Currently listening to: Johnny Cash – Bridge Over Troubled Water

This is pretty absurd.

_ asked me where my feelings for _ would go if I had a relationship with _ and I told her that having my feelings reciprocated is what is most important. I never bought into the myth of romantic destiny. Lists of desires are funny things. I sat on the couch while waiting for _ and picked up After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship from the shelf. The stereotypes in it got me thinking about how I don’t fight. The closest memories I have are of dating people who got emotional and took it out on me, typically being mean to me and blaming me for how they felt. The main topic of today if there’s any way for me to cope with my feelings for another outside of avoiding them. I don’t know. I just know it was sad. I miss _ when I see her or think about her. _ was talking about still seeing _ everywhere for years and I can relate. Nobody believes me when I tell them that those feelings don’t go away for me in the long run. When I’m in a position where I can at least tell myself I’m special to someone, they don’t matter, but when I’m not, back they come. It isn’t just being lonely, maybe it is just opening my heart far too wide. _ said, “you have to get over her, you don’t know the half of it.” but I told her I didn’t want to know the half of it. It won’t make my feelings go away, it will just hurt. What did I just say?