M asked, since I could work from anywhere, why I don’t execute more of my schemes. Because, honestly, those are plans I want to share with a partner. I’ve been thinking the last month or two about how I’m waiting for something, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. That’s it really. I guess I knew that. I went back, thinking I surely wrote about waiting and couldn’t find what I was thinking of, but found this post, which is chock full of some really smart shit.

I couldn’t say I’m thinking more, I guess I’m aware of my thinking more lately. I’ve been thinking about my nervousness with balancing my distance from M. I had a nice bike ride tonight, carrying a pile of trees on the xtracycle and Ken’s Burley trailer to the .83 Christmas Tree bonfire. I always like stuff like that. I spent some time staring out at the sea, feeling it, feeling like it was right there and we weren’t paying any attention to it. Being on call for ARC isn’t really an excuse for not drinking lately, I just don’t feel like getting drunk and I’m at terms with that. I’m still compelled to keep drinking when I start, like some kind of autopilot, but I’m aware of that at least. I watched the crowd, I stood back and talked to M. About everything that mattered. I stared at the sea some more. I wandered over to the Sloop for the calendar party, and felt crowded with all the people. I often feel this on bike rides when I’m not drunk, I’m uncomfortable when we’re not riding. I just want to go. It turns out the photo of Chase and I that I was excited about was not in the calendar, which was disappointing. I knew I was setting myself up when I pushed though, so my reaction wasn’t all that much of a surprise. Still, I eventually left and spent some of the ride home discerning those feelings. The rain at night was beautiful, the glow of the streetlights down long still alleyways.

I made dinner, did some dishes, picked up. I’m sore now, and tired. As I haven’t slept right in a few days, hopefully that will work. Other stuff. Chef. Work. I’ve been writing more essays, people seem to enjoy them. I’m finding a new voice for my experience in all of that. Should eat, and see if I can ride sleep all the way through the night.