I keep forgetting to write this, and I dont’ have time now, but I don’t want to forget this again.

Talking to T the other day about missing _, and she got irritated and said “There are much nicer girls than _.” I quipped about not knowing where they are, as it hasn’t been for a lack of trying to find them. I still laugh thinking about demonizing, I forget so easily that most of the people I’ve dated never got the chance to understand how I feel, and thus can’t seem to grasp that I’d be supporting them when they’re not present. I’ve been having a conversation lately with B where he keeps implying that he is saying things that upset or frustrate me. B doesn’t know me anymore, if he did, and I can’t help but feel wise and zen about offering advice to him across the tubes.

Talking to J about missing _ and she asked if I missed her, or what she represented to me. I said that we fit well. What it represented not withstanding, I’ve had other opportunities for to fill that, that I’ve passed up on because they didn’t fit right. Also discussed how all of my introspection lately seems to be serving others much more than myself. It isn’t solving my problems. Although, I suppose, that’s not really the point. J recommended I take a look at The Mindful Brain and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for hints on reshaping and redefining my emotional associations with loneliness away from intimacy. We’ll see how that works. I sense a huge book order coming when I get paid.

A asked me if our conversations felt like therapy and I told her not at all, because they’re conversations and not therapy. Combined with another comment about helping me, I’m feeling a flashback to M but without the arrogance. I feel like being social is getting me pent up again, complicated. Complicated takes energy. Taking care and being mindful of others takes energy.