Late nights lately. Since I haven’t been drinking, they’ve been? Late. Funny. Good.

Told A I didn’t know if I have had it in me to really commit this year. I don’t know. Mostly I feel at the call of feelings out of my control. I told A I felt like my life was on hold when I spent time her with. I enjoyed the time, but it wasn’t what I wanted. We kept falling back to the practicality of that, and I always felt like doing so was missing the point.

Which reminds me of how M felt. Which makes me feel a gross acceptance that feelings often lose out to reality. And that’s just how it is.

Nice ride back to Georgetown from the Shark at 3am. Thought about how I feel, my desire for companionship. November has been the crystallization of spending the last six months struggling to find that. So hard, so much energy. With exception, I’ve felt like I’ve been outpouring energy and only feeling insecure as a result. Like when people bless you when you sneeze, sometimes I may need blessing when I care.

I dreamed of M last night. It was happy and satisfying. I awoke and wasn’t all that disappointed it was only a dream.

I’ve made everything else more important than relationships as part of my recent goals. It is working, but I shed a tear, so to speak, feeling that is unfortunate.