Sometimes I believe I live in the present better than most. However, I’m vulnerable to the past.

My step-father telling me in high school that I’d start getting along, be normal, dating, soon enough; always sticks in my memory. Particularly my memory of whole-heartedly appreciating the effort but knowing he doesn’t know me.

Turns out, there are many moments like that in my life. Being told she imagined we should date other people then get back together. Smiles, nods, makes me feel so alone. Not because I am alone, contexually (and hey, fuck that old old history. you know the one), but because it is more smiles and nods on a long journey of having to let others be happy believing whatever they want. As the cliche goes, whatever lets them sleep at night.

I’ve never been good at sleeping at night.

Looking at a starheadboy checklist over my desk yesterday, I focus in on “I put my energy into what is meaningfull”.

Not a bad idea.