Well look at that, morning. I sat for a bit, thinking way back to M being upset with me for being defensive of H after this incident where she said a bunch of shit about her ex-boyfriend’s actions at a small party. In retrospect, I gave H too much credit, but I ponder how much of it is my normal giving people a lot of credit, and how much of it was influenced by my relationship with H. I spent some time thinking about the leeway I afford M. Perhaps A’s comment about commitment the other day, and admitting the origins of those comments are all rooted in the absurdity of some interactions with M. Of course, I put metric fucktons of energy into trying to work out a relationship of some kind with M; energy spent on communication, support, compassion, to no avail. Which is evidence that I have been extremely tolerant of attitudes and actions I wouldn’t have put up with from anyone else. Put up with… What would I have done? Walk away.

After spending time at a dinner party for A’s birthday, the one whiskey drinker among a table full of wine flights in a crowd talking about growing up in “towns” of 80,000 people, I had some conversations lately with A about people worth knowing, and the amount of available time to afford to them. Unless we’re tagging along on an activity, I very rarely afford time to anyone. My really close friends get all there is, which there isn’t a lot of, because as indicated last night I am involved in so much that a single day doesn’t go buy without a lot going on. I used to tell M that the degree of our relationship was up to her. This wasn’t going to help, really, because how she keeps people at a distance, and it wasn’t avoiding responsibility for the situation on my part because it took an incredible amount of energy to keep that option available to her, to move plans, schedule projects around, to be available. It seems I’m always open to having meaningful discussion about life with people, relationships pop up here and there purely based on this like with G. But getting together to hang out? Pretty rare, and almost always involves sharing a meal since that’s a decent time to stop doing something anyhow.

So, as people at work start realizing I’m awake and asking me about projects, I’ll finish up for now. How far have I been bending over backwards for M to compensate for her lack of effort? How hard has it been to carry that? How much relief is in saying goodbye to that?