I woke up feeling pretty good, wrote some more, and felt better about things on my mind. The ride into work was wonderful except turning around to put some air in my tire when I got to the end of the alley, been having some trouble with the tubes on the rear wheel of the IRO the last few days. There was some breakage at work over the weekend, which wasn’t a huge deal but “understand this is very serious”, so it was. I’m game to add some custom nagios scripts in a few, but I feel compelled to sum up myself to myself a little more than I did this morning.

Feeling defeated is probably pretty selfish, it’s likely the product of thinking I’ve done everything I could and still lost, which is bullshit. Losing, or feeling like you’re not getting what you want, however broad that concept may be in your head or your heart is always hard, granted. I ‘spose it needs to be identified as how one feels. I tend to think I should watch a movie or do something physical until it goes away, but I think that conquering the fear of loss from saying or doing something stupid is the transcendental next climb in my life is a mountain full of plateaus analogy.

It’s too easy to forget that the common factor in all of your problems is yourself.

There’s some irony in talking to my Mom about relationships, because her response is summarized as “I’m sorry, it’s really hard”.

I wrote more about this, but I feel I missed the point. That’s usually all my mother says, besides a hug and some comforting. Sometimes in a few more words, but she’s right, and that’s exactly how I expect people to be. Maybe because that’s the way my mother has always been?

In the argument against fashion, one has to acknowledge that anti-fashion is fashion. It’s all a choice. And that’s fine. Somewhere along the way I became really, really okay with choice, but in a passive way. That’s fine.

Owning it. I hate when people blather on about something they know nothing about. I don’t like talking about something I haven’t thought about or researched. I don’t want to seem stupid. This is all a character flaw.

Do I want to take back what I said? No, not really. I meant it. Perhaps the context is lost, or was wrong from the start. Maybe I feel differently now.

I hate shopping for specific things I need at brick and mortar when I don’t know exactly what I need. I used to believe this was because I hated when someone who had less of a clue of what I needed tries to help me with a false sense of accuracy. “No, I’m pretty sure sir, that this nut of this Sturmey-Archer hub is not that metric nut you’re pandering to me.” I worry about people judging me still. Still. Still.

It has gotten better on it’s own accord, I’m asking people who I respect more questions. This happened naturally with my admitting how conceited I am.

Okay, really need to get this work done now please sir.