Currently listening to: Whiskeytown – Don’t Wanna Know Why

I appear to have not posted my last entry, and then deleted the draft while cleaning up from multiple open sessions. Lame. T commented on the _ making my last post difficult to read but then interesting. K though I should consider cutting back on the whole girls thing.

Lets assume falling in love is a good thing, by any other name is still love, would bring us happiness. Further, assume fear is meant to protect us from being hurt, abandoned, left unloved. The general course appears to be meeting someone I like, cautiously expressing these feelings against what feels like better judgment but is mostly fear, to see if they have similar feelings and if they are interested in dating at all. On the latter point, the benefit of online dating is people are much more up front about what they’re looking for, you’ve got to figure out by feel or conversation if you want a similar relationship now, and down the road. I’ve got that pretty well down, it just has mostly been my luck that lately there hasn’t been a desire for a relationship that I desire or to reciprocate my feelings. I only have strong feelings for a single person at a time, although when there isn’t an intimate relationship in my life my feelings of longing are much stronger and I miss people more.

Which comes back to the reminder that 100% of your previous romantic relationships have ended, for whatever reason. Not necessarily failed, some are still great relationships, just not romantic ones. I’m worn out. I’m let down. The bliss of chatting with a cute girl also reminds me that I don’t have it in me right now to keep being disappointed. I have no victimizing misconceptions like feeling that it isn’t fair, that I’m being mistreated, I’m not _____ enough. It is just that the people I keep falling in love with aren’t interested in a long term relationship with me, and that’s fair, provided they’re honest, can communicate and don’t make decisions for me. That’s not fair. It seems incredibly difficult finding mature individuals living meaningfully with compassion and intent who are also aligned with dropping out of society in some form or another and similar alternative lifestyles. I digress.

If we’re pushing these boundaries of fear when we’re starting a new relationship, how do we handle them with existing relationships that have gone too far and are being recalled? It seems like feelings are key. If you don’t have the desire for more with someone, it’s easy enough to have a relationship that resembles a friendship. For someone like me, I’m feeling, and I’m wanting to express those feelings. I want to be more open, closer, intimate. Thus far all I’ve been able to do is avoid the situations that would make me feel; stop talking, stop hanging out, try to avoid situations that make me think about them.

I’ve been sinking a lot of time into ARC volunteering lately. Time that would have been social has been replaced by this. I’m still just as busy, and it is further convincing evidence to myself that I’ll always been this busy, but I feel it is more meaningful. There’s also much less of a chance for me to be let down, hurt, disappointed. When you can’t move on, you have to find distraction and just keep busy.

Sometimes I wonder if people who believe you can move on realize that it is only because it wasn’t what they wanted. When it is what you wanted, you don’t move on, time just passes.