I think he says he doesn’t like you(r beard) because he likes you and misses you
he asked again why you weren’t staying the night

Kids are hard. I’ve thought about kids a lot the last year or two. Not in “thought about having them soon”, although that being an eventuality [or not] has been slipping into relationship conversations as I get older. I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing what I can in that situation to be protective of that kid, but I worry. It’s hard enough having relationships with people and discussion how you feel. It’s harder with a kid who, by nature of their age, just hasn’t development the social and emotional skills to know what’s going on. At all. I have an image in my mind of riding back from Blue Hill, unsure why, with my mother in the Subaru and asking her why she and dad were separating. My memory is of a sigh and an its-complicated type of response. And I can’t blame her, because it is, and how do you explain that to a kid?

Sometimes I wonder that about relationships with other people. Have they spent significant time thinking about the things you have? Do you just trust that they have? Lately I’ve been relative explicit with the possibility that they haven’t, and I’m trusting that they will be able to handle that and receive it with maturity and compassion.

A: I wonder if [your emotions] sometimes feels like a curse or a burden or a flaw, esp in this world, but I think that your emotions are beautiful… though I personally haven’t been privvy to what I consider a great deal of them

My response was interesting on an introspective level. Certainly nine months ago they felt like a curse, and using the word burden holds some irony. Many conversations were had with my mother over the summer about the consequences of not feeling the way I do, and what a terrible cost that would be. A lot of effort went into discerning that, and I came out at terms with them, having better tools for recognizing what I can and can not change. Once again, another conversation deviates into the realm of “it seems like you could find someone else who respected, loved, admired, and fit with you more.” I get defensive of my feelings at the time, but I suppose I have to stop and consider that sometimes, to be fair to those who have expressed similarly. I want to reply with, “well, here I am” but I’ve had a couple great relationships over the last year or two that I’ve ended despite dating good people who cared for me a great deal, making time to include me in their life and convey their feelings for me through their actions. So it isn’t fair for me to claim that hasn’t happened, and I have to admit that I chose to end those relationships fully consciously because they weren’t what I felt I wanted. And that’s through no fault of their own, which is one of those lessons I’ve gotten better at holding on to from this summer.