Riding down Alaskan Way at 6:30 this morning I got stopped for directions by a man in a car, then a woman and her young son walking down the street. For a moment I thought, “Stop ruining this beautiful morning with your broken direction finding!” Then, of course, I laughed and got a coffee.

Being asked to flush the toilet after I pee, followed by a story about feeling uncomfortable waking up in a house with roommates gone by their boyfriend still hanging out; I had to stifle a “fucking really?” response. On the ride home this morning I spent some time thinking about this. I was reminded of A asking me to take a shower when I spent the night and ensuing time spent considering how I felt about that. I had a hard time not feeling nostalgic for M asking me to go bike camping in a ditch in Tacoma with her shortly after we met. Scratch that, I felt nostalgic, I had a hard time convincing myself to feel forward. It’s not that I don’t understand and respect where they are coming from, but this is the broad respect I give everyone. This isn’t my lifestyle, and isn’t the life that is important to me. I’m always wavering on balance; how much to compromise, how much to hold firm to.

I generally ranted about this to J at Araya’s last night. Feeling surrounded by people that feel ‘normal’ because they feel all so similar. Couples with small children, dressed nice, talking about whatever is news these days. I feel like they’re caught up in their day. I feel their goals are what goals are supposed to be. Continuous culture shock, with a certain degree of being accustomed too, depending on my level of awareness and perspective at the moment.

My pile of books to read, and those half read, continues to grow. Conversation this winter with M about cabins and my thoughts hence has me pretty convinced, albeit disappointed, that I’m asking too much of a relationship. Plans are bubbling to the surface, as I consider the intersection of opportunities coming to a head this year. There’s a lot of work to do between then and now. As Dad says, the key to taking advantage of opportunities is putting yourself in a situation where you are prepared for them when they come along.

I have a hard time with that. I was talking to M about this, about the internal battle between knowing that I’m dating nice people, and the passion and maturity that I seem unable to find, lead to her saying to me that there are a lot of nice girls out there, but it doesn’t mean I have to date them. Talking to another friend about this, about dating people we like, who aren’t crazy (emotionally intense and asking for a lot), but aren’t in love with. You have to question falling in love with someone when it seems to pair you with someone you have such a hard time getting along with. What a challenge. I said I like challenges though, right? Well, you both have to.

As I listen to people complain about life, and I get irritated by it, I naturally wonder about how much I complain. Life isn’t all that bad. People reading though my medical reports from my accident all comment on how I shouldn’t have recovered physically or mentally, and ask me what god has to do to me to keep me down. And I wonder, if I could ever stop trying so hard.

And I remember a conversation with M about however nice talking about living out of the suburban driving around the country would be, neither of us could do it for very long without getting cabin fever.