Currently listening to: Foo Fighters – Times Like These, Live

I’ve been thinking for some time I need a WP plugin that shows what I’m listening to, I just realized I sometimes try to hard. Of course, over the course of an entry like this, much time passes pondering and writing, consequently so do many songs.

Oh hi. Back, that was shorter than I would have hoped.

A while back I ran into a bike friend at a local bar and she introduced me to her companion by listing off the ways she knew me: friend of meg, seattle bmf organizer, tall-bike builder, etc. Earlier I dropped the f-bomb on facebook with, “Feeling like a solitary wanderer that doesn’t fit right anywhere.” and a friend responded with “…and we love it.” I feel like said friend needs context and as I start in my head: securty cons, burning man, configuration management; I laugh at the inability for that to really convey anything. Sometimes I assume people know me, know how I am, and I start responses with, “Oh, well, you know me…” but mostly I’m just feeling like a square peg right now.

Fixed up a leak on the garage and the smoking shed today, as well as running a number of errands, in between work and meeting Mom and my step-father, a new Seattle arrival, at Squid for lunch.

100% of your previous relationships have failed, and the most common thread in all of them is you.

The strength of my feelings, my comfort talking about them, my gentility, continue to entice and then overwhelm. Did you know amiable is synonymous with nice? Yeah, it’s a good thing.

i don’t doubt the strength of how you feel. not at all. but the idea that we were going to agree to break up is unrealistic given how far apart we were in the emotional trajectory of things. also, in breaking up, i have removed myself from responsibility for how you feel and cope with things. this is why i love your friends and family. however, this is also to say that i’m not really into long emails about us or your feelings as they continue to consume your work day. this is not my role anymore. also, i don’t want to dialogue about how things went down until you’re more stable/happy/adjusted.

I’m not saddened by that message. Was that ever anyone’s role though? Perhaps, before they knew what they were getting themselves into.

I don’t stray far from here for long, this journal’s companionship, the atmo, these patterns. Perhaps if I ever rename it from rants, I’ll call it atmo. It’s survived through accusations and implications of how so many other people feel about it, silently standing by my side when others are too pre-occupied by what it means to them to ask what it means to me.

*sigh*

At least there is still plenty to build to distract me from that reality.

Current mood: distant.