playing with mysql high availability is time consuming in a waiting and reading sort of way…

You know how a lightbulb turning on over your head is representative of getting something? I usually think more of an explosion coming out the side of my head, sort of like if a bullet was exiting it.

Five years ago I wrote a journal entry in which I expressed that I felt lonely. My girlfriend at the time was upset by this, and her mother agreed with her, that it presented the impression that she was a bad girlfriend because I felt lonely. Go look at that picture again to get an idea of how my brain reacted.

The point was at the time was that I felt lonely because I felt that the people I was hanging out with, my ‘friends’ weren’t really. I was disappointed by my friendships. That wasn’t conveyed, but that really wasn’t the problem. The bigger problem there, which turned out to be a trend, was that she was more concerned about how her friends might percieve her based on something I wrote in a public journal than about how I was feeling.

And sure, I’ll grant that I worry significantly less than the average about how my peer group perceives my feelings. Today I had to underscore in an email that the people that matter to me know how I feel because I’ve told them, and the people that may judge how I feel, don’t really matter to me. It really is as simple as not having the time to worry about the judgment of strangers. This isn’t really a soap box that I’ve carefully constructed out of wood of ideals. It’s how I’ve always been. Now, it is that soap box insofar as it’s been constructed from my experiences.

Which comes into an interesting rant about identity, and how it affects esteem. Which I really want to write but I don’t have the time to start.

After thinking about communication recently, I sort of have to sarcastically chuckle.

And you ask yourself
Well… how did I get here?

Context used to be a small problem, and now it is the problem. Because there’s not enough awareness to look for it, and it seems that most aren’t comfortable with how uncomfortable asking is. Maybe they simple don’t care? That is all fine, really, usually. Because for the most part people can move at their own pace, and that’s fine. The trouble is when it matters to my heart, which sometimes stomps around a little louder than I do.