I told mother a few days back that I wasn’t sure how, but life was going to be a lot different when I returned to Seattle. The death of my father, and R’s response are the two points of interest.

Clearly, R’s actions are important. She was here, by my side when appropriate and standing back when appropriate. M never even sent condolences. Z probably doesn’t even know and is probably still unable to deal with the thought of me. And R was here. Others would have come if asked. Most probably don’t know what to do other than ask if I need anything.

Sometimes I kick the wall, not to damage it, but for it to push back at me. I own a house. A big, solid house. What does one do with a house? Live in it? Where to go from here? For a spell I have intended to move back here to have children and raise them as a good father. When did I realize that? When I said it out loud to R? She mentioned that I seemed to have more definite plans then her. Since when? Since I gave up on Z and her inability to communicate with me, let alone to cope?

When my father died in my arms, was I an adult then?

I hadn’t spoken to K in twenty years, but she seemed everything I had hoped. Too much hope? It doesn’t matter really, it might under different circumstances. I need to return to my other life for a while, the one that pays me. There is much uncertainty there. In that futute. My financial situation has changed, my plans, have they? What will R do? J once recommended that I meet Z and let her make a move. I did, and Z later revealed that it made her not want to be with me. I never told Z about this. In retrospect, I missed the lesson that J offered; I can’t be in love with someone who doesn’t love me of their own accord. I simply, have never been as important to Z as I wanted to be.

Moving along…