My body definitely prefers sleep schedules. I spent Thursday volunteering for the Red Cross, then literally worked all night, slept two hours, and volunteered again until about 8pm last night. Let’s say ten hours later, and I’m up again to go back to the chapter for a regional drill with expectations to be there most of the weekend. I kept thinking about how easy it is though, compared to a lot of the work I’ve done. It has strange reminders to my past.

Thursday I drove by an apartment building that had burnt down that we had opened a shelter for and the smell immediately brought back a strange memory of our house fire when I was a child. I mentioned it to T, and she reminded me that I had said something similar once when we were on a camping trip.

In my half-awake daze, I feel like I’ve talked and thought about so much since I last wrote and as I haven’t since Tuesday it is quite true with all the waking hours in between. A conversation with T about M lead me to writing “I once dated this girl M, who…” on my whiteboard to appropriately reassociate, or recategorize, my thoughts into the past and stop trying to hold on to the thread of connectedness we have remaining. This feels heartless, when distilled like this. Like there’s much more to be said. Maybe that’s the point I’m missing though. Maybe it’s that I’m not accepting what is real? *sigh* I think of M calling to prove our relationship is important, but fell perhaps she was convincing herself more than me. I can’t make other sense out of the distance. I count the number of times I’ve seen her in the last year, and yet while I still excuse the majority of them because of other priorities I can’t see the pattern changing. I suppose, ultimately, there’s nothing to say here. Like others, I once dated this girl, M, who disappeared.

A series of events related to K lead me to reading about bioethics where debate seems to include ‘critical interests’ versus ‘experiential interests.’ I can’t.. I can’t parse all of this right now. There’s too much. This reading hit very close to home with my father, and simultaneously it touched the introspective thoughts of late. So very very much is connected right now.

I’m totally out of time and in a rush. Notes left on the table of my mind. Disruptive dreams.