I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

Rode across town last night to see friends, make dinner, comfort each other about heart transgressions. I saw this quote on a sign along the way: “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on” — Robert Frost. As I’ve spent much time lately trying to describe to who I am and how I want to live; first to myself, and then to those close to me. We speak of bike club: assholery, leadership, relationships, friendship…

I can’t help the way that I feel, but I can change my life and over time leave behind those who cannot be a part of it by their own accord.

I feel I spoke my truth about thinking you were afraid, and that I didn’t want for you to push me away because of it. It seems to me that you are bolstering your lifestyle-as-identity partly out of fear of losing yourself in a relationship with me, or with anyone, that resembles a normal, or unintentional, unoriginal, should-ed life. If that is the case, then I wholly understand the fear.

As Shatner says, “What are you afraid of? Failure?”. I’ve officially had enough dating. I’m exhausted from the continual outpouring of energy to be let down so quickly. Some new relationships have developed, and those will go on, but I’m definitely heads-down. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship right now, I just can’t find something that feels right. Feeling-sidebar: The old line used to be someone who shares hobbies or someone who shares personality, but now my own feelings have shown themselves to be the capstone. I’ve dated a handful of awesome people, some among the best people I know, who I’ve had less feelings for than much more self-centered girls. This is likely totally unfair and unreasonable, but somehow a part of reality.

The simple answer continues to be that I’m afraid of ending up where my father is. Somewhere I have a comment or an email from mother saying it’s not going to happen, but you know, it’s the easiest answer to put my finger on. Very few of you know my father. The relevant portion is that between his health issues (drinking + smoking) and his depression (life didn’t turn out how he thought it would) he spends most of his time alone, watching sports on TV, in a small town in Maine.

If I keep pushing, forever, failure will be always be behind me. Right? Lifestyle-as-identity… Much time has been spent contemplating and I clearly don’t get my identity from my social groups. Everyone has to get it somewhere, what’s wrong with getting my identity from how I choose to live rather than who I belong to? I find it much more appealing to defend my lifestyle than geeks, bikes (messengers…), as a whole. Unlike some, I can usually separate myself from these groups and move along, sans the “fear of missing out”.

I am someone who thinks, feels, builds, and lives.

That’s who I am.