I’m lacking confidence lately. Not in my abilities. It’s like not knowing what I want to do. But I’m not depressed, just, not sure. I’ve admitted this to R mostly, but to others I’ve said what mostly amounts to that I’m waiting and seeing.

Tomorrow I return to Seattle, and back to work Thursday. Fortunately I’ve etched out some time already on Thursday to catch up with J.

K an I chatted extensively recently about how unhappy I seemed to be with my pace in Seattle. I keep thinking about the anxiety I get when the time between finishing my meals and getting the check is too long in Seattle. I think about this while looking out the window into the field, at nothing in particular. Usually birds, actually.

My aunt and uncle came down this afternoon to invite me to dinner and asked the usual questions about what my plans were. We talked a bit about the logistics of moving back to Maine and working remotely from here. My uncle asked what kind of volunteering I would do. I don’t know, that doesn’t fit into this life in the same way. Probably for a while I wouldn’t do any, or much. Like K, I’d be afraid of overextending myself and running around at an unhappy pace. I’ve sometimes considered that I’d find another role with the Red Cross locally, or join a fire department.

T and I joked a while ago about how I should move to a small town in WA and become a Sheriff’s deputy. Mostly because I could play the part really well. Maybe I’ve watched too many westerns.

I mentioned to R that my plans are to pick up everything that I dropped in Seattle when I return. As I take mental stock of that, I feel like I dropped some heavy things that may be too late to pick up again. That’s probably okay. It’s probably a reasonable time to cut my losses and anyone who cares can acknowledge the hardship and start over. I mean, if it’s important they’ll bring it up.