Whoosh, kind of a day spent with my mind elsewhere I believe.

A friend once said that one of the things she liked best about me was that I always thought she was good. I wish I remembered exactly what she said but I was thinking about that on the bike to work this morning. I rarely seem to think that anyone is up to anything nefarious. Which has definitely put me in stressful and trying situations in the past, especially in relationships where I’ve been far too eager to give away more than I could handle. But it seems to be true, and it is interesting. On first thought I’d say that I don’t care that people may be up to no good. Further contemplation seems to lead away from that path though. I do care, lack of goodness and it’s ultimate consumption of oxygen earmarked for good definitely upsets me when I consider it. It’d be nice to say that I’m such a great guy that I’ve chosen to believe in people’s ultimate goodness, but I’m not sure that there’s really a choice being made there. I seem to simply live, and expect others to do the same. When they don’t, eventually I’m shaken enough to react to it in some way.

What draws people to science fiction? I’m in a particularly emotionally vulnerable period I think, I’m unsure why. I was putting words to that when Susan and I broke up [instead of talking about it]. I’m apt to not believe it’s any mid-life crisis sort of thing, I already had that, haha. Back to the question though, it’s such a matter of personality and what people want to see from life. I’m searching for a word for a type of individual that is excited about adventure, doing, living, seeing. As opposed to what? Feeling cool, acting cool, being cool, strength, sexiness, power, money… as we devolve back towards the goals of the many.

I’m exhausted today. I had no plans tonight and only checked with my roommates to see if anything was up. I don’t think I wanted to see anyone tonight. Much energy has been going into trying to organize disparate crowds together once again. Matt Bennett brought up making fun of vegans on Sunday, reminding me of a past life in Maine at the loft, all the people and social drama it entailed.

Bonds with people can be formed through shared experiences, but are bonds and connections the same thing? No. I connected with so few people on the east coast and I’m not sad per se, but disappointed by that being such a small number compared to all of those I spent time with. As I wander about life learning more about myself, it’s difficult to expect anyone else to put the time into getting to know me that I’ve put in myself; although an external viewpoint likely helps those things. There’s certainly not a lack of openness on my part that’s a limitation, although I feel at times it works against itself as it can be intimidating or overwhelming for some. I’ve definitely been feeling the last few days that I need to spend some time not making plans with other people, and let people make plans with me, again.

There’s many reasons to do this periodically, and my mom being in the hospital from stress this week is a reminder just how vulnerable my family and I am to that trap. I don’t want to think of it as a test against other people to see if they really want to spend time with me. That seems somewhat, devious, but back, sitting alone at home in the loft after having my wisdom teeth pulled I have strong memories of just wanting someone to care.

I suppose it’s partly my independance that’s never particularly desired anyone to take care of me, but there’s definitely large portions of my being that want someone around in my life to care. My memories turn to frustration as I remember an ex-girlfriend telling me I should feel lucky because of the friends and family I have that do care. Do I feel insulted? I don’t know, I don’t believe so. Annoyed I suppose. My emotions are, well, what they are. There are times when I try to stifle them because society and my interactions with it don’t fair well with them, but I’ve never been any good at talking myself out of how I feel. Mostly I’ve just learned the ways to distract myself from how I feel, and at times remove myself from my feelings in just the right ways that I can move on from them. But it’s a maze in a house of cards, delicacy must be maintained.