I haven’t known what to say since I’ve returned home. An entire life was squeezed into a few weeks between two others. The current one is only a couple of days old and has been spent getting used to the new technology (mac book pro), culture (foosball) and coffee shops (cherry street!) around my new job. I’ve been keeping my schedule open to decide what to place back in it. Cyclocross starts this weekend.

K and I rode with .83 last night and friends wondered with me how long it had been. I recalled that M + J showed up at the start of the last ride and took off, and realized it was the ride three months ago where M was at the prefunk, where I drank heavily, and spent the rest of the ride sitting alone at the bars drinking water, watching the tv, and thinking about where to go from there. That’s when I started the effort to change my social life. I did drink once this past week. It the midst of a social drinking culture I allowed myself to go out for the big burn on Saturday and drink with friends, although I didn’t feel at all like drinking the next day. This is fine. I rarely crave whiskey any longer, I just feel awkward and out of place in these social situations. Anyway, it was a good ride in circles around downtown between Westlake and 9 Million. We left early to ride to Georgetown and lay around. We watched a movie, Star Trek, and I thought about how long it had been out. As I watched for K’s approval of the movie I was reminded of my birthday near opening day of the movie, and my hopes to have had shared that moment with M. I’m glad my birthday was shared with friends and family this year, as I realize the last few were tainted with heartbreak and death.

I had a great conversation with K about not knowing what lies between those I am in love with whom I can’t work out a relationship with, and those who I’ve loved that are special to me that I could have worked out a relationship with but did not feel right about it. Of course, I can’t explain exactly what right is. So it’s good to have had that conversation and agreed that life is about working through these things with other people. This feels starkly different than M. I feel good about it.