Currently listening to: The air cleaner at Mom’s house

At some point I had disabled new user registration and had forgotten about it. Someone asked me about this recently and I’ve re-enabled it. Those of you new to my journal are encouraged to create accounts and comment when something strikes you and you desire to add to the discussion. You may notice I try to avoid talking about anyone in specific here, if you can’t manage that game you’re welcome to email me directly with your thoughts.

I woke up early enough yesterday to make the MFG CX race, desipte having been up until two or three reading, writing and talking about life, the universe, and everything. I’m glad I got up and went, although I was dissappointed by having to stop a lap short of finishing due to being lapped at the very end, despite not feeling like I was all that far back. I know the leader was quite a bit ahead of the 2nd place racer. I wouldn’t call it sandbagging per se, but the ‘beginner’ category is definitely too broad.

I still felt sad about Friday, and not feeling social enough for the Messquerade, or the halloween party at the Awful Shark, I left town and came down here to Eatonville. I brough the CX bike and did some downhill at Pack Forest, which I’ve meant to do all summer but didn’t get to. I got close one weekend with a friend but he bailed the night before. Which is a funny memory of running into her on a DBB ride. Shit always seems to come in piles for me.

I’ve continued thinking about my emotional trajectory, spurred by events as of late. The implication that there wasn’t any point in talking because I was emotional is… offensive? insulting?… lame, and a self-serving charade for not wanting to feel. Later when I saw her she made a comment about how I seemed better, in relation to being emotional. I was better in regard to being less sad, but I had moved on from considering her a meaningful person in my life, worthy of sharing my feelings with. Which is interesting, because I feel like she somehow expected to be able to get one without the other. I’ve written about this twice (1, 2) since and it feels right.

There’s an email in my inbox since yesterday that I haven’t opened. I’m too letdown to deal with it right now.