In my search for what is important to me, what my priorities are, how my time should be spent, I’m often find myself comparing myself to that which is “normal”. I recently offended someone by telling them my first impression was that they were normal. “In behavior, normal refers to a lack of significant deviation from the average.” I think for me, normal refers to a significant deviation from my lifestyle with any other deviations from what feels like a [television induced?] social norm well hidden.

Back to the endgame: “My endgame is finding a cohort I can love and support who wants to do crazy things with me, live according to our ethics, and have a positive impact on the parts of the world that around us.” Recently, this means being open and communicative. Past experience with others has underscored that I want to have a positive impact on the people I touch, and as such the ends do not justify the means. Which is to say that I aim to not sacrifice others in the pursuit of the self. Where I will be years hence simply can’t make up for self-centered living now. I often have wondered why you didn’t watch Kenshin, but it’s clear now that you either only cared about how I made you feel (and not about me), or you couldn’t deal with the burden of being loved.

It doesn’t feel like it’s coming, but I feel like I’m entering a suitable holding pattern. “Plus, having a crush on her is totally helping me disassociate my loneliness…” and  she says “Don’t get hurt son… I’m worried about you… Just as long as you’re not getting emotionally manipulated.” to which I get around to responding with “I just want a cute shy girl to snuggle, hold hands with, be mutually excited to see each other. Like her, but nice.” I’m willing to allow my heart the luxury of having made mistakes and poor choices, it meant well by me.

Of course I still care. I sent her something special recently, but via postal mail as to prevent a response… anonymously, as I later realized probably wasn’t necessary. As always, seemed like a good idea at the time. But there’s nothing left to be said. The second chance burned down what was left of the bridge and left me still standing where I had started, unsurprised. Nobody was surprised. He said not to follow through with it, but admitted he would himself. You are “demonized” by your own actions, and all your supporters (myself included) can do is stand by and watch. I told the counselor today I expected to run into her twenty years hence and high five… she laughed.