Nobody is a harsher critic of me, than myself.

I once picked up Time management for System Administrators. “Great!”, I thought, “a time management book from O’Reilly, must be relevant”. Yet, somehow, it was all obvious, but left out a lot of why’s. There were tips about staying off instant messaging clients and delegating tasks that are disruptive to your focus to others. It was all relatively obvious.

I took a job once, and stated up front that I didn’t want any time wasted with “pats on the back”, but was eager for useful criticism. Perhaps in hindsight it wasn’t the right place to ask for this. I got periodically micromanaged half the time, and ignored the other half when my boss was too busy to notice what I was up to.

It seems to me that the problem is with the bar that is set.

My bar is above average, yet I don’t recognize myself as being stellar. Just above average will do, thanks. This bar does not respond to situational influences. I want to do good in my Pre-Calculus class. It needs more time and attention. It doesn’t matter what else I’m dealing with in life. Other departments at work being a hassle? Skin infections taking up residence? These things do matter. Should they? I’m unsure. This definitely feels like an issue to find some compromise with. That is, without saying “fuck it” and taking off altogether.

I can feel the anxiety develop in my chest from all of it. Why? Because of my arbitrary standards of self-excellence.

I probably do think I’m well above average, but value humility and thus won’t admit it to myself. Which would make all of this effort part of maintaining the charade. “Sure, someone else shouldn’t stretch themselves so thin and enjoy life, but they’re not me!”

I realized today that it’s a terrible idea for me to take a CompSci and a Math class next quarter. Maybe some day I won’t be working full time and I’ll make up for that. The ball is still rolling though.

Yet I have a pile of projects in the garage that I wish I was working on, and I’m more apt to pick them up because they have no deadlines, so they’re more enjoyable than the things I’m doing because I have to or I’ll fail to meet an arbitrary goal built around degrees of aptitude that are presented by society as achievement, but are two dimensional.