Events of late give heed to the need for some restorative introspection. I was thinking I was going to make it to a Tuesday without feeling like I broke down: wishful thinking.
Too many topics for pronouns today. That’s okay, I’ve got a whole fucking alphabet; I realize there are a half dozen close M’s in my history now alone. It was funny the last time I heard through the grapevine that one of them was told I was writing about them on assumption, now it’s absurd. I’m concretely at the point where there is no time of day for those who are more interested in scandals of others than their lives.
Showered and wearing the jeans S gave me. They’re a tad large, like most of my pants as of late. Is that far enough back? No, of course not. I can’t help but feel like I was care-free then, even though the circumstances of our break-up assure me I was the same as I ever was. Eons ago, so much life has been lived in Seattle. The last time I talked to M she still seemed to imply some credit for everything that I’ve achieved. There was another comment made recently that I have it well, and sure, I do, but I’m still really uncomfortable with the implication that I haven’t worked hard for and earned at least the difference between the years. Forrest Gump was wrong, life is a lot like Snakes and Ladders.
How am I? Struggling. So tired, worn, trying so hard, against my better judgement. The uneasiness is my experience speaking. But how to differentiate it from fear? I’ve been assuming all of the later for so long, sticking my neck out, telling myself someone has to. No, telling myself that is what I have to do. I feel like I have so little left to give and I need to take shelter beneath what I’m good at and shield my heart from the beating it receives when I find I have once again stepped out into the weather under-protected.
I’ve had everything with L sorted out for some time, at least the best I could be expected to achieve alone. A asks if being hurt so badly is affecting other relationships and I honestly deny it; I don’t hold the transgression of trust against anyone else. She also offers a new angle, one of being punished for being vulnerable. Certainly not consciously, but I can see that. And what of the trust? Like I said, two burned bridges. My human decency keeps me in line in person, or maybe it was the whiskey. No, the latter only reduces my own anxiety. Discussion forces me to compare relationships, but there isn’t a common thread. I don’t know what else to say about that without unintentionally sounding reminiscent.
Not too long ago I mentioned cautiousness. I wouldn’t say my mind has changed since then, perhaps refined. This experience reminds me to trust my instincts more in the future.
When L e-dumped me, I looked back to the end of times with M. I recalled how hard I tried and how much pain I bore to try to make everything right by her. I also thought about how with no effort any longer on her part and the distance, without the opportunity to love her, the damage done settled on her like dust. The feelings, special that they were, stayed, the trust left over time. I tried to communicate to L that this would happen. She missed my efforts entirely, saying during round two that she figured we’d date other people for a while and then date again. For near a half a year I’ve been quoting “I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue.”
I gave up dating a week or two ago. I don’t know, time, I’ve had no sense of it for a while now. I don’t expect it to ever come back. The hurt is at a totally manageable level, but I’m out of steam. M keeps bringing up that we should be dating with a question mark at the end, and I feel like I’m doing everyone a disservice by not completing that conversation but I simply don’t have that much to give.
Per the recommendations of J, I’ve explored breaking the relative mold with dating A. While much care and concern… empathy, have developed, I feel like I’m spending more time uncomfortable than comfortable. Part of the mold was dating outside my usual type, and thus further exploring the angle of starting a relationship without so much infatuation. Conversation cornered me, as I mentioned, into delving into the course of my relationship with L. Somehow I had forgotten about my caution of taking the relationship slow, and how she had eventually commented on that door remaining shut only of my own volition. Apparently I should have continued trusting my instincts and not my desires. Which just goes to show that excluding the fears of being burdensome, I had another opportunity to trust myself and remain on track and on pace with my instincts. It’s clearer now I’m looking for a relationship more particular than I once thought. More identity has also been outlined and some cancerous portions tagged for manipulation, particularly spending my time-product with more meaning, even if it is does sound less fun.
More comments have been made by A, J and others about my heart. Some comments were made about lamenting the situation, which is not a comment L made but for some interesting reason keeps feeling like she did. My gut reaction is one of feeling tired of being a nice guy stereotype. That’s unfair of me.
So I’m laying low as best I can. I’m leveraging a crush from a distance because it’s low-impact and helps keep me up through all of this. It’s great to feel like I can be appreciated without feeling like I’m consistently failing someone’s expectations, feeling like perhaps, for once in my life (shut up), that they’re more worried about me than I am about them. As I attack the FOMO, focus on work, reading, and creating, I rebound from the feeling that the last six months have been a consistent failure at being a positive influence on the life of anyone special.