Too tired to do much productive tonight. Thought about finding folks to be social with, but we have overnight company at the house so I figure I’ll just stick around here, watch a movie, and fall asleep.

I’ve been overthinking a couple things this week. Was nice to finally draw a line in the sand and say where I had gotten too. Who knows if they’ll be taken positively, but ‘dem the breaks. Those that don’t react reasonable overshadow those that do in my life. Maybe I’m just feeling negative because of the traffic officer yelling at me to do something stupid on the ride home tonight.

Amidst the whole beardo adventure a friend commented that anyone who’d actually met me would know how nice I am. I think she didn’t realize I thought it was funny and wasn’t bothered by it at the time. I can’t get to the logs easily right now, I’m too tired. It doesn’t really matter, chronologically. Regardless if she said it in that way or not, it’s true.

I think back to this really stupid argument about being selffull. In my world, putting yourself first is almost always a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with something difficult. Whatever, it’s water under the bridge, and that short yet emotional part of my life is behind me.

There’s something to take from all of this weeks conversation. When someone I have a relationship with is mean and is uninterested in taking responsiblity for the consequences of their actions, I need to walk away. This is really difficult for me, because my heart is open and vulnerable at that time. I care, and I want to be there for them. It has however, rarely, if ever, worked out without my getting really hurt.

In any case, I don’t hold any of this against anyone, or myself. I’m no good at that. It’s all bygones.

I talked to her on IM last night, just to see how she was doing. It’s been quite a while. Year, two? Who knows. Doesn’t sound like she’s changed. It’s important though, another reminder of everything that’s been put behind me, how much I’ve changed since then. She once told me she was afraid I’d date someone who thought I was awesome and that I wouldn’t grow because I’d take that as satisfactory affirmation of who I am being good enough. I laugh at that conversation in retrospect, so self-centered and immature. More selffull patterns. She brought up it being good that I’m not in Ellsworth. I think she still wants to take credit for all my accomplishments.

The friends I have continue to be awesome, supportive, and admirable.

There’s still lingering hurt here and there. To be expected, I’ll still dissappointed in her. So it is best it is over and behind me. It’s hard to come to a point where I can say that.