I told M today that I realized the other day that I grew up recently. This is a statement about priorities more than one about a lack thereof previously. Incidentally, two people have mentioned having feelings of love for me in the last few days that were genuine yet devoid of any romantic interest, also notably sober and not my family. It’s interesting that they were both people I had non-reciprocated feelings for. She commented on my seeming whole, and I told her that those things we had talked about six months ago that I wasn’t doing because I had wanted to do with a partner, I had stopped waiting for.

Both K and M brought up a mutual acquaintance in the last couple of days, one who I know in a multitude of ways and I’m just too tired to really notice anymore. I’m not sure what that says.

The last productive thing I did tonight was repair the retracting spring on the pull starter for the rototiller, as we’ll be using it twice in the next week for AA as well as loaning it out to another urban farming project. I still have blogs to work on, work to do, books to read, but I’m not really sure I can do more than sleep. As the mother says in How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog, “Brush my teeth, I’ve got letters to write.”

I made pretty clear statements to M about friendship, how it is a real word to me, that I have less time than ever for pretending and higher bars for meaningful success. I think I’ve been feeling like I’m trying to solve problems before they’ve occurred again, but I’m likely mostly defensive. I start to feel like I’ve been pulling away from trying to get closer to people, but it isn’t true when I do the math. I can say that I’m moving on. I’m rationalizing the past being that and not trying to hold on to it any longer.