, and persevered, rarely do I encounter the level of passion and drive that goes out and builds something.

Lead some kids from the hood on a bike ride last night, saw some sights. As usual, the internet is forever. Glad to have gotten in a break. I’m going to need a vacation after this next week.

Solidly awake listening to someone snoring like they’re going to die, listening to the Juno soundtrack and mobile posting since nobody I’m comfortable bothering seems awake. Amazing that I am, after a weekend of reduced and additional, well, everything. Another Shmoocon past.

I had a conversation with an HfH site supervisor a while ago about how I take days off to help. He seemed a little surprised. I blew it off at the time, but I definitely feel like the volunteering I do is less stressful than work. Maybe it’s partly just something different. I was ashamedly anxious today in the midst of an incident, not sure why. Little sleep + food, lots of caffiene, probably.

“You’re so nice and so smart. You’re such a good friend, I have to break your heart. I’ll tell you that I love you, then I’ll tear your world apart. Just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart.”

Container day is coming up, so M has been on my mind. I’m still in some kind of acceptance mode as of late; of reality. Humanizing? Others speak of removing her from a pedestal. Too much credit where it isn’t due? Some kind of bias of the heart?

“Also consider that at her core, as evidenced by the manner of breakup and how she otherwise treated you, there are essential emotions lacking. Compassion and empathy. Actions are a trurer reflection of inner self than words.”

I know a while ago I got thinking and writing about the arguments with M over my defense of H. Self-esteem would be a thin root, as this continues far beyond when these situations, where past relationships affect my daily life, seem to be a regular occurance. Why the defensiveness? Compassion from vulnerability?

“Sometimes what we can’t have blinds us to the possibilities that are before us. The unobtainable holds great power; often to our detriment and ultimate happiness.”

And so it goes. There are markers to come this year. Container day, the end of the motorcycle lawsuit, a year at WT.

“Because when things are overwhelming or profoundly moving (often), i always think that life is full of things. Makes me feel small and humbly subject to whimsy.”

I’m still of the solid belief that how we act is who we are, and how we treat other people is our mark on the world.

B: Is anything difficult for you?
Me: Everything. I just put on a good show and internalize the pain.
B: Whatev….you’re full of sshh..
Me: Haha. Serious, long genetic history of making life look easier than it is through bouts of martyrdom. 

Reversing and applying a pedestal filter, I ponder the importance of how people treat me, how it affects my happiness, and who I like. And what that means.

This reminds of the conversation with A about the friends at her birthday party and being disinterested in them. I long ago found the value of my time, and found it to be high, yet still have a willingness to use it just being around the right people. Perhaps doing nothing is recovery time, and I need the people around me to be of a certain collection of personality traits for that to work.

I fear my long-term decisions at times, and how they redraw life and time. Perhaps that is what fuels the desire to live in the moment.

Have I found in B someone someone with the availability and willingness to vulnerability to actually execute on the adventures M was afraid to do more than dream about? I think so.

During round two, I met M for breakfast and on J’s recommendation spent most of the visit feeling out where she was, where she wanted to engage our relationship. M left that day feeling I was sad, and that she didn’t want to be with someone sad. The actual sad family events of the time aside, I couldn’t have the real conversation with her. Despite her reflection since, the last round confirmed she still is unable to communicate with me without getting overwhelmed, taking this out on how I feel and ultimately on me. Much better than round one in regard to being mean, but still running, and unwilling to face it.

Ultimately it is that unwillingness that makes any level of relationship a dead-end. As I discern my feelings from reality, that is the focus lens through which I identify my bias.

I had some time Wednesday to reminiscence over the past, catalyzed by revisiting places I’ve been to every few years for the last ten. I’ve been busy since, so no time to write. It’s so hard letting go of what M called “the good things,” regardless of the absurdity of not doing so. Moving forward, I’m cautiously taking to valuing being cared and thought about.

old shit that nobody wants to talk about got dredged up today. After the anxiety passed, I feel like I’m looking at a pile of unidentifiable artifacts on a beach, pondering its making.

If you’re unwilling to identify and/or accept your defensiveness, you put those close to you in an uncomfortable situation of not knowing what is safe to talk about. ‘I can not believe you would think that about me’ is a sign of that trap. We must consider the thoughts of those close to us with humility, lest we start to believe in our own superiority.