Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form human contact.

My parents divorced finally officially when I was fifteen. I think I was about twelve when they first separated. It was all some time in the making. I was fairly recently talking to someone about the likelihood of my independence coming from growing up in Maine, and I remarked that as far back as I can remember I have been the same person I am now. That is, while I’ve adapted many times, how I lived was essentially the same. No, I wasn’t into Linux or drinking at age five, but the parts of me that make me do what it is I do haven’t changed a whole lot.

I remember not understanding my parents problems, being perplexed by them. I didn’t think they were foolish or have any childhood fantasies that everyone should simply get along. Rather, I knew they were problems that were bigger than me. I was generally sure that I should have been affected more than I was. I remember laying on the floor in my room, trying to cry, but feeling no emotion come.

I couldn’t tell you when that changed, but it did exponentially.

My antics in movie theaters are usually the easiest for people to catch on to; laughing at the dramatic parts, having to get up and move around during the awkward parts, crying during the touching parts. I often jest about this and play it down, being it is the tip of a volatile iceberg.

Sometimes I wonder if my strong emotions are overflow from being younger. Occasionally I think that most people feel the same way, and it explains anger, violence and whatnot; because we don’t take the time to sort through these feelings. I don’t feel so sure about that though. Sometimes I hope that writing about how I feel will cause more people to open up, and we won’t all feel so distant and alone.

I hate feeling like a burden, but I do, and that causes me to close up.

When I feel like this, I can’t sit still, the feeling is overwhelming. Why am I at work?

I talk to the boss for a while on IM about operations design decisions…

The janitor comes in to take my trash. A couple more songs disappear…

Should I go back on a bike ride? Where to? Back to .83? Should I go home, for the first time in days?

Learning to cope with changes in life patterns is essential in overcoming loneliness.

Thanks wikipedia, you’re my only friend.

My boss just told me to hold on to my hat.

This is going to turn old school rants very quickly.

For some time I’ve believed that remaining stalwart was the best solution, and feelings subside in time. I’m worried that I’m missing an opportunity and doomed to repeatedly coming to the same door, look at it awkwardly, and turn away. Is life a Super Mario Brothers castle? Mother tends to always say that having strong feelings is better than having none at all. She’s right, of course, it’s not an answer of course, because there isn’t one. Life, well, is. Feelings are too. Why do I expect the coffee that was cold an hour ago to not be cold when I drink from it now? I worry about the consequences of how I feel, what to do with them, where to put them, how to share them, how to hold them, how to nurture them.

The problem is of course, that I own my feelings. Which, I suppose I do more than I say.

Everyone says that you’re entitled to your feelings. I feel like this is the conundrum of people saying that it’s not okay to be racist, and thus you shouldn’t be judgmental due to someones race, but they miss that the point is that you should being judgmental, and it has really little to do about race.

Do you feel like a volcano inside getting ready to erupt because of unexpressed feelings and thoughts?

In the past I’ve had relationships, both friends and girlfriends, where I’ve held back how I feel because I’ve experienced pretty negative reactions. Folks have been happy to say that I’m entitled to feel how I do, which is great except that they hold how I feel against me and develop bad feelings towards me because of I feel.

I can’t be afraid of that anymore.

I think less focus on distraction, and more focus on outlets is appropriate. Some honesty, and some work. Then maybe some sleep.