Usually when I shower, I notice the scar on my leg from a scab that didn’t heal right. I first noticed it about three months ago, sitting at the bar at Squid with M. This was also when I first started noticing my general skin issues as of late. She commented on having better scars.

M once exasperatedly and sharply said “you think I’d want to marry you?” I was talking today about feeling blamed for a lot of her issues. While talking about slowing down, M2 admitted being kind of hurt by the implication that we couldn’t get married. M3 probably wanted to. In the end, it wasn’t until recently that I feel like I had this all figured out.

I’m thinking lately about being unsure how to help A. There’s always that part that feels like I should back away, not run away, and not out of fear, but that my absence solves more problems than my presence. It certainly seems that way for M, M2, J (hah, S, H, :P). Granted, that’s not the whole spectrum, but enough to prove a point. I’m not afraid I don’t know how to best help, I just don’t know how to best help. I feel like I’m wandering around on a sunny day where you get a little wet now and then and look up to see if it is raining, but you’re not convinced it is. That rain is our communication.

I was comparing M, M2 + J today, with J2. Mostly sorting out Why M2 and I get along so well. J2 thinks I prefer passionate independent people, and that those types of people tend to have emotional instability. You never know. Maybe. Do emotionally unstable people fail at sitting down and openly communicating with you? If so? No, J is really open with me, or was, when we were close. The lack of black and whiteness in this world is stew-pid.

And thus to run with it, we talked about my excitement, and how I end relationships when I don’t have that excitement.

Why is it so hard to find someone that both challenges me, and comforts me?

On the ride home at 4am in a light rain I got thinking about how those moments, that feel so much longer than moments, where you are close to someone and feel like it’s okay, you can stop trying, and just be okay. That’s what I want most from relationships.

Spilt milk under the bridge (Andrew?). It’s sort of amazing how terrible M is at expressing her feelings. I recall her complaining about bad communicators, and I wonder if she could recognize the line between what she feels and what she has decided to do about it.

HfH orientation tomorrow. sleep.