Something terrible should happen soon to balance things out. A couple great weights are off my shoulders, the prophesied July rolled into August, but it’s coming to a close finally. September will be a month of new beginnings in many ways, and in between, I’m going to check out and head to Burning Man for 18 days. I’m disappointed M isn’t back in Seattle, I had hoped to see her in August, but I leave tomorrow. Tomorrow! So much to do.

When I deposited my settlement check, the bank cashier asked me what I planned to do with it. I told him I’ll be paying off all the medical bills, of course. The branch manager came over to verify everything and asked the same question. I felt like George Clooney in a bank heist movie. Day by day I feel like identifying as a tree fort building boy is being picked apart slowly, but I figure the spirit will always stay. As I grow up, I face new problems, heavier ones, moral dilemmas, the acceptance that I can change the world, and that I affect it every day.

Great conversation lately that centered around alcohol has lead into talking about goals, and the realization that we have them…. the strength to admit them and offer them… the vulnerability. I had a dream about M last night. I believe we were in my fathers bedroom in Maine and I was trying to ask her about how she felt. She was shifty, avoiding the difficult of answering by physically hiding. I recall finding her in the closet near the rifles and my mind briefly shifted to recent conversations with my therapist about suicide in the family. I realize now that I need to talk about this more.

Well, the fluids in the truck aren’t going to change themselves.