Every once in a while I realize nobody on this planet can always tell the A’s and the M’s and the whatevers apart. I sort of feel bad for a moment, then I remember it is sort of the point. Vaguery successfully filters.

ARC was fun this weekend. I got to play one of the Shelter Managers in the Shelter Simulation. One person on my team asked how long I had been doing sheltering for, since I knew a lot about it, and I told him I hadn’t before but that I’d done a lot of training. In most classes, when we introduce ourselves we talk briefly about why we’re taking that specific class. I’ve gone through a couple iterations of answers looking for a good short one. In long, I’m preparing to fill a role in the next major national disaster and part of that is cross-training to make myself as useful as possible Since I’m on a Disaster Action Team at the local shelter, it applies here too. Having an understanding of multiple positions allows me to better anticipate the needs of other teams, and makes me available to fill any possible holes that may pop up in short order. After I wrap up a couple online bits I have left, I will have finished training for Client Casework, Disaster Assessment and Mass Care Sheltering. In about another month I should have Material Support Services and Mass Care Feeding finished up as well. I’ll stop there for the general tracks, but continue to pick up whatever I little bits I can here and there. The RC LMS has addition online courses beyond my requirements, and I’ve stumbled on to some FEMA courses as well.

Speaking of volunteering, my little HfH habit is picking up more interested people to come along. That’s exciting.

A was very supportive today. Multiple times she picked up on my mood and approached me about what I was thinking about and how I felt. At one point she confronted me about my definition of commitment seeming to be an agreement to work through problems together, and how that seemed awfully low. I told her it wasn’t really my definition of commitment, and that it was an emotional response of frustration from communication barriers with M. She then commented, partly based on a conversation earlier about the old “you don’t include me in decisions about where we’re going in Texas” fight, that I do seem to make a lot of snap judgements and act on them, not giving others enough time to respond. I had commented earlier on how I can’t believe how much has happened in the last week, and agreed that she was right. I’m thinking I may need to spend more time writing here and hashing out my thoughts, or maybe go back to writing unsent emails again. I’ve very appreciative of her thoughtfulness and genuine concern right now.

I’m also thinking a lot about distraction lately, having had been thinking about M’s pattern of keeping busy and searching for empathy in my own patterns. I know sometimes I actively search out some hobby work to distract me from anxiety or emotional distress. How much of keeping busy could be self-conscious perma-distraction? When I say “that’s just the kind of person I am,” should my bullshit flag be going off? Not sure.

While there’s a lot of real conversation about friends to be had, as opposed to my really heavy sarcasm lately (is that a sign that I’m more, or less stressed?), A brought up usually not having friends under thirty because they’re typically not emotionally mature. Stable? I’ve had part of this conversation with J, about the awesome ability of the older girls I have dated to communicate their feelings clearly without being defensive or accusatory, and the pretty reliable pattern of the younger girls I have dated to not be able to. How does my attraction to a base level of passion for life play into that situation? Then there was that conversation with J about M’s pattern of blaming others, and her asking her age and commenting about thinking that most people under twenty-five haven’t gotten over their own self-importance yet. Is that an integral part for supporting a partner in a healthy manner?

Anyhow, big day tomorrow, meeting some folks about urban farming is going to break up my day, and work is all big-time still. I have a feeling we’re not going to ever get back to the simple days of startup-land where we just made awesome product.