Currently listening to: William Shatner – Real

My drive to link to lyrics is often to convey that they mean something about my mood, man. Somewhere in the depths of this archive I go on about that, mostly about M poking fun at me for listening to Dido. Speaking of M, conversation with J lately about relationships seems to have opened a door. I’m not yet standing in front of it, so I can’t see entirely what is on the other side, but I can feel the additional space to be explored.

While christmas shopping at Elliott Bay Books the other day I finally picked up The Mindful Brain, recommended by J. A picked it up the other morning and expressed that the first few dozen pages didn’t seem to go anywhere, feeling very introductory. After catching up, I’ve made note to go back and ask her about that, as I’ve found it exciting and moving. Three concepts have already caught my attention: resonance circuitry, neuroplasticity and discernment.

This premotor area was the first region that revealed the finding of the mirror neuron system that enables us to take in the intentions and emotions of others and create those states in ourselves as part of a larger “resonance circuit”.

The general idea of the clinical benefit of mindfulness is that the acceptance of one’s situation can alleviate the internal battle that may emerge when expectations of how life should be no not match how life is. Being mindful entails sensing what is, even sensing your judgements, and noticing that these sensations, these images, feelings, and thoughts, come and go. If you have a COAL [curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love] stance, the rest takes care of itself. There is no particular goal, no effort to “get rid” of something, just the intention to be, and specifically, to experience being in the moment as one lets go of grasping onto judgements and goals.
Emerging from this reflective COAL mindful way of being is a fundamental process called “discernment” in which it becomes possible to be aware that your mind’s activities are not the totality of who you are.

Neuroplasticity is the term used when [brain] connections change in response to a experience

I actually came here to note that Andy is hilarious, but got distracted. As I’m winding down from a bit of imposed stress surrounding work, because our product is selling wildly and we are in “the big times” now, I’m craving doing nothing rather than focusing on anything. Of course, I don’t end up doing nothing, I end up doing something, something other than what the nothing was going to replace. So I end up with boundless piles of something. So here it is, something.

Oh yeah, I love Andy. I woke up to a 1:30am email from her including a “HYPOTHETICAL FAQ” of questions I might ask about a project we are working on together, such as “Andy, does this mean we’re done?” with a quite factual answer that could amount to “no, idiot” but is instead sarcastic, funny and great.

Today though, as in Wednesday, well. The day essentially began with a conversation with A about what I’ve been talking to J about, which amounted to relationships and what I’m looking for, and that it essentially isn’t out there right now. Which also meant that it isn’t here right now, which makes it a tough conversation but an honest one. Midday brought an email from M which will need more time to process and likely produce no conclusions that I haven’t already made. Such it is with M. In a ‘so it goes’ capacity, I remind myself there isn’t anything to say that hasn’t been said, but I’m full of everything to say, driven to say it. It must be shared. Yet it remains sequestered. And the day ended with an email from J asking about the state of my jealousy and her relationships with other people.

Speaking of my jealousy, I talked to A about that recently, today? She said she couldn’t see it. I’ve never been particularly chatty about it, always considering it my biggest fault. I think M was the first person I ever admitted it to, so we’re talking pretty recently here. I’m reminded of discernment, above, and consequentially other words in this book about sitting with how you feel and not running away. Distraction. Self-medication.