D took me to see Icons Among Us at SIFF tonight. Her uncle directed/something/made it/chromatographed, with others. This was simply amazing. There’s a preview on youtube, but I don’t know it really captures it well. The documentary captures that music is about humanity and emotion, and that jazz is larger than using a genre as a label allows to be conveyed. I spent the entirety of the movie on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes from being moved by the interviews. Granted this is likely due to how strongly I feel, but still.
I tried to repay her with a Blood Squad show. It was great to see them again, they’re always a riot. Fun night though. Dating continues to be weird. D asked me if I felt I was ready to date again. I said not really, but I have to keep trying to do what I think is right even if I don’t necessarily feel it.
It’s nice to get out, meet new people, do some new things. I still blame depression for the glass emotional ceiling. Or maybe L. Whatever. Not that it matters to her.
Woke up recently pretty bothered by L + the internet + the reminder that my feelings are met with indifference the other day which spawned a facebook status, to which D replied “… go get drunk and hit a strip club or something…” Fortunately the thread got reined back in with some caring people out there, including some love from Denny in regard to his love of dongs. Una provided a choice Orwell quote:
The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, than one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one’s love upon other human individuals.
Which serves to underline that I fear not becoming jaded because of L, I’m simply disappointed and hurt by her and finding ways to live with that. I commented in the previously mentioned thread that “The cost of not becoming jaded and thinking that I can replace feelings with strippers is that I sometimes have to live with a heavy heart that I can’t reason away by blaming others or myself.”
In discussions with Mom in the past about my heart she’s said that she’d rather live with too many feelings than too few. I like feeling, and being a caring human being. If anything I’d rather have more empathy towards others than less. I regularly spend time thinking about my actions and my feelings. I consider this essential to growth.
With a bit of spite, no, I disagree and say that the ends do not justify the means. My heart has faith in the human spirit, and in turn I have faith in my heart. This has to come first, always. My personal achievements do not compare to the lives that I touch.
D said it’s understandable that L would end a relationship if overwhelmed. I disagreed, but it is all a matter of priorities. I feel like ballast that was ejected in fear. Which makes sense I guess in respect to her history and fears. If you remove the cause of your guilt, you don’t have to feel guilty any more because it isn’t there to remind you.