I woke up from a bit of a nap, considered trying to stay asleep but failed. Per usual, I immediately checked my email to see if L had written me. God I miss her so much.

J was telling me about an uncle whose wife left after having four kids together, and how he never changed the house because he still believed she would come back. Dad told me today that he was impressed by my social skills out here, and that maybe I’d find someone better. I’m tempted to be cynical in both circumstances.

Sadness has me gripped pretty well right now. I don’t really want to go out and drink as a distraction. Mostly I want to sleep, but that’s not going to happen because of the heartache. I’m trying to not drink still, my mind is scattered and I have trouble maintaining focus for even a few minutes on anything mental.

I was talking to J about feeling like everything you do and say is ruining your chances of being happy with your person. I feel like everything I do drives L further away from me, which matters because my heart isn’t letting go any time soon. You tear yourself feeling like you don’t know what’s going to happen, but even if you’re really told, I guess the hurt fights back.

I guess another person asked if they should be worried about me. I’m still not sure what that means. I know it’s an expression of concern, but it always sounds less like, “I’m going to give Bryan a hug and see if he wants to talk because he’s probably feeling pretty emotionally hurt and alone right now” and more like “Do we need to have an intervention and have him hospitalized to keep him from hurting himself?” Which, you know, I have the benefit of being an asshole and being okay with it, but with the sarcasm removed that’s sort of what I’m saying.

G asked me who L was and I sort of waved it off. I regretted it afterwards, because it didn’t seem right to end a conversation where someone was actually asking about me, but I decided it was, in the end, not a “how are you?” question, but more of a unsubstantial question about who I was dating. I don’t blame her, but it’s not really the conversation I want to have. I mean, does it matter who L is? *indulge* *indulge* *whine*. L is a great person who I care about deeply who decided that being a part of my life was too much guilt and burden to bear in consideration of the rest of her life. And that’s fine, whatever, you can’t do anything about that.

Which isn’t to say that I didn’t try. Sometimes emotionally charged. Like J and I discussed sometimes you try to stand back and give space. I feel like I failed at communicating both my feelings and my expectations completely because of how it turned out. I have to remind myself it was her choice and that I couldn’t have done anything about it.

Struggling with wanting to go out, but reluctant to go drinking, and when I think of going out to eat I realize I’m not going to be any more distracted that way. It’s like, grin and bear it, but it’s a hollow pain, not a sharp one.
G: who’s leah?