I got a lot of flack yesterday when I mentioned the significance of the day. Mostly it amounted to, “today is not going to be important to her, so it should not be so important you.” Which is the common “She doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her.” argument. Those points are relatively moot however. Yesterday only could have been significant to us if there was such a thing.
remember, i made this decision for me, not for you or us.
No, yesterday wasn’t about us. Ultimately everything since those words has been about how I feel, nothing else had legs to stand on after that. Granted, how I felt had a level of intensity that worried or repelled a lot of people, but it was a valuable course to run. I don’t recall that I’ve believed differently. While I’ve had periods of false hope to deconstruct, I long before took personal responsibility for my feelings and communicating them as clearly as possible with the people that I’m close to. The hard part was losing the most reasonable outlet for those feelings.
Not my usual route into work this morning, a bit longer and more peaceful; coming from White Center and going along the wooded Duwamish River Trail. Also was on the 29er and not the fixed, so a bit slower. I’ve been thinking a little about times when I have to sit someone down in a relationship and ask them something; prod them. I don’t mind it, but when it gets common it makes me sad when I’m always the “lets talk about that” person. Are folks so used to what follows being so dramatic or argumentative that they dare not go down that road by default? Are they not as experienced in communicating or just not so optimistic? I was comparing a lot of levels of that, from “what is our relationship anyway” conversations to partners being communicative about how they feel, what they want. I’ve hit a lot of different fears in dating, being afraid to communicate ones feelings is all too common. Uncomfortable, maybe? Afraid seems to encompass that.
No, when I read those words, I can barely remember the person I was a year ago. Which is the point of yesterday’s reflection.