There is this file named after M in the home directory of my server. I stumble across it now and then. It’s an email I somehow saved, I’m not sure how or why, because I use google apps for my mail and all that.

Just keep being you, I’m pretty fond of you that way.

It’s fucking strange. It’s so happy, but without looking it’s days before we broke up. As I read it I think that M felt guilt and pressure about being good enough for me. I think about J speculating about her feeling like she didn’t deserve me. I think about M talking about my being remarkable and K speaking of the wonderful things I do. And I go back and read it again and think. I’m so nice in this email. Happy, and nice, and eager about the future and making everything work out. And I think of A asking me where I learned to communicate so well. And I know, from all of this, I couldn’t have done a thing about any of it.